I have heard it said that when it rains, it pours. And I agree. There are times when the world is falling down around us. There are times when it seems like there’s no way out from the storms and there are certainly moments when nothing goes well. Each time you brace yourself to accept what’s taken place, it seems like something else happens.
And once more, there we are . . . wondering the question.
What now?
It is a strange thing to think about, or in the wake of the last few years and after the blurry months which took place during the pandemic, I think about the world as it was. I think about the work that I do, for something which I call my “day job” and how the office buildings in New York City were vacant. I saw them this way, empty, and everything was left exactly as it was when the so-called shutdown came.
They cancelled the St Patrick’s Day Parade.
I remember that.
Everything was eerie.
The City was a ghost town and the usual streets were empty. There was no one around and the avenues that were always busy with speeding taxis and the common tourists, or the usual pedestrians who walked up and down Lexington were all gone.
I never thought that I would see my City this way—empty, and all the stores were mainly closed.
The television would stream the news of tragic numbers and report about those who died from Covid and, of course, there was the political battles of back-and-forth nonsense—and there was the left wing and the right wing, and neither of the two would meet in the middle.
Wear a mask
Don’t wear a mask
Get vaccinated.
Or don’t.
I wished I handled things differently then. I wish I realized the value of time or the value of personal interaction. I wished I followed my heart instead of allowing time and space to separate me from people I loved. I say loved as in the past tense because yes, this was the past and to ensure a better sentiment for myself, I’ve had to let this go (so I can improve).
I wish I realized that I should have followed my truth and my heart, but in the threats of all that was around me, and in the mental abyss of the unknown future and despite my drive to go and be and do something different — I followed the usual path. While I knew there was something different out there for me, I starved myself of the options that perhaps I should have changed my life or changed my destination.
I could have made a decision to do more of what made me happy then; but instead, I allowed myself to follow the unrewarding line of a life that was less-than desirable.
I was unhappy. I was dealing with different feelings of loneliness.
I realize now, however, that I was lost to an internal war or to the internal terrorist, which divided and conquered me. To be more precise and honest and to add a better perspective and transparency, I was not true to myself.
I did not agree with what I was being told or taught.
I did not want to isolate myself or hibernate, or hide away.
I knew the world was undergoing a wave of deaths and tragedies. I knew there were loved ones who were unable to say goodbye to their families because they died in the worst way possible.
I knew about the stories from those who told about their husbands or their wives and how they died alone and unable to breathe. I heard from nurses in the emergency rooms who spoke about their patients falling to cardiac arrest and how the nurses had to play God and decide who to help first.
Save this one?
Or that one?
I was remembering some of the people in my life who lost family members. It’s tough enough to lose one person, but there are people who lost more—and how does someone process this?
How do you accept the tragic loss of a loved one, and then lose someone else, and then another loved one, a few weeks later?
In this respect, I agree . . .
When it rained, it poured.
I had no idea what to expect.
Would I get it? Covid, I mean . . .
I had no idea when, or if, the City would ever regain a sense of normalcy. And I’m not sure that the City will ever be normal again.
I don’t know much, other than there was a time before Covid and then there was a time after Covid, which is still around. However, the threats and the guidelines and the mask-mandates are severely loosened by now.
I remember missing people in my everyday life. I remember the people who I saw on a daily basis and how I had to try and survive my own mistakes as well as my own downfalls of not following my truth or being the person I wanted to be.
There are times when I wished that I went left instead of right.
Yes. this is true.
But whatever could’ve happened, did happen.
And that’s how fate works.
I gave in to fear.
I was afraid to do anything because, “Now what?”
What if I took a real chance and made a true jump to live the life I really wanted?
I thought about this and worried; and in the meanwhile, what if I took a shot at my dreams, which were to be different and to create a different life for myself?
“What if?”
What if I tried, as in, move towards my dreams and do the things which paid my heart instead of worrying about the things that paid my bills?
I know that my life would have been different. Then again, everything would have always been different had I chose to make a change. I know that hindsight is 20/20 and that our vision of life at the moment can be obscured or blurred by the natures of our emotional content—and yes, I know that I was intimidated by the question, “What now?”
However, now that I am in the post-Covid years and now that I realize what happened and while coming to a realization and looking back to understand the wreckage of my past — I am aware now, and perhaps I am more aware than ever before, but at a cost of fate and perhaps, if this is the case that fate is only here to teach me a lesson—then let me learn from the mistakes of my past so that I can be clear and never make them again.
Going forward, I fully disclose that I was not true to myself, or to my wants or needs. No, I was swept away by a constant routine. I was living a somewhat production-line kind of life; whereas, I found myself stuck in a pattern and walking along the same pathways, or more so, I walked the way I did out of habit instead of walking in the direction I’d have preferred or being the man I had always wanted to be.
I can see when, where, and how fear takes place. I can see how fear tricks us into allowing for a personal settlement, and we accept life “as it is” instead of taking a breath and making a choice to be brave and step forward.
I declare this now in writing.
I will never submit to life like this again.
I lived through the pandemic and the different seasons of fear. I saw what fear does to the world. But more, I saw what living in fear does to me.
And now . . .
I commit myself to never folding like this again.
No, I’d rather play my hand and lose than do nothing and let fate escape my grip, so that I can change my life, and be who I deserve.
I am different because of this. I lost the chances I had to open up my life towards a new version of hopefulness. But I am not hopeless.
I have learned from this experience. I have come to the realization that truth and the life we want is always worth the risk.
I don’t know the answers to the “What now?” question. However, I do know that a stagnant life is not living and living in fear is no different from being lifeless or trapped.
I want love. I want my dream.
I want to open the places I’ve always dreamed of opening, and to be helpful to those who live with constant anxiety or depression. Somehow, I want to build a place which has sort of been forgotten about. I want to get back to my purpose and that which gives me drives or puts winds in my sails.
Will this happen?
I don’t know?
Will the windows of opportunity ever open themselves up again?
Maybe. . .
Or maybe not.
But regardless of whether they do (or not), I realize that I never want to give in to the fears that come with the “What now” worries because, and for no other reason — I never want to be a coward again. More to the point, I never want to be a lifeless (or loveless) person ever again.
The Written Addiction 