I see this as a quick and important note for those who live in their divorced life or for those who find themselves in their divorced mindsets and for those who have a need to be heard or have the need to be right. Before I say anything else, I want to say that I understand this from a personal perspective. While my opinion is subjective to me, I understand that there are certain relatable concepts when it comes to parenting and co-parenting in an otherwise tough or hostile environment.
I have seen what happens when being right is more important than being happy. I have seen what happens when pride and ego comes first. And no, nothing good comes from this.
Or, okay—
Let’s say we prove ourselves to be right and that we make our stand. Let’s say we make our point, and there are times when yes, I will say that this is worth it; however, there are times when moments pass or times take place and meanwhile, we missed an opportunity to laugh or to play—all because of a concern to be right.
I admit to this.
I have lost time and years and sacrificed memories, just to prove my point. I can say this as a father, or better yet, I can say this as a divorced father who came from an uncomfortable split. I paid more attention to the feuds in my head than I did to the moments of my daughter’s youth.
I have seen what happens when parents sacrifice time, just to be right or to be heard, or respected. I understand the need to be acknowledged. I understand the need to be listened to and to be validated, as if to say “no one is taking my position away,” or as if to declare our rights as a parent—but there are times when priorities give way to pride and ego.
The feuds become more important than a trip to go get ice cream or a ride to a favorite burger place where a kid should have their burger any way they like it.
There are moments that can be spoiled by resentments and moments, like, say, take dance recitals or graduations, or moments that are like special rites of passage, which only come once—and due to the nature of needing to be right or due to an argument-based relationship where two people both need to be right and heard that this leads to an obvious distance. And as a due to the priority of being heard and validated, I have watched other parents as they fail themselves to this very same thing.
I have undergone fights, just like this, and I have experienced a self-induced parental alienation, all due to the lessons which we had to taught on my terms, or due to needs to be heard or noted, I spent more time dictating rules and regulations than being a dad.
I say this because this happened, but to what avail?
Kids will be kids. And exes will be exes.
There’s a reason why divorce happens and there’s a reason why people stay together and why they can’t.
I can say that I made my point. I can say that at the time, I chose the line which I drew in the sand and I swore that I would not retreat any further, or that I would not allow for any unfair treatment that did not acknowledge me as a father. I swore that I would not submit or succumb to a rule or a narrative that did not respect or regard me the way I deserved to be regarded.
And again, to what avail?
I can look back and think of how many times I lost moments because pride or ego got in the way. I was more interested in being right.
I was more interested in defying what was told to me, or rather than co-parent and learn to communicate, I decided that I was going to make it known that I am “Dad” (so hear me roar) and that no matter what, my voice deserves to be heard.
This is true and yes, of course, I deserve to be heard.
Yes, I had good ideas and good plans. I had the right ideas, however in many cases, I lost my goals and plans to a poor execution that was driven by the need to be right.
But, what now?
Okay . . .
So, I was heard.
What did that do?
I was acknowledged and validated.
Meanwhile, there was an age-appropriate child who was thinking about how she wanted to play or have fun, but me?
I was too busy looking to be validated or feeling the need to have a voice. So, I made sure that I was heard, loud and clear; however, I worried too deeply about being right and unfortunately, I forgot the most important thing which is supposed to take place between a child and their dad.
I forgot to have fun.
I say this openly and with clear transparency. I claim my side of this because, to me, blaming and finding fault in others does nothing more than create a bigger void. Hence, this leads to more distance and chaos between two people who are supposed to co-parent.
I also say this as person who survived divorce and as someone who paid attention to the wrong ideas and missed out on great opportunities – it pays to listen to this quick thought.
Trust me.
I say this as a father who watches and sees other parents who experience divorce, and as a caring spectator, I watch both moms and dads do the same things, which essentially alienates them from their children, or worse, this promotes an idea, or a thought, and a feeling in a child that they are a constant problem or a disappointment.
Kids can believe that they are a letdown to their parents because all they hear are the lessons and the corrections and the reprimands, when essentially, all any child wants to hear is “I love you,” or “I’m so proud of you,” or “Where would you like to go,” and “What would you like to do today?”
I remember when my daughter was young enough to still be held in my arms. I remember when she was young enough to ask a question like, “Daddy, will you play wiff me?”
I say “wiff” intentionally, the same as I recall when she was young and the supermarket was pronounced sukermarket [soo-ker-market] and meatballs was pronounced “neatballs.”
These times are limited. And again, hindsight is 20/20 and as I have grown as a man, I realize that sometimes, being right or being validated is not as important as being happy. Making my point is not as long-term as the memory of being included in a tea party when make believe is still high on a child’s list of priorities.
Therefore, since youth only comes once, I offer the idea to the universe and I’ll leave it out there, for later, in case this might be needed.
This is a time to enjoy and not to be so authoritative. . .
Loosen your shoes, pal.
Kids or only kids once.
Remember that . . .
Trust me when I tell you, I wish there was someone who talked to me about this the same as I’m here to talk to you.
Then again, I was so busy looking to be right.
Therefore, I’m not sure if I would have listened.
Will you?
The Written Addiction 