When there’s nothing left or nowhere else to go, or when the ride stops and finally, the eyes open to a realization that forces you to understand that yes, this has been in the works for a long time now. Yes, all signs pointed you to this very same place, and while you might not like this, and you never wanted things to go this way, either way, the truth is still the truth. Where we are is where we are. Like it or not.
Of course, it’s easy to point fingers. It’s easy to assign the blame to someone else. It’s easy to fight and argue; but again, the truth is still the truth, and no amount of pretending or blaming someone else can avoid this fact.
When there’s no room left for excuses and when there’s no place left to fall and life takes on the aspect of some hard collision, which is head-on, or face first, as if to hit the wall, and when you find yourself among the damages between your choices and the truth, then we can understand that this is where recovery begins.
I think too deeply and often too long about the concepts of life which are far beyond my control. Yet, there is a piece of me—a dreamer of sorts, a hopeful one with a hopeful heart, and there is a part of me daring the lines and still hoping that good things can and will come.
However, there is the other side of this, which is me as well, the cynic, the pessimist, or the doubtful one. I say this because there is another half of me, or the one who assumes the worst, who prepares for the nuclear aftermath of some emotional explosion. To be clear, this is me too, waiting for the world to fall apart.
I have my own yin and yang. I have my own doubts. I have questions about my own questions and doubts about the answers that I have been given.
I am a man. I am a child. I am both masculine and feminine and I am scared, brave, a coward, a hero, a hypocrite and, at least at some point, I am true and honest, and afraid of my lies.
I am the sum of my past and a compilation of my memories which, in fairness, the two have historically swayed me in different directions, to which I have fallen and regained my composure. I have learned the unfortunate fact that one cannot save their face and their ass at the same time.
So, when looking to save yourself, choose carefully.
I am the rejected and the refused. I am the undesired and the uninvited. I have been included and engaged and I have come and gone and lived and learned.
I am human and, therefore, hear me roar.
I am not made for everyone nor is everyone made for me. And I understand this.
However, I know there is this thing we call destiny. I know there is fate, and I know the two are not always kind. But in the overflow of life and the floods of burden, let me put myself out there and look to redirect myself, at least for now, until I find my destiny and be where my fate leads me to be.
It has taken time for me to come to the powerful realization that people can truthfully show you who they are, even through dishonesty.
Believe them.
Believe them the first time.
When asked to leave, then go.
When told that you are not the one, believe it.
When pushed away, choose the path of least resistance.
Understand that this is not a death sentence and that somewhere out there is a better and brighter world with more promises and stronger possibilities.
Understand that life does not end because of someone’s word. However, it is fair to say that yes, words can be deadly. Words can kill the life of a soul and leave a person soulless or lifeless, which is equivalent to my biggest fear. This is my biggest fear – to live a lifeless life, still, as if to have no passion, no regard, no dreams, and no warmth from the chest or softness for the hand. Alone as ever and destroyed, like ashes on the ground.
Understand that not everything intended is going to happen. Understand that change is part of life, and just know that even the tragic changes that come out of nowhere, or the life-altering changes — none of this means death, per se.
But, in the end, and in the face of new life and old fears, all this means is we are going endure the moments of correction until at last, all is corrected.
We will surpass the limitations of our soulless past and we are going to supersede our old unfortunate selves, and to begin, or to be reborn or to find love and enjoy life or to be “in love,” at least we’ve seen the change, and at least now we can understand the different shades that contrast between the truth and lies.
Not every lie is ill-willed or evil with intention; however, this does not make lies easier to accept.
Not at all.
At best, this might allow a lie to be understandable, maybe, but this is from an intellectual level. Emotionally, it hurts to be lied to or to be the fool. It hurts to find out that your heart was disregarded or misused, as in molested in some way and used for someone else’s selfish regard.
Nietzsche said that which does not kill me only serves to make me stronger.
There are times when we think of what happened or we’ll talk about what took place. And someone around us will comment on how strong we are.
But I don’t know if I’m strong or brave.
I only know that even if I am (or was) weak, life was still going to happen and that which did not kill me, perhaps, this served to make me stronger.
But in fairness to the quote, there are times when I think about this and think to myself, “I’d rather be weaker and less hurt.”
I saw a man in a t-shirt the other day which read “Behind every strong person is a story that made them this way.”
I might be paraphrasing a little, but my intention and interpretation are more important.
I don’t know if I’m strong or not.
I don’t know if I’m weak or worse, I don’t know if I’m smart, or stupid at times, or brave, or glutton for punishment . . .
But in the end, my hope is all I have. This is all that I own, and truly, this is all that pushes me to survive, lifeless or not, loveless or worse.
Say goodbye to what was.
That’s my plan.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next.
But I do know that if all I do is what I’ve always done, then I’ll only get what I’ve always had . . .
and today, I want more.
The Written Addiction 