What Now? -Chapter 25

I admit that I am scared. I admit that I am intimidated and yes, I admit to the thoughts, which are not just about the “What now,” questions.
Instead, they sound more like, “What if?
What if I turned left instead of right?
What if I listened more?
What if I found a way to put my pain or fears and my worries to the side?
What if I did more instead of resisted more?
What if?
This is a both a great and painful question.

What if I stopped?
What if I let my guard down and “I’m sorry,” and let my truth be shown?
What if I let my heart take over, and regardless of my fears or my insecurities and no matter how the odds were stacked against me, what if I jumped in the deep end? What if I just plunged instead of tested the waters or gave in to fear?
What if I laid it on the line without a second guess or overthinking?

What if?
Same as I have been asking myself the “What now?” questions for as long as I can remember, I have also been asking myself the “What if?” questions. To be clear, the question is neither positive nor negative. The questions can be about the past or the present or, of course, this can be about the future.

What if I went left instead of right?

I have thought about this question specifically.
I have wondered “what if” I said goodbye and walked away from one life so that I could go and run into the arms of my real life and thus, I’d be able to open the door to the life I truly wanted
(always).

There are times and moments in my history that stand out in my mind. And I think about this. I think about how I was stuck in the rut of some life that was unfitting for me, yet I stayed because I was more afraid of being on my own or of being alone, or worse, I was too afraid to find that I was unfit for anyone or anything, and that I would end up (and always be) alone.
I suppose this is more than what a so-called “man” is supposed to share.
Or maybe it takes a real man to admit this.
I don’t know . . .

I have seen what happens when we settle for less. I have seen what happens when we fail ourselves or when deep down, we know we want more but we fail to take the risk.
This is the real bitch!
I say this because this is what causes us to look back and realize that we have been disloyal to ourselves. Then, almost painfully and unfairly, we see someone or something which is a representation of the life we truly wanted. But sadly, someone else has it and it’s not us.
So you understand what I am trying to say?
Ah, the life more settled than lived.
This is what happens when we want more but fail to reach for it.
This is when the concept of living our real life is beyond our reach or otherwise impossible, or perhaps the idea is worrisome in the case that we are afraid to open up. We are afraid to find ourselves smacked in the face with the five fingers of rejection, as if the world laughs and says, “yeah, I know that you wanted this, but um, no. Sorry. This is not for you!”

I have lived a life that did not belong to me.
I can see when and where I have settled or when and where I allowed my dreams to fall to the wayside.
And yes, there comes a time when our eyes open wide enough, and we see what we did. We see our dishonesties which are both outward and inward, and we see the lies we told and realize the harms we caused which, again, this goes both ways—outward and inward.

Sometimes, there’s no coming back.
Sometimes, the things we say (or have said) or the things we did (or have done) are too much to overcome which, of course, this leads us to another question.
What if I never said those things out of anger?
What if I never acted like that?
Deep down, you know you didn’t mean what you said.
You know you didn’t mean what you did.

What if I shut my mouth?
What if I said, “wait a second” because I realized this is all going out of control and worse, I knew this was about to blow up in the worst way possible.

What if I stopped and just told the truth which is:
I am scared.
I am insecure.
I’m afraid to be hurt or to be a fool again.
I’m afraid I’ll never get the life that I want.

I’m afraid to show you everything and then find out that I was unwanted after this, as if the deeper look into my heart and soul was too much. So, now I am exposed and now, I become naked and afraid, or undressed and worse, I am humiliated because I wasn’t good enough.

The worst of my fears is to give myself to someone and find out that I was the only one who felt this deeply or strongly and then foolishly, I believed in everything, but not everything was true.
Understand?
This is not to say that everything was a lie—but the lies were enough to destroy the truths—and then I realized I would never be “the one.”

Of course, I do mean this romantically and intimately. I am human, therefore, I have insecurities about my body, my voice, the way I talk and the way I am, dress, or the way I look.
I have insecurities that range from my intimate self to my education.

I have fears that what I thought was a good thing was only “one-way,” or felt by me, and that what I thought wasn’t really funny or good—in fact, I was the one being laughed at, and not with, so-to-speak.

What if what I want isn’t real?
What if what I want is only real to me?
What if I don’t deserve it?
You know?

I can think of times in my professional life when I “played it safe” and failed to take the leap of faith or failed to take the risk. I suppose the same rules apply here. I suppose the same fears and the same worries plagued me in my professional life as they did in my personal or in my intimate life.

What if?

What if I took a chance and said, so what if I lose?
I’m doing this anyway.
At least I tried instead of sat in the same tired life and plagued the rest of my remaining years asking myself, “what if?”

What if I learned to be brave?
What if I let go of the pain?
And I know this last question has validity to me.
I know this because I used to be afraid to let go of pain.

I was afraid to let go or let down my guard because what happens to me if I decide to try, and I let go of my pain or I let down my guard?
What if I expose myself to the light or give myself the chance and feel the warmth, only to have it ruined because the moment wasn’t really mine (or meant for me).
Then, instantly, the pain comes back again and there I am, back in the gloom of a sad moment, alone and rejected.

This is more than I have ever shared or as deep as I can go. This is where my deepest scars live and my hardest secrets lurk and rot away at my soul.
However, I am exposing this for a reason.
I don’t want to ask the “what if” question anymore.
At least not like this.
I want to live.
And sometimes, life hurts.
A lot. . .
But not trying or not doing or not living the life you really wanted hurts worse.
Much worse.
So, now—

The questions have to change from what if I try, and it doesn’t work, to what if I try and find out my life is more beautiful than I thought?
What if my reality outshines the fantasy?
What if the moon is even bigger to me now?
What if I find out I am worth more?
What if I find out I deserve more?
Or better?
What if I give it a shot and get exactly what I want?
What if I do this and find myself, like, somewhere in an old red convertible with the sun on my face and driving along a coastal road and heading towards The Keys?
I never did this drive.
But I bet my life that I will
(Someday)

What if I give myself a chance and find myself in the perfect reflection and say, “Goddamn it, I didn’t know the towns in Islamorada could be this beautiful.”

What if the future is now, and rather than succumb to intimidation, I say to hell with the past, “I’m going for it now!”

Now might not be the time . . .
But that’s okay.
I know there is a better future out there for me.
But I’ll have to work for it.

Otherwise, I’ll just be asking myself the “what if” questions for the rest of my life.
And to that, I say no thanks.
I’ve played that game before, and I lost too many times.

I’ll treat today like it’s day one
and if you can hear me, up there, dear Universe,
I’m opening up to you . . .
to pull off your trick
and to make it so—
I’m not going anywhere.
Do you hear me?