More than anything, I just want to be. I want to belong. I want to fit.
I want this more than anything else. I want to be comfortable, as if to know that in my heart, this is exactly where I am supposed to be, and even if things go astray, or if the days are not kind or when life takes a turn, I want to know and understand that regardless of everything, deep down, I know that I’m okay.
I want to walk through my front door and open up to a place which I call home. I want to have this. All of this. And I want this to be complete with all my dreams and all my wishes which have at last, and finally all of my work has paid off. All of my troubles were obviously worthwhile because, through it all, I endured enough to make sure that my dreams were not just dreams. And at last, they have all come true.
I want to find myself. I want to feel.
I want to go, and be, and be able to do what’s in my heart. I want to find my place in this world and not worry if this is only temporary or short-lived.
I want this.
I want this with all of my heart.
More than anything, I want to live, love, laugh and learn.
I don’t want to live my life and question everything—at least not from the “what now?” or from a “what if” perspective. If I do find myself in this perspective, or if I am on the perimeter of “what now” or “what if” concepts, then I want to be here in the best way possible, as if to say, “what now?” because I never knew that life could be this good or get better, or say, that dreams would or could come true.
I want to rid myself of the old or insecure jargon that goes on in my head. I want to free myself from the steady flow of overthinking. More than anything else, I want to find the serenity that comes with having peace of mind.
I want to breathe, nice and deep.
I want to breath in and then exhale. I want to find myself amid the world and not worry about who comes or goes.
I want to see my reflection in the mirror and be satisfied.
I want to view my reflection, without regret, or without the burdensome thoughts that blur the vision to an otherwise beautiful world, which can trick the way we see ourselves, or confuse us, into believing that we are ugly.
I don’t want to be ugly.
(anymore)
But . . .
Before I move forward and tell you anything else, I have to say that I am coming to the end of this journal. However, I understand that I still have more to do and more to say. I have more to write and more to see. I have more to travel and more to learn.
I have come here, every day, and for more than a decade. I have been doing this for a long time with hopes that I can find at least a small piece of sanity. If there is such a thing . . .
I come here to gain a semblance of comfort and peace.
I have come here to reach out to you and to explain myself.
I have come here to rid myself of the wrongs and to relieve myself of the burdensome ideas which can weigh upon us, or weigh us down, or keep us from rising above struggles and surpassing our own limitations.
I admit to nothing else but being human. I admit to my thoughts and ideas and as for my biases and my trained or insecure assumptions, yes, I admit to them too.
I admit to my wrongs and my faults.
I admit to my bouts with narcissism.
I admit to my selfish side too.
But to be clear, I want more.
I have always wanted to build a home. I do not mean this in the sense that I want to build a house, brick by brick, and I don’t mean that I want to buy this either — no, I want to build my home from an emotional perspective. I want this to be more than where I live and more valuable than the real estate market.
The home I want to build cannot be paid for in cash nor is this subject to mortgage rates and credit scores.
No, this is more than a mansion and more than a castle; however, in the spirit of castles or castles made of sand, I want to build my kingdom.
Therefore, no matter where I go, no matter where I travel, no matter where I live, I can walk easily and comfortably because no matter where I am in life, I will always have a home.
I don’t need the big house on the block. I don’t need the fanciest car. I don’t need the biggest boat and I don’t need the fake salutations that come when walking in a place of business, as if I am Mr. Big Shot and the only reason to pay attention to me is because I have money to spend.
I don’t need validation nor do I want accolades or the prestige of a big job title and some fancy office.
I don’t need to worship any of the false idols or the plastic gods or the so-called golden horses.
No, I only want to come to a better level of awareness so that I can improve my level of personal consciousness. Thus, I can reach that optimal level of understanding which means that I am free enough to understand my truths.
Therefore, I will never give in to a lie or surrender to a mistruth about myself; but further, I will never buckle under the pressure of someone’s insult because, in the end, I know me well enough to understand exactly who I am and who I am not.
To me, this is what it means to be free. To be clear, nothing can buy this kind of freedom. No one can rent this either.
No, not at all.
This is what it means to know yourself. This is what it means to understand that insults are meaningless, and rejection doesn’t exist anymore.
I have told you about my thoughts about “The Red Velvet Ropes.”
Haven’t I?
I call this my Red Velvet theory because I used to stand outside of nightclubs in Manhattan and, of course, I would wait for the bouncers and the promoters to pick me, as if I were deemed enough to be worthy or good-looking enough—and when they picked me, then I would be gifted, and they would unclasp the red velvet ropes, which border the front door of the club. Then I would be allowed in — to dance and party and play with the so-called pretty people.
I remember the ideas of judgment. I remember the so-called pretty people and how they approached the velvet ropes. I remember their facial expressions, cool as ever, and how the promotor or the bouncer would unclasp the rope and allow them access to the venue.
I could hear the music. I could hear the bass. I could feel the adrenaline of what it must be like inside and, at the same time, I could feel the internal judgment.
I could feel the way I allowed myself to be susceptible to believing that somehow, I was less-than or not as pretty, or that I was otherwise ugly. Therefore, I could never be beautiful.
I want to get away from this.
As in, far away.
I want to build a new world for myself. I want to rebuild my thinking and realize that velvet ropes do not exist where I live now. I want to reach a point where none of this means anything to me, and as I walk along this path we call life, I will never allow myself to be susceptible to outside judgment.
Not now or ever again.
I want to build this as my platform so that essentially, I will never be ugly in my own mind again. In fact, I will understand who I am and therefore, I will know about my own beauty which will now become unquestionable; and me, I can become unstoppable.
I want to have a nice, small, and humble place. I want to enjoy things like a Christmas dinner in my home and enjoy the sparkles of holiday lights and feel the presence of love, which in and of itself, is the best present of all—to be present and to be loved, to understand, to have a house or a home; wherever this may be, and to be free. I have to build this place, both emotionally, figuratively, and literally, brick by brick, and by any means necessary.
Come to think of it –
I have met miserable millionaires. I have met people who have everything yet they really have nothing.
I’ve had “nothing” for a very long time.
But now –
I want more.
I want something.
I want something that cannot be bought and better, I want to create this and feel the true sense of pride, which is not confused by ego, and then yes, I will be free.
I want to dance. I want to play.
I want to be happy.
So, what now?
I still don’t have the answer to that.
Who knows though?
The day is young, and I have more to see.
I have more to go, and more to be, and much more to do.
I’ll let this rest for now.
And I’ll say goodbye to this journal with a final farewell tomorrow.
But for now, I have a plan to build.
All I need to do is create a strategy so that I can make it so.
Know what I mean?
The Written Addiction 