Sometimes . . .
The “when” moments are not a bad thing. For example, there was a time when I reenacted a chapter from the first book I ever read. And I say this mindfully because I did read before this. However, those books are something which I would call mandatory reading. This book was different.
This was the first book that I ever read from cover to cover. This was a great piece of work. But more, this was a book that was written by a hero of mine.
Although, unknown to him, I am nothing more than a fan—at the same time, the book was a piece of art. This was the first time I ever read the work of Robert Fulghum.
Yes, he is a real hero to me.
I reenacted a chapter which was simple and easy. I put on some music, and I set up the ingredients to one of my favorite meals. I made my special mashed potatoes and fried chicken cutlets. I did this with brown gravy.
I set aside a few appetizers to start with, and I made a salad, and everything was made by me, and more than anything else, everything was made exactly the way I like it.
Perfectly.
I had the music going. I was singing as loud as I could. I was cooking and sure, I made a mess. I had a sink filled with dishes. I had a mess on the counter. But, so what?
My little apartment smelled great. The food filled my belly. My little television was like my new best friend and a best companion. I ate my food and enjoyed every bite.
I was on the verge of one of my more painful changes. I was experiencing loss at the worst kind of level. But Fulghum was right. He wrote about doing something like this with chicken friend steak.
I’ve had chicken fried steak before—but this was not Fulghum’s chapter. No, this was mine, inspired by him, and once more, Fulghum saved my life that day.
I was introduced to his book, “All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” when The Old Man was in the hospital. The Old Man was reading Fulghum’s book before his health took a turn for the worse. Perhaps this was another one of my roughest times in life; however, this is why I say Fulghum is one of my heroes.
I say this because in the absolute worst moment of my young life, my Old Man was dying, my life was changing. I had no true understanding of “self” and my identity was in question—I was unsure of who I am supposed to be, and I was afraid, intimidated, and unsure how to live and breathe. However, it was the simplest thing for me to read about a man who was alone one day and decided to take the reins. What I mean is he chose to switch and take control over a personal sadness.
I never had a day that I would wish to live over, exactly as it was—at least not until Fulghum inspired me to create one.
Now, this is my life’s goal: to create a day that I would like to live, exactly as it was, without changing anything.
This is one of the memories that, if I could, I would relive it exactly as it was.
This is a time when I was sad, unsure and afraid, and reaching back into my memory of seeing The Old Man in a hospital bed, I recalled the chapter I read in Fulghum’s book.
I decided to cut ties with the real world for the moment and cook a meal for myself.
Oh, and as for the cleaning up part and the pile of dishes in the sink, I did clean up.
Perhaps, not right away. But I did clean up,
when I was ready
I say again, sometimes the word “when” is good.
Like the time when I watched the sun go down over my town. I was young and comfortable enough to stay away from the crowd, at least for a while. I was a confused kid. I had my special tricks which I used to enhance the lighting and erase the mind for a while.
I suppose this was part of the trade when light drugs were around me. This is a real moment just before or during my climb from the basics to the more hardcore substances.
However, I was tired of what I saw. I was tired of the bullshit. I was tired of the lies and of the friendless friends and the friendly enemies who circled around me.
I was tired of the flashy teeth from sharpened smiles who grinned about the knives in my back.
I was fine to cut ties with the world and fine to be alone or away and comfortable to be anonymous for the moment. While I do not support the systems I used at the time, such as the magic elixir in my little flask or the box of Marlboro Red cigarettes in the front chest pocket of my denim jacket, and while I am sober today—I acknowledge that this was not always the case. However, this is not about the right or wrong or the sins or sinless moments. This is not about judgment but instead, this is about the perspective of me, when I was young and wishing for something better to come along.
I was outdoors in the autumn months when the air began to chill. I recall the aroma of fireplaces from nearby homes in my suburban town.
I was sitting in a local sumpa during the sunset. I was fine to be alone. I had music wired to the headphones over my ears.
I had the songs from Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album to keep me company and above me, the orange sky is one that is still locked in my memory banks.
I consider this sunset to be one of the most beautiful sunsets of my life.
This was one of my first, “Stay Gold” memories and perhaps, this was a time that inspired me to start writing poetry.
This is a “when” moment that, while again, I do not support my habits the same way, I do understand the beauty of separation and the perfect disconnection from people, places and things. I still need this; however, I do this from a physical standpoint instead of chemically.
I remember this moment when I was good to be alone.
I didn’t have to blame anyone. I didn’t have to assume fault or guilt. I was fine to be away and fine to adjust my senses to the sky and watch the sun go down.
I have had “when” moments with others too, which I need to acknowledge that perhaps they are gone or the people are vanished from my life; however, if I allow honesty to prevail and remove the aftermath of drama-fueled arguments or breakups — I can say that if I am being honest, I have been to great places and I have seen great things.
I have been with great people — even if my opinion of them has changed since then or if the relationship is over. I have done great things and experienced a moment “when” despite the off-putting memories that followed and the harsh realities that ensued—there were times when I laughed and I cried and I howled and I lived to see great things. And nothing can change that.
It is inaccurate to say everything is awful or wonderful.
But this is life. And this is how life goes.
There will always be a mix of sun and rain, right?
That’s okay because while it might not be sunny all the time, it can’t rain forever.
Right?
We laugh and we cry.
We live and we learn.
I am new to this chapter, of course, and while I am not alone or as alone as I was, I am new to this journey, which has changed, and perhaps this journey has changed somewhat quickly or suddenly. Therefore, I refer to what Socrates said about change and how change is law, and no amount of pretending can alter this fact.
We might not like what takes place
But –
It is my heartfelt responsibility to acknowledge who I am and where I’ve come from. It is equally my heartfelt responsibility to acknowledge my growth, my faults and weaknesses, as well as my strengths and benefits.
I am not all good or all bad.
I’m only me from now until the hour of my death-
Amen.
Life is going to happen and eventually, challenges will unfold to a better level of understanding.
This means our eyes will open to see things differently, which means we don’t have to be slaved to the wrong life anymore, or ever again.
We adapt and we can overcome. As hard as it may be to look back at things without anger, if we are honest, we can see where the clouds broke and the sun shone through.
Not everything ends. And not everything ends well. But not every ending has to be so tragic that we can’t remember a time when life was good . . .
This is a good example of “when” moments and how sometimes, thinking about “when” can be a good thing.
Dear Mr. Fulghum,
Thank you, sir.
You have inspired me.
Your unknown fan and friend
B—
And you . . .
Don’t worry.
I’ll do my best
to “Stay Gold!”
But you’ll have to promise to do the same.
No matter what.
Okay?
The Written Addiction 