There is a time when loss happens to us all. And this is unavoidable. But, this doesn’t mean we have to lose all the time and if we pay attention, perhaps we don’t have to lose to the same things ever again.
Loss is real and maybe this isn’t something that should be taken lightly.
Maybe this is something that we need to remember. Maybe we owe it to ourselves to face the facts so that, of course, we never run into the same mistake twice.
To be clear, this is not to say that every loss is a mistake. At the same time, every loss comes with a lesson. Right?
So, perhaps we should learn from them.
The truth is, nobody wants to lose. No one wants to be hurt or be rejected or find out that as hard they tried, they came up short or that their dream wasn’t meant to be.
I don’t want to believe that — that my dream wasn’t meant to be or that it wasn’t real. More than anything, I don’t want to believe that my dream was too big and that I was too small or too weak to hold on tight enough.
Nobody wants to take a shot and miss. No one wants to be left out and nobody wants to see their dream disappear or vanish in front of their face. No one wants to be disappointed and while I understand that disappointments are part of life, so are victories.
Understand?
Loss is part of life. To some degree, loss can come with gains.
These are the gains that allow us to make corrections or help us to come to a better understanding and perhaps next time (if there is a next time), maybe we can learn from the past.
Maybe we can understand the value of our interactions. Better yet, we can learn the worth of an actual moment which is irretrievable and unchangeable after its gone. This means we can see how valuable something, or someone is. And I get that.
I really do. This is not just about people or a person, per se. No, this is about people, places, and things and the way we live and value our time.
I know the saying is true, “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
And this hurts . . .
Maybe we shouldn’t recall every unnecessary thing or overthink the sad times or the hurtful ones. At the same time, we need to understand what degrades us.
We need to know what pulls us apart and where we made mistakes. We need to know what causes us to do or say things that are either unbecoming, or lead us to speak out of character, and in hindsight, we can look back and we can see when and where we took the simple things for granted.
To be honest. I love the simple things.
Maybe I should tell you this –
Maybe I should stand firm and admit to my faults.
Let me tell you how I am weak, or perhaps I should say that I have never truly dared. Yes, there are times when the world was ready to meet me more than halfway, and like anyone else in the world who is plagued with fear and insecurity, I was too afraid to take the chance.
I was too afraid to be hurt or let down. As I think of it, and to be clear and as transparent as possible, my fears of inadequacy and my worries that I would never be enough were always very real to me.
I can say that the same as it is with the limitations that come with the imposter syndrome, I was always too afraid that eventually the curtain would rise and that I would be “found out” so-to-speak. I was afraid to be revealed or exposed and seen as lacking or unworthy. I was afraid that I would be truly seen and then, the crowd would dwindle or disappear, and then all else would vanish. Hence, I would be alone more so than ever before.
I know about this all too well. I call this the battle of self, or more importantly, aI call this the battles of shame.
I have learned that our identity is everything. Who we are and how we see ourselves, and who we hope to be, or how we want to be seen—and of course, how we hope to be wanted or included and accepted and viewed has an impact on our relationships.
If we are afraid of being rejected or “found out,” then we live and react according to this regard.
Insecurity is a bitch! Make no mistake.
I say this because I am someone who has lived with different crippling fears or feelings of inadequacy. I am someone who has lived with the inaccurate assumptions that no one would ever stay forever—that no one will ever want me “for real” or for any long period of time, and that good things are only temporary, and pain or disappointments are a guarantee in life, which they are.
But so are good things.
It can’t rain forever. Right?
I have lost more than I have gained because of this type of thinking. I have lost decades of my life because of overthinking. I have lost love and time as a result of the catastrophizing effects that happen when we think too much or focus on the worst. When this happens, almost willingly and subconsciously, we make our own worst fears come true.
I know that I’ve done this to myself.
(Have you?)
I was afraid that I would always be hated. And maybe I am, at least with some people.
But in fairness, I am like a child. I’m scared.
I am new in so many regards.
I never really understood how to express or understand love. I was always too afraid to share or take or accept love and so, I was always unsure if love was real.
I never knew if love was real or perhaps love is like a fairy tale or as real as Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy.
Is love real?
Perhaps, I thought that love was just some trick with smoke and mirrors and then, should I fall for it, I was always afraid to be the fool who took the bait and fell for the joke.
Then I’d be laughed at (again).
My past mistakes and regrets compile like an old unwanted friend who comes around and reminds me of the worst possible things.
I swear that he whispers louder than any scream.
I’m just a child, which sounds harsh or as if this is me being hard on myself—but no, this is only an honest assessment. I am not a child, at least not so much.
I am someone who allowed the ghosts of my past to have way too much say in the hopes of my future—which means that my ghosts are ever haunting or tricking me into believing that the imposter syndrome is true. And I am nothing more than fake.
I was asked, “What makes me different from anyone else?”
You . . .
And I say this as convincingly as I can.
I say this because no one in the world has what you have.
No one else can do what you do or smile like you smile.
No one can laugh like you.
No one can change the mood in the room, just because you walked in the door.
No one has your style of beauty.
You are a brand unlike any other.
You are the only person in the world that allows this place to make sense.
So, let’s not lose sight of this.
You are perfect, exactly as you are.
You are my most special friend and the only person who can make a difference in this life.
Now, look in the mirror
(as I say this to myself as well).
See it. Say it.
Know it.
And, since this journal is called The Book of When?
Then I write this as means to understand one important thing.
Understand that the day you’ll be happy is the day when you realize that you are far more incredible than you believe.
Until then, we’ll never really understand what makes us so wonderful or so different.
I don’t know what makes us wonderful or different
But deep down—
I just know we are.
The Written Addiction 