Random, Aimless and Unplanned – An Outstanding Balance

There is, of course, the outstanding balance which is something that I believe we should talk about.
What I mean is, I believe in the debts of the heart and, equally, I believe in the “give and take” and the rise and fall of the tides. Further, I believe that not all that glitters is gold nor is there always a good time or a good place.
Not everything will run smoothly, but at the same time, no one can kill me forever.
Understand?

Either way, I think now is a good time to talk about our mutual debts and the outstanding balance of the heart.

It is no longer an assumption to me that life changes and it is no longer a surprise to find that not everything (or everyone) is as they seem.
Life changes and so have I.
So have you, by the way,
and none of this is good or bad.
It just “is.”
It is not a surprise to see that not everyone is honest or as up front as we hoped they would be, and no, not every lie is as evil as the next. Yet, there is the question, of course, which is why lie?
Or why bother?

I have had to ask myself this question many times.
Why?
What comes from this?
How does this help anyone?

I am a firm believer in the saying that you can either save face or save your ass.
But no matter what, you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.

I admit to a plastic smile. I admit to my lies.
I admit to my wrongs, and I admit to my fears and worries. Even more, I admit to worries that I will never get “my way” and so, I worked the angles.
I manipulated the systems around my life—but to what avail?
What did this do for me?
What has this done for anyone who is (or was) involved with me?

I am not the only victim or perpetrator.
No. . .
I think it is time that we talked about the debts that I owe as well as the debts that I am owed.

There is, of course, the outstanding balance of the heart. But more, there is a sense of personal and emotional bankruptcy. This takes place when we find ourselves in the midst of a realization that this is really “it” this time, as if to come to a moment of awareness. Whether we had hoped or wished for the best, there comes a time when we recognize the warnings and the things we have been told.
We see where the two-faced comments came from. We see how someone talked from one side of their mouth, and quite instantly, we can see how they spoke from the other side as well.

I remember a line from a movie.
I’m not sure which movie this was or how to quote this exactly. But I can try.

I remember a woman realizing that her boyfriend was being dishonest and two-faced.
The couple had plans. They were supposed to go to lunch.
The woman told her man, “Why don’t you go and order two lunches for yourself — one to feed each face!”

I love this saying.

Now, in all fairness, I admit to my part in this. I am not a fit judge nor am I fit to accuse or condemn anyone.
At the same time, I can say that because of this, I increased my debts of the heart, and more, I have lost more, and I have hurt more, and alone, I understand more about the emptiness which comes from emotional bankruptcy.

I do believe in karma and I believe in the impending doom of karmic debt.
I know because we go to lunch quite often and karma likes to laugh as often as possible.
I believe in the debts of the heart, and I believe in the power from the pains of our past.

I agree that we “take it out” on the wrong people. I agree with another saying, which states, “if you don’t heal from what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”

I like this one.
Hits home, you know?
There’s truth to this which is why I think now is a good time to talk about the outstanding debt which comes from the heart.

Yes. I owe.
Perhaps my debts are greater than the credits that I hope to deserve.
(someday)
Yes, I have done wrong.
I have acted in ways that have no defense.
I am nothing more than a man, scared and tired.
However, as broke as I am and as bankrupt as I may be, at least I know where my heart is.

I don’t have to live two lives, or order two lunches—to feed both faces.

I don’t want to point or blame or accuse anymore.
I don’t want to hurt either. I certainly don’t want to bleed on anyone anymore, especially on those who don’t deserve the blame or the blood.

I want to be pure. I want to grow and improve.
I want to find a way to settle the debts from my past and to realize that I am no longer responsible for the debts which do not belong to me.

I paid what I could . . .
So –
I will keep this short.
But I will keep this true.

I am no one special, at least not to the rest of the world.
However, I only want to be special to one person.
And this happens when fate allows.
I don’t want to be fake or plastic and more than anything, I don’t ever want to settle or look around and say, “well, I can’t have what I want—so, I guess this will be good enough.”

I don’t want to be like someone I knew (once) who chose a path and believed “oh well, I guess this is as good of a place as any . . . to die.”
I don’t want good enough anymore.
I want the dream—for as long as it takes, or even if I never make it to where I want to be, at least in my heart, I’ll know that I never sold myself short
(again).