Ah, just skip it.
What a great idea this would be, to just skip it, or walk away, or to “cut out,” like we did when we were kids, remember?
Skipping school or cutting classes, and maybe finding ourselves in a group somewhere, like on some class trip of our own—only, there was no class of any kind, and perhaps the trip was everything and anything but innocent.
There has to be a time when we can lay back and just let the music play.
You know?
Just escape . . .
What an idea this is.
Come to think of it, I was listening to a speaker suggest that everyone should devote at least 30 minutes of their day to some form of meditation — unless you’re really busy, and if you are, then make it an hour.
I thought about this. I thought about the time I devote to this thing we call self-care. I thought about how most people are otherwise careless about their self-care or how we place others in a higher priority, or elsewise, I thought about our terms of codependency and how the source of internal happiness cannot rely or depend upon external resources.
I have allowed people, places and things to weigh in at a higher level of importance for way too long.
Then again, I’m sure I’m not alone with this.
I want to feel better too. I want to be happy.
I want to “feel good!”
I remember hearing people tell me how, “I love to get high. I just hate paying the consequences.”
I’ve heard people say, ” I would get high right now if I didn’t have to pay the consequences.”
I might have said this too. But that was years ago.
Consequences or not, my version of high or being euphoric is not the same as it used to be.
So, no. Consequences or not, my aim to feel high has nothing to do with drugs of that sort.
Now, this leads me to an ongoing discussion, and perhaps some would call this a debate, which I have been having for years. The topic is about the gateway drug which has been frequently listed as marijuana for most people.
But I question this.
Some people insist that alcohol was their gateway.
But I question this too.
But first –
What is a drug?
So, the dictionary says:
Drug: a medicine or other substance which has a physiological effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body.
Okay. This is simple enough, right?
I’m sure we’ve all introduced medicine or substances into the body far before marijuana.
You think?
What are drugs intended to do—to medicate or make someone feel better.
Isn’t that it?
Okay, so, if this is the case then it can easily be said that aspirin made me feel better. Cough syrup helped me feel better too.
In fact, I remember when I was small and perhaps too young to explain my symptoms. Mom would take a baby aspirin and break it up into a teaspoon of water and then I would swallow the contents of the teaspoon.
(In fact, and hauntingly enough, I had this come to me as a vivid memory the first time I ever cooked up my own “medication” in a spoon. But that’s only something people “who know” will truly understand.)
Now, I cannot say that baby aspirin has the same effects as, say, purple kush or a packet that I used to pick up on 134th named “KING” nor can I attest that baby aspirin does the same as a bag of Crazy Eddie, over on 116th Street, or anything else like that. But at the same time, I was experiencing an uncomfortable feeling so I used an external remedy to feel better.
But let’s take this back even further.
By the way, a bag of “purp,” or KING, or Crazy Eddie were all designed for the same intention – to feel better.
So please, allow me to continue.
Why do infants cry?
Well, the truth is we don’t know why. We can assume but, for the most part, babies do not have the language to explain their discomforts.
What do parents do when their babies cry?
We put a pacifier in their mouths, right?
Right!
We don’t necessarily know if the baby is crying because the baby is scared or has a belly ache. We don’t know if there’s pain or there’s some other kind of discomfort. However, regardless of why the child cries, as parents, we place the pacifier in the mouth of the child with hopes to bring them peace or make them calm.
One could say that a pacifier is something that has a physiological effect when introduced to the body.
No?
In fairness to the gateway drug or my answer to the question, my point is we have been taught since birth to use an external remedy to solve an internal dilemma. Especially when we lack the ability to convey or explain ourselves.
Some people say their gateway is marijuana or weed. Some say it’s alcohol. Some say other things but me, I say we have been taught about the idea of using external remedies to solve internal discomforts since early childhood.
In this case, we used a pacifier—and what does a pacifier do?
It pacifies the child.
Right?
Of course it does.
What do sleeping pills do?
They pacify the need to sleep, right?
What do pain killers do?
Pacifies the pain, correct?
We have been taught to use remedies like this from our earliest memory. Now, in fairness, medications has their purposes. Of course, they do.
But again, let’s go back to when a child cries and lacks the ability to convey or explain their discomfort—what do they do?
They cry, right?
Crying and unexplainable pains and discomfort are not limited to early life or the days of us in diapers. No, this is lifelong and ongoing.
Perhaps we might not cry as often or as loudly (or outwardly) as we did when we were in diapers, but the need to find comfort when life is otherwise uncomfortable does not stop after we are potty trained.
We have been taught to use a pacifier of some kind since birth, so, in my estimation, the question regarding the gateway drug is far deeper than the typical answer.
Why isn’t the pacifier the answer?
I recall being interviewed.
I was asked what I thought addiction or alcoholism was.
I explained myself like this.
I always wanted to find that “perfect” high or that “perfect” feeling. But my scales were always off balance. For example, life kicks in. People can be unkind. Life can be unfair. Bad news happens.
It rains when you needed the sun—or the girl you loved turned out to be someone who would never love you back and laughed in your face. Then, there are the social bullies who made you look foolish or exposed you, like, say, a 2nd grader in the lunchroom who accidently peed their pants and had to go to the nurse’s office for an emergency pair—except, the only pair that fit was a pair of purple corduroys which everyone made fun of (and I speak from the humiliation of experience, by the way, because I was that kid!) and either way, life comes with its share of ups and downs, discomforts, pains, aches, heartbreaks, humiliations and letdowns.
I understand the meaning of hysterics and emotional overload. I understand the feelings and the thoughts which come with the belief system of insecurity.
I understand the need to feel better or to find that ‘perfect’ high or the otherwise need to balance the scales—only, the problem with drugs or quick-fixes are that once the goodness is gone, or the high and the euphoria, or the pain relief vacates, the scales become off-balanced again. This is when we find ourselves on the constant move, back and forth, to balance the scales.
The blindness of compulsion and the obsession which comes with the use of whatever the drug may be is very clear. Hence, the blindness does not see abstinence as a viable option. No.
How else would we feel better?
How else does an infant feel better when the parent suddenly takes away their pacifier?
So, what do the parents do?
They pop the pacifier in the child’s mouth.
By the way, how does a parent stop this?
They ween their child off of the pacifier.
I’ve been weened off things too.
They called this detox.
Understand?
I was asked about addiction –
In my best explanation, or at least as this applies to me, my addiction was the need to find balance or peace.
I wanted to even the scales. But the scales were always out-of-whack, or off balance.
Therefore, I was always on the run, back and forth.
Addiction to me was seeking balance while using an external resource.
And as for sobriety—
Well, sobriety is achieving balance without the use of an external resource.
I have been sober for more than 33 years.
I rarely think or talk about drugs or alcohol.
My life is not consumed with the ideas of getting high. However, I do need to find balance and yes, admittedly, I have used less-than-healthy ways to achieve a better feeling, but again, short-term fixes and remedies only lead to short-term relief.
And me?
I want long-term relief.
I want a long-term high, and one that will not be so costly that I lose myself or my life or disregard or hurt the world around me.
I created a daily exercise routine in my life for more than a year now.
This has physiological effects too.
This is my drug now.
I train in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. This has a physiological effect as well.
In fact, I send this to you while feeling sore, the morning after training and rolling around on the floor with a bigger, stronger, and more experienced Jiu-Jitsu practitioner.
But. . .
I also had the chance to work with a young kid, 14 years-old, who is only beginning his training.
I was happy to see this.
I was happy to see that this young kid, and a “one-day hopeful” at whatever he chooses, and one day successful person, a kid who will become a man (if he chooses) has refused to be pacified by the typical experiences.
Instead, he chose a different road to go down.
Jiu-Jitsu!
I love that. . .
Lastly, am I more balanced?
The truth is yes.
But I find myself chasing the scales sometimes and looking for a quicker fix.
I’m trying though, despite my enemies and despite the critics and despite the demons who would love to watch me fall and welcome me with a smile and open arms, I’m getting better.
I’m not the best but I’m not the worst either.
I’m just another passenger here—just trying to get better.
One day at a time.
Oh, but off the record . . .
it would be nice to say, ah, just skip it and head to Central Park for the day.
I’d be down for a trip like this, if you’d be down to meet me.
You in?
The Written Addiction 