Random, Aimless and Unplanned – Just Thoughts

These are just thoughts. That’s all.
They are written in random order and without thought, without plan, without direction, and most times, I swear, I have no idea which way this will go.
But I know where I want to go.

I want to pull in close and feel the music, which is like something I have always dreamed about if I ever went to San Francisco, which I grant you reality might never match my fantasy and the streets I’ve hoped for might never look like the streets that exist. But still, I want this.
But even more, I want to take this slow.

I want to enjoy the ride in my mind and let myself breathe, as if to inhale the aroma of all that could be. I could close my eyes and see this in my heart, as if everything about this were as real as you or me.
See?
I know about fantasy too.
I know that reality is often a letdown or unequal to the heights of my dreams.
Yes, I swear, my dreams are lofty and high. They are pure and unbothered, untouched, and unmolested by man, woman, or the realities of any living thing.
There are no odds against me, or us, and there is no tragic ending. Sure, “happily ever after” is as real as the sun, the moon, and the world below.

I want to feel the way it would be if the lights were bright, and the night was long. The music, of course, was perfect, and nothing in the world could ever be like “this moment.”
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what a slow dance is like when it is more meaningful than anything else?
I want this too.
I want it more now than ever before.
Of course, I do.
I’m on the clock and the hour is always later than we think it is.

And yes, I am a man of fantasy, like the stories of Walter Mitty, who is by no means a written man of my invention. But I understand. I understand him all too well.
I understand the different derivatives of fantasy, like the way it would feel to walk through the streets of old Juarez Mexico, in love, fully content, happy of course and seemingly free enough to recall that I was here once before as a young teenager. So, I would be joyful enough to share this moment in a new way, as if to say, “here, this was a part of my childhood that no one really knows about. And now, I want to share this moment with you.”
I want to build this
I want to package this and create this in such a way, or tie with some invisible ribbons, and offer this away, lovingly, and freely without regard for loss or the worry that some day I might have to ask for this back.

I like the ideas that move through my head. I like the sands through the hourglass which remind me that time is at hand and the moment is pivotal and ticking away.
Every second is fleeting and vanishing at the same time.

There is only one shot and one chance. There is only one “now” and we often fail to realize that “now” can be gone and thus, we often realize to late in the game that nothing is as irretrievable as a moment, once it’s gone.
Today will never be here again and we all know this.
Perhaps this is only known from an intellectual standpoint because emotionally, we realize that there’s only so much time in a day, and maybe we’re afraid that we won’t get our way.
Or maybe we’re afraid that our dreams come true or actually too good to be true so, of course, how can anything be true in this regard?

Maybe we’re afraid that we won’t be able to pull off our trick.
That could be true.
Maybe we’re worried that time will run out, and then what?
What about life without the fire inside or the doused flame or humdrum living, or settling for a life that has no passion, no boiling point, and nothing more than “more of the same,” and what about the life that is known but unwanted?
What is this kind of life?
Is this life at all?
Or is this just existing?

What about the people who ache and feel pain over the life they never dared to live?
What about the people who never dared to love their true love and when they had the chance, what happened when they lived in fear, and rather than advance, they withdrew, and then what?

Maybe this is something to think about. Maybe we should take heed and realize that the time is now, and that we need to act.
We need to move.
We need to live, as in right now, as in “live for today!” and, of course, we need to realize that tomorrow is never guaranteed.
Nothing is given to you, except for the moment at hand—and then when the moment is here, then what?
To be clear –
You’ll have to find whatever it takes. I mean you’ll have to find the gumption, you’ll have to find the fortitude, or the guts, or the balls, and you’ll have to find the courage, and the bravery to make a move and then you’ll have to find the endurance to keep going so that no matter what comes, you can stay the course, and make your life happen.

So, make it so.
Do it.
Stop losing to your fears.

I do not buy your excuses. I do not accept your reasons or the trades you’ve come up with, as if to barter and trade your desires, and hold them away from your desires, like a child who’s been neglected, and never had the chance to play in the sun or dance in the rain.

And the rain?
Sure, I know about rainstorms.
I don’t mind them at all.
In fact, I love them.
I don’t mind the lullaby hush from the wind and the chattering rain across the rooftop. I don’t mind this or the need to stay in. I don’t mind the hours of fantasy which can be achieved at moments like this.
I don’t mind the silly foreplay of words and the teasing little moments that take place before the actions overwhelm us, and the need we share causes us to be overtaken in the bedroom.

I don’t mind my ideas of fantasy and I don’t mind the world in my head—even if nothing is ever as beautiful in real life.
I don’t mind this at all because, at least to me, nothing about you could ever be ugly and nothing about you would ever push me away enough to love you less, especially if I can love you more—and I say more, as in right now, and more than this, I want more.
I want everything.
I want the dream.
I want the tired laziness of a rainy day.
I want it all.
I want the feel of walking through the streets in unknown cities, somewhere on the other side of the country, far from where I live now. While fantasy is heavenly, so are the ideas of walking aimlessly, somewhere that we’ve never been to before and thinking to ourselves, “yeah, I could live here with you.”

I know that my fantasies are alive and well. No matter what changes have taken place. No matter what’s hurt me or what’s happened. I know that I dream and I know that regardless of what’s happened, I know that I will never submit.
However, I know that not all dreams can come true—but at least some of them do. Or if only one of them comes true, I know that wherever the dream will take me, I know that I will be there, someday.

With you.