Random, Aimless and Unplanned – Let This Be It

It is far from me now, the times of tomorrow,
and the dreams or the wheels that are in motion and yes,
I am far from where I had hoped to be. But I’m on my way.
I know I am.

It’s far now, as far as physical distance may be.
Or perhaps the distance between me and “it”
or the space between you and I
which is only a matter of relativity.
(In theory, of course)

I’m on my way towards something greater.
I’m on my way towards finding my place and better,
I am free now, so long as I choose to be.
I’m free from the lies and from the cheats
or those who speak from both sides of their mouth.

I am free from the pain and the restraints
that held me back (or kept me stuck)
and now?
Now, it’s time that I move.
It’s time to change the pace. More than anything,
it’s time to replace thought with action
so that I can make things happen because otherwise,
I will remain stuck or still.

It’s time to move.
And, so I will
Move—
But first, I have to be clear.
I have to adjust the meter and set my sights.
I have to have an idea, a plan, and a strategy to achieve this.

Nothing happens without this.
I need a direction to run towards.
Otherwise,
I’m just running away (again)
or running from something; in which case,
I can run the risk of landing at any port in the storm.
There’s a word for this —
it’s called settling.  

So, if I move, then I will move smart.
I’m not going to move in any crazy direction.
No.
I will step forward with intention.
I will move forward with calculation,
and I will move without rage
and without the need for revenge
or without any of the blinding symptoms
that degrade me
or keep me sick.

It’s time to go.
Right now.
It’s time to make changes and to create and build.
It’s time to think cautiously but steadily,
and rather than move with regards to catastrophe
or the assumed tragedies,
we have to move according
to the plans we have in place.

We have to focus on our efforts. Not our outcomes.
Or, as my old friend Todd would tell me
“We are in the effort business. Not the result business.”
I must be mindful. And I have to breathe.

I have to breathe because sometimes
breathing is all we can do
to prove that we’re still alive.
We have to breathe and take in the air,
as if this is going to fill our gas tank,
or as if this is going to encourage the heart
to beat stronger,
and should the heart need to beat faster,
then so be it.

Let it happen.
Let it come.
Face this.
Never turn. Never look away.
Keep your eyes on the prize ahead of us —
I swear it’s there.

There is no reverse.
There are no do-overs,
and this is life, live and in-person.

I am not too far from paradise
nor am I so far from my past.
I am here, and I am alive and well,
which is true, despite my best efforts.

There is no more sabotage.
There are no more self-deprecating conversations
with the internal voice.
There’s no more enemy within the gates
and I am no longer my own worst enemy.

Not today.
It’s okay to be your own best friend.
Sometimes, this is the best way to be.
And it’s good to be your own hero.

No one else is coming to rescue us.
We have to save our own lives, as in, like, every day . . .

This is okay too.
I am a man of faith yet,
I understand the meaning of the word faithless.
Or should I say,
I understand the terms between deserving
and undeserving.
And whether I deserve to find my own Valhalla,
or not –
as in the heaven where the souls of warriors
who died from battle live. While my battles differ,
and in some ways, my battles are small (to some)
but not to me.
I understand the need to find my paradise.

I want my version of Eden,
whether this is south or north, east, or west.
I want to find my paradise.
I want to build my own adobe for the soul;
and more, I want my own nirvana,
my own rapture, and yes,
as I move through this world,
before I find myself at the end,
I will open the door to my private church
and kneel before My Creator.

I might not understand the trip
right now.
I might not understand the path
or how to navigate from here to there.
But I know that there is a purpose in my heart
which says that yes, there is something ahead of me.

And you—

Take my hand, please.
I know there has been a past.
I know there has been doubts and fights
and troubles and battles which left wounds
and scars
so deep
that the idea of being ahead
seems impossible—but then again,
everything is impossible.
Until it’s done.

I swear, we can do this.
I know it in my heart.
Somehow, we are going to be exactly
where we want to be.

And I don’t know how I know it . . .
But—

Trust me,
“There’ll be hell to pay, in Heaven!”