It’s been a while since I opened up to you like this. Or perhaps I should explain this to you differently. I understand that letters from me to you, as in myself, do not come the same as they used to. Then again, nothing is the same as it used to be.
This is me.
Just saying.
This is a letter to “self” or, in other words, this is me talking to you so that I can keep an open line of communication because I need to believe. I have to.
Besides, I’d rather believe and trust the process or try and do something, rather than let the sands of time slip away, and do nothing so I lose everything.
I’m sorry.
I just can’t do that.
I can’t make my worst mistake twice.
But to be clear, I know that while this involves both you and I, we both know that this includes so much more. This means more than anything.
We both know this,
at least I do.
It’s strange to me, the way we live life or the way we change or move from one place to the next. It’s crazy, if you think about it.
Then again this is the way things are.
Crazy!
I understand that certain things can never go back to the way they were. Life does not lose its creases or the folds and the wrinkles in our face are proof that we lived.
And perhaps we lived too much.
Change happens. Life alters and we find ourselves at a new beginning.
I see this too and as I look over my shoulder, I think about the things that happened and the life I wished for.
I wonder about the things that could’ve been.
Nothing can go back to the way it was.
At the same time, I’m not so sure this is a bad thing.
Maybe life needs to be adjusted. Maybe the universe has been trying to make a correction and certain items, like you and I, or the way we live or breathe, and maybe the way we think needed to be changed or simply adjusted. Rather than see things as something tragic or final, perhaps this is something new.
And maybe this can be better.
Understand?
Maybe the world is waiting for us to acknowledge something before we set our sights on the next best thing. Maybe we have to circle around more, just to circle back, and realize that we already had everything we needed—we just overthought too much.
We freaked out too much and we fought too often for stupid reasons.
Meanwhile, no one wants to fight.
Not really . . .
It is not too crazy to think that we can have what we want.
Or even more, it is not too crazy to think that we can have it all.
And I know that I have never been one who saw the glass as “half-full” or saw everything in a positive light—and I know the effects this has on me, myself, and the people around us. I know that I have assumed the worst and predicted the slips and falls, or the worst-case scenarios. More so, I know that I have defied myself in the past by perpetuating my self-fulfilled prophecies.
I’ve put my foot in my mouth.
I went too far and said too much.
I fought the wrong people.
Yes, you bet.
I did this more than once.
But what if nothing is so bad?
What if we are destined for greatness?
What if the world has something in store for us that surpasses anything we ever dreamed?
Would this be so bad?
And –
Why is something like this so impossible?
I don’t think that anything is so ruined or broken or destroyed. However, and in all fairness to myself, or to you, or to anyone else in this crazy world; I do believe that there are times when we all need to heal, overcome, stop, breathe, and then reset ourselves to achieve the dreams or the goals at hand.
It is not too crazy to think that all of what took place was only a small part of a bigger or greater scene which, essentially, is all about the dream—only, in reality, the dream is even bigger or better because in the end, this is when our dreams come true.
I believe in this
I have to . . .
It is not too crazy to think that we deserve “the life.”
It is not beyond us to circle back and realize that, yes, the world is on our side and despite the craziness or the hard times and the rough patches, which is nothing more than life saying, “hey, not everything is going to come easy,” maybe all of this is nothing short of a precursor of what’s to come.
This is going to be great.
We are heading for the trip of all trips and a real life that goes beyond measure.
No matter where I go, or no matter what I see or experience, and no matter how high the waves may take me, I am only average or low at my best without you.
I know that life is filled with highs and lows, just like the tides that come in and out, which is the living proof of Mother Nature and how she breathes — in and out.
I have seen incredible things. I have felt life in my heart, and in my gut, I have felt the best and the worst. In the end, I know that somehow—no one can ever take me away or tempt me from my dream.
There are things, which are intended for us and only us.
I know this has to be true.
There are countless people out there in this world.
Wait, no, —
There are billions of people and perhaps there are more possibilities than there are people, which means the fact that I am here, and still here and the fact that I am still conscious of my heart and my dream, despite the flaws or the momentary distractions; somehow, the world has put me here, where I am—and somehow, the world has put me in your path as well.
Imagine the odds of something like this. Imagine how rare this is or valuable.
In fact, I do imagine this.
I think about the rarity of a gem and I imagine something this precious and yes, not even a flawless diamond, big as could be, could equal the value of a chance meeting, or an unplanned reintroduction, and somehow, the world leads us in ways that bring us right back to where we are supposed to be.
I am not always ready for the next step.
Come to think of it, I don’t always pay attention to the lessons at hand.
But, I am still here and I am still learning.
I’m still living, which means that I am alive and the possibilities are endless.
No one can change that or take this away from me.
No one can ever tell me something so terrible about myself that I will change me (for them) or make me think that fate doesn’t play a hand in this game.
And destiny?
I know destiny very well.
I might not always understand what destiny says or does. At the same time, in the end, I know that I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be—and as I stand at the threshold of my greatest dream—I know that I will smile and somehow, every ache or pain which happened, and every fight and every insult, and every wrong that took place will be as if it never happened.
I believe this, even if it’s a lie.
I still believe.
I am not so far from the answer.
Or maybe I am farther than, say, around the corner.
But I will never give up.
I know this.
I will always remember.
I will never surrender.
And in the end,
I know this will come to pass.
Life is going to happen.
And so will we.
Either that,
or I promise that I’ll love as much as I can
or die trying.
So help me, God.
The Written Addiction 