I understand when you tell me how you’ve waited for so long, or how you’ve waited for tomorrow to come, but then you woke up, just to realize that tomorrow never showed up.
At least, not the way you thought it would.
I understand what it means to make plans. I suppose we all do.
Everyone has a plan. We have hopes and dreams.
We have ideas and we have wants and needs.
I know what it means to have a hope or to have a dream and then somehow, or perhaps drastically, I understand the shock that comes when our plans change, or didn’t work out, or come true.
Life is always unexpected.
Know this.
Know this with all of your mind, heart, and soul.
Life changes. People change.
And another thing, our intentions will change.
However, we tend to forget that nothing is ever guaranteed. Not tomorrow. Not even today or the next five minutes. Everything is always subject to change.
This is life.
But who says that this is always a bad thing?
I understand this.
I understand that life does not happen the way we want it to. I understand that things are not always what we assumed or perceived them to be.
Life always has a choice.
I might not like this. I might not like my options and my choices might be unattractive, at times, but this is life. Sometimes, we have to go with the lesser of the two evils.
And hell, yes. Life can be evil.
People can be evil and hurtful. While people can claim that they never meant to be hurtful, be advised that when it becomes a choice of you being sad or them, they were their first choice.
(You weren’t even a close second)
People lie. They offer excuses.
Let this be their problem.
I have enough of my own.
My plate is full too, therefore, I have no time to look back at those who lied or those who chose to stay behind.
I have to move.
I have to change and adapt.
Otherwise, what’s the alternative?
Life is not easy. Then again, what is?
What happens to the easy subjects?
What happens with the simple lessons?
Do we even notice them?
Do we really pay attention?
Do we become so blind by the hopes for a bigger and better picture that we forget to note down the obvious? Hence, is this why we find ourselves looking back at the warning signs that we frequently ignored?
Do we take the simple things for granted?
Do we overlook and ignore too much?
I think so . . .
I understand the sentiment behind the saying of how, “ya don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
I can relate to extenuating circumstances and being unfortunately surprised by unexpected outcomes. Sure, I know what happens when I come to a moment of awareness.
I know what happens when my eyes open wide enough to see what’s in front of me.
Of course, I know.
I know what happens when my realization is delayed, or my attention was too lazy, and thus, I show up late, in a sense, and then I realize that perhaps I should have paid attention all along, or perhaps i should have said or done something about this when I had the chance.
I like the ideas which say to leave nothing unsaid or to leave no stone unturned.
I like the ideas that suggest that we should leave nothing open to the judges, that we need to be clear and concise, and to the best of our ability, we need to be sure that we have expressed ourselves—and we need to be honest and open and with regards to life or the plans we have, or when we think about the future, albeit in the short or the long-term, we cannot go gentle, we cannot fade or become faint, and by any means, we cannot allow our truths to lose their light.
We cannot allow our brightness to become so dim that we lose our value. And this happens too.
Especially when we find ourselves begging to be loved or loved in return.
We lose our light in the contrast in fear-based assumptions.
No, life is not intended to be cowardly.
Our job is not to live in fear, but to face our fears, despite the tragedies or the failures, despite the misses and the falls from grace; our position is not to be compromised by an internal weakness. We are not made to give in to an internal voice that disallows us the moment of truth which is to find our purpose, create a plan, and build our strategy to achieve our greatness.
“No one cares. Work harder.”
Life will change.
I have been told to pray. I have been told to ask The Great and The Almighty. And I do have my own system of belief—but what does a prayer do if there is no substance behind it?
How can I achieve my goals if I do not take the required steps to reach them?
I understand the word “no.”
I’ve been told “no” before.
I’ve asked for my dreams to come true.
I’ve prayed for them to happen.
I was told no.
Or, maybe I was told not yet because there is something better and more worthy of my attention.
Okay, then.
I’m ready for it . . .
Maybe my dreams did come true, only the light or my ideas were different. Maybe reality was not as pretty as the fantasy an inaccurate dream, or perhaps the light was dim when compared to the fantasy that sensationalized a false idea and left me wanting more.
Maybe what I had simply wasn’t enough nor could it because what I had was never true.
Perhaps my dreams were less than what I truly wanted so I settled for less because as someone who never thought I could reach a certain level, I allowed my dreams to become subpar.
Perhaps this way, I could keep from allowing myself the feeling of high hopes, and equally, I wouldn’t be disappointed when my dreams fell through or didn’t turn out as planned.
Life is going to change.
The rain can’t last forever, and yes, I know the sun is up there.
I know the next morning will come.
I know that time keeps on moving.
I know all of this.
I understand that not all changes are bad—and perhaps, if we choose, we can see this as something simple, like an unexpected alteration, and rather than lament or bitch and complain, we can see the changes ahead of us as a means to a greater good.
I understand what happens when the bottom drops out from beneath me.
I understand the sudden awareness or the moment of clarity when foolishness takes place. Yes, I understand what it means to be hurt or punished and worse, I understand what it’s like to believe so deeply in someone or something, only to find out, the truth is not what I thought it would be.
I know what it’s like to believe in lies, yet, I knew this was a lie and still, I found myself devastated.
Sure, I have been lied to. And yes, I’ve lied too.
Is there anyone who can claim that they’ve never lied?
I am human. I am imperfect.
I am honest in the sense that I recognize my faults and flaws yet I understand that I have to do something, as in, like, right now.
I cannot blame anyone anymore.
The finger points inward now.
I cannot allow myself to dwindle or fade, or to drift into the distance, as if to become something weak. I do not want to become like a timid shadow that eventually disappears, or like some fragile soul who never dared, never tried, or never took the steps to get back up after I’ve fallen.
Get up, is what I say.
Now is the time to make my life “mine” again.
No one should live under the thumb of someone else.
No one should have their life become overrun, outweighed, or fade to an idea of unimportance or become less important and hold others on a pedestal.
This is not how life is supposed to be.
Better yet, this is not how life is going to be.
No one should ever allow someone else the right to dictate or to determine the wealth of their life or their truth. Above all else, or in my case (or yours) no one has the right to dictate or determine the rites of our passage or the victories that come with success.
No one has the right to dictate or determine our happiness.
We have the right to choose to share this.
But no one has the right to hurt us or take our happiness away.
I dream.
Therefore, I am.
I feel.
Therefore, I want.
I aspire.
Therefore, I have to move.
I have to build.
I have to create, and sometimes, if need be, I have to destroy everything and rebuild from the beginning. Only this time, I am not starting from scratch, right?
Instead, I am starting with experience and starting over with the wherewithal, the knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. And more, I am starting with an improved vision and an understanding of what to look for and what things I need to refuse or accept.
I have never been one who could physically push myself.
I gave in to my own laziness.
I fell apart. However, now is the time for me to gather the pieces.
My laziness was both physical and spiritual. I looked for the easy fix or the quick answers. I looked for the cheaper thrill or the quickest gratification. But to what avail?
What did this do for me?
I forgot the work.
I forgot the effort it takes to make my dreams come true.
I cannot and will not ever say that I had the wrong dream.
I won’t even say that I had the wrong plan.
However, I will say that I chose the wrong execution.
Maybe I chose the wrong team.
Sometimes, I trusted the wrong people.
I failed to notice (or look at) the writing on the walls or see the warning signs.
But hey, life is our biggest teacher and the thing about teachers are if we do something wrong, we have to do the lesson again, until we get it right.
I think I have it right now.
There are times when I allowed my hope to blind me. I allowed my hope to blind me from the truths around me. I know this.
I know that there are times when I wanted something so badly, just because, and somehow, I believed that maybe my life would be better “if” things would only happen my way.
No.
This isn’t true.
I have come to an accepting realization that self-induced losses are somehow, and subconsciously moved in a way because deep down, we know that something was wrong.
We know that either the story wasn’t true, or the people and the players in our game were unfit, untrue, or living their own fantasy.
Meanwhile, everything is all fun and games until life becomes real and work becomes work.
This is when you see the truth about your surroundings.
Love is not a novelty. No, not at all.
Love is a living and breathing thing, and when the novelty of love wears off and love becomes an effort, or when we understand that love comes with the responsibility of work, effort, and change, it is clear that love is not accidental but instead, loves is intentional.
Therefore, there are some who pose and some who talk and there are those who work, who do, who stay the course, and yes, there are people in life who come along and show us the difference between truth and pretend.
No one is above mistakes.
No one is beyond the reach of pain and no one is above the consequences and the heartache or the pains that come with downfalls or disappointments.
Life will always happen to everybody.
And to each is their own.
The question is not about love or whether people can or will love again.
The question is not about pain or how much pain can one endure.
The question about life is not how we will interact with other people or if we will ever trust again, or in the mindset of moving forward, the only question that remains is this:
What am I going to do now?
What am I going to do to ensure my happiness?
How am I going to replace my thoughts with actions that support my next best level of awareness?
How am I going to test my endurance?
When am I going to allow myself to realize that not everything is “my fault.” Rather than blame myself at all, or rather than look for accountability, when will I allow myself the freedom to realize that something far better is on the way.
Yesterday is gone. . .
When am I going to allow myself the right to be a priority? Rather than live or regard the rest of the world or find myself in the imprisonment of codependency, what am I going to do now?
How am I going to improve?
When is my willingness going to become the priority so my actions can begin and yes, once my actions begin, how strong do I want to be?
How impenetrable can I become?
How unmovable?
How unbreakable?
How unbeatable is my heart and my will?
I want to start here because the day I choose to find myself and choose to answer these questions about me or my strength, or the day that I choose to ride the path of righteous improvement, I know that this is the same day that I will find myself on the road to a better existence.
No, nothing is guaranteed.
No one can promise forever.
No one can be anything and everything for you unless you can choose to be anything and everything for yourself.
I realize this now.
I have to go as follows:
Stop telling the world about your problems.
Stop shaking your fists at the sky.
Stop fighting the wars that no longer exist or never even existed in the first place. Above all else, stay out of your own goddamned mind.
Now is the time to create your escape.
Now is the time to push.
Now is the time to take that extra step, even if you’re too tired, or if you don’t want to or ‘feel” like it, now is the time to stop yourself from the shameful acts of quitting and allow your body the right to move forward.
Movement and action translate to thought and thought translates to feeling, which inspires and encourages the benefit of a better emotion.
It is simple. You can stay still.
You can drown in your own emotional quicksand.
Or you can move.
You can break out and choose to be free from your own imprisonment.
You can pardon yourself and create your next best exit.
You can advance. You can move ahead.
You don’t need to look behind you anymore.
And remember: Anyone who chose to stay in your past deserves that position—so let them stay there.
Now is the time to choose you.
Save your own life, today.
Don’t think about yesterday or allow yourself to drown in your own thoughts.
Free yourself by making a change.
Be glad that you walked away.
Be happy that you learned the truth about the people in your life.
Be grateful that you learned from them and be aware that no one deserves to be positioned over your head.
Life is going to hurt you.
Life is going to change.
Then again, life is like a fight—and sometimes, you’re at an advantage and others, you’re on your back.
However, if life is like a fight, then remember every opponent is going to offer you little gifts, which is your opening to advance or improve.
Your job is look for the window.
Look for the opportunity.
Look for the gifts and when you find them, grab them, hard, and use those gifts for everything they’re worth.
Don’t close your eyes now . . .
There’s a gift, right in front of you.
Choose that.
Choose to move forward because anyone who chose not to come with you, deserves their position to be without you.
Make your choice.
Choose your spot.
Don’t look back at the unworthy.
See the road ahead of you
(not behind).
Never forget that.
The Written Addiction 