I remember being told, “You have to give it away to keep it.”
I was younger then, much younger.
Maybe I was too young to understand this. Or maybe my head was someplace else, or perhaps I was too selfish to catch the irony.
Then again . . .
I suppose this can be true for a lot of things. However, the idea of giving it away to keep it was mainly tied to this thing we call sanity.
I remember hearing about the benefits of service and charity. I remember being told that if you feel bad about yourself or if you want to feel better, then it is important to replace thoughts with action.
I was told to do something for someone else. But don’t commercialize it. Don’t brag because then this is no longer charity. Now this becomes selfish. I was told that doing this makes it about “you” and thus, there is no purity behind the action. No, this just becomes something for the ego.
Rest assured, ego can kill the best of us.
I was told a low self-esteem can be improved by performing actions that form a better esteem. For example, or when we talk about giving something away to keep it, I go back to my memories of offering my time at the shelter or at the county jail.
I go back to the idea that this was not about “me” and making this about “me,” only feeds the ego or feeds the gluttonous idea of “the great I am,” and to be honest, no one is so great.
We are all a bunch of messed up, crazy kids, at least to some degree.
I never walked in the shelter or the jail as if to be someone who knew more than anyone else. However, I did approach this with an honest intention, to which the idea was simple.
I know where we are, so-to-speak, and I know that things are tough at the moment, but what can be done for us to improve?
I learned more from the people in these groups than they learned from me.
I know this for a fact.
There was never any payment for this service, at least nothing financial. No, I suppose there is no money when it comes to service and charity. Or, there’s not supposed to be.
Sure, this was tough. There were those who looked to take advantage of a free meal or those who were less kind and perhaps there are those who came to the groups as opportunists and people who looked to use other people’s kindness as a form of currency—and yes, there are selfish people in this world. There always has been and there always will be.
In fact, I call myself out on this and add myself to the list as well.
But this isn’t about me. Or at least it shouldn’t be because this has nothing to do with the ideas of service and charity.
I do miss the interactions and groups. I miss the people.
However, I’ve had to stop these services due to life changes and personal stress. At the same time, there is always time for service and charity.
There is always a good time to “give back,” and despite opinions or people, places, and things, or despite interpretation, or who is on my side, or who opposes, sometimes, it’s good to get back to the basics.
It’s good to sit with people just to create an open conversation or an open dialogue to which, people can share their experience, strength, and hope.
I cannot say what the future holds.
I don’t have a crystal ball and I’m not a fortune teller.
I don’t know what this month will look like, at this same time, next year.
All I know is I am like most other people in this world. I’m a traveler.
I am weary, at times. I am frightened. I am frustrated and mad. And I am still searching for that thing we call internal peace. But sometimes, peace is interrupted by drives on the expressway where traffic picks up and I grind my jaw or curse through my teeth.
There’s hope. I know it.
There are times when life is unfortunate and unfair.
There are bouts and days when enemies are at the gates. And there are times when it is hard to get up and move.
I was told that this is when it’s good to give it away.
I was told this is the time to do something better.
Replace negative thoughts with positive actions.
Otherwise, what’s the alternative?
I do not speak in groups as often as I used to nor do I have the opportunity to give presentations anymore.
I miss them.
I miss the options I worked on to create a place or build an environment that helps and supports people in times of need.
However, I do support the idea that service and charity can heal the broken heart.
I also support the notion that charity begins at home.
Self-care has to come first.
Therefore, it is important to realize the math and the science behind out mental health. It is even more important to understand that we are always the square root to our own equation.
We are like trees in the forest. We need our roots to be strong; otherwise, we can topple over and fall or die. Therefore, we have to care for our roots first.
I have been on a journey for a very long time. I have made wrong turns and poor choices. I overlooked the obvious and searched for things which were right there, and they were right in front of me the entire time.
I’ve been around the world and, in some cases, I’ve run the emotional marathons.
At the same time, I went nowhere.
I ran a million miles and went nowhere, if that makes sense.
I am human. The same as you.
No one has ever cornered the market when it comes to sanity. To be honest, aren’t we all a little crazy? At least, a little?
Is anyone so innocent?
I think that to better ourselves, perhaps there comes a time for an honest approach to a better sense of introspection.
I call myself out, frequently, and I openly admit to my imperfections.
I am honest about the fact that, yes, I’ve fucked up.
But who hasn’t?
Anyone?
Is anyone so pure that they can claim perfection?
I don’t think so.
I think that everyone needs a place to go. We all need a platform or somewhere to go where we can not only be heard but acknowledged and listened to.
Everyone has a voice, but not everyone is encouraged to use it.
Not everyone is comfortable enough to speak.
At the same time, it’s hard to open up or become vulnerable.
Not to mention, life is tough.
There are bouts that we will find and times which are painful and personal to the heart. There are times when we need to talk to someone, as in someone friendly; in which case, confidentiality is needed and anonymity needs to be secured.
I can say that not everyone keeps their promise to the question, “Can you keep a secret?”
I can say that as a person who used to participate in 12-step communities, the big selling point came with the word, “Anonymous.”
Despite the perfection and honest design behind the program, people are far from perfect. While I understand that we all have our bouts, we all have our moments of personal and interpersonal despair, no matter what, who, or where; I have to say that anonymity is not always anonymous and people are imperfect.
At this point, I figure that I need to begin my charity at home, which I have.
At the same time, it’s good to get out of yourself.
It’s good to give yourself away, just to keep sane, which is not to say that I’m not crazy or that I’m sane to begin with. I’m not sane at all.
I’m as crazy as anybody else, I suppose.
But I do have a trick or two that I’d like to pull. I’d like to say a few magic words to see some improvement. But the words never seem to come out right.
I tried saying, “Presto-change-o,” but that didn’t seem to work very well.
I’ll just keep moving, I guess.
In part, I have to move because I need to improve.
In part, I have to move because I cannot give way or allow myself to go down.
In part, I have to improve because the alternative is undesirable, but mainly, I need to improve to pull a trick. And who knows?
Maybe I can make this place around me, just one step better than it was yesterday.
Maybe . . .
But like I said to you the other day.
We are in the effort business.
Not the result business.
Remember?
It’s time for some action.
The Written Addiction 