Pulling a Trick- Entry Fifteen

I allow myself to look at the sky, east of course where the sun comes from.
I say this because this is where I am now and this is where I come from, the East coast, of course, as in New York, which is where I have always been.
I do not see myself back where you were, Hollywood or Los Angeles, or the long flights in business class, to which I wondered to myself, “Is this really me?”
I am not too far from you, my truthful and undisclosed sanctuary near the beaches at Point Lookout, or by the rocks at Jones Beach Inlet. I am keeping myself close to the vest or close to the heart, which is something I hold dearly, like a relic or piece of something so pure, like the dreams I have of an outgoing trip on my own boat, beautiful and big enough to take me far beyond where the world lives and deep in the ongoing sea.

I love the ocean.
I love this place of mine, which is kept in my heart, like an old folded note to remind me where my home is, which is where my heart is, which is here.

It is early, as usual, and the sky is still dark. The proof of morning will arrive soon enough with shades of color to signify that a new sun is on the way.
And dawn?
I love the dawn too.

Yes, dawn, the early lights of color, the new horizon and the moment of hopefulness, the smell of coffee from my trusty machine and the blue-light button, which I push to create the magic sounds like hot water pouring into my cup.
Ah, this is all part of a routine and a morning ritual which is now, and this moment with you.
I come here with my daily offering and a cup of coffee, doubled up, and added with an extra shot of espresso.

This is all part of my trick.
Oh, and by the way . . .
It is not uncommon to go a little crazy now and again. It is not uncommon to face adversity or to consider the outcomes and shake your head or shake your fist at the sky.
it is not uncommon to not be “okay”, or to find yourself at an impasse or a crossroads; or more to the point, it is not uncommon to look up at the heavens, remarking, “Why, God?”
“Why?”

But this?
This moment right here.
This moment is poetic,
at least it is to me.

This is therapeutic or cathartic and yes, I have added and splashed this moment with a delicate sound of music in the background. I have the sound of my air-conditioner hushing with the noise of forced air to move about my little space.
This is my space in the world or my little corner. Although this place is small, this is otherwise known as my apartment or place in the world.
This is my spot—as in, right here, small, good, bad or otherwise. Either way, this is my place of rest, or a place where I can kick back or rethink, or reconvene. I can come and go as I please and again, although small, I can come here to recuperate and relax.
I can cook, sit, eat, rest or pray — if the mood strikes.
And yes, I said pray.
But wait, before I go on, I’d like to revel something.
If I may …

I am reveling the secrets of my crafts or the tricks of my trade.
Or in this case, I am doing what no other magician does, which is reveal the secrets to you of how their magic is done. Then again, I don’t believe this is a secret—at least not anymore. Besides, what secret is there?
Are there any secrets?
As a matter of fact, can anyone keep a secret, including us?

Either way, my point is I am revealing this little trick of mine, which I hear that no magician is supposed to do. However, this is not so much of a secret anymore.
No, this is how I survive. This is a visual recording of life as I see it or know it. This is also how I learn to maneuver or navigate my way through this thing which we call everyday life.

I have been talking a lot about the different concepts of God.
I have been sifting through my own ideas and my own belief system and thinking about the need to find something that helps create a sense of inner-peace.
I have been challenged by this throughout my entire life. Not because of the different exposures to religion or the different disagreements I have about manmade things, such as rules which come from the voice of a book that was written and re-written by man, and changed throughout the millenniums.

This is not about god as much as it is about me or my need to find a path or the light so that I can still see when life decided to go dark.

Besides, I stay away from talks about religion. I stay away from this the same as I stay away from conversations about politics because like God or like the manmade concepts of religion, I see political parties have become the new gods of our time.
Hence, who you vote for is similar to whom you worship or pray to, and if history reveals anything about our past, wars and fights and hatred have all come from arguments over who’s God is right or better or who’s political party is right. Hence, same as there are religions who say that if you do not submit or turn your will and your life and accept their Lord as your Savior, hell is coming for you; there are voters out there who vote and believe and accuse with the same dedication.

If you pray to the wrong God,
you burn in hell.
If you vote for or support the wrong political god —
You pay for it through the obliteration of your soul on social media or in the break rooms at work.

And, so—
This is why I never talk about politics. I do not talk about God or religion nor can I stand when someone quotes scriptures, either inaccurately, or how they turn the meaning of something righteous into something that coincides or serves their purpose.
But, if there is truth to the Bible, and if there is truth to the word, which is there is only one truth—it baffles me how people add their spin to these truths, which only turn them into an opinion—and as we all know, opinions, interpretation, and perception are not always true.
They’re only true to the person.
My truth is not yours.
Your truths are not mine,
or haven’t we already noticed this?

I understand all too well about the subjective world, which is also known as my world or as it stands; this is my point of view. I am more aware that I am neither an authority nor right, nor am I able to corner the market on redemption or salvation.
But in the end, I just want peace.
I’m sure that I’m not the only one.

However, peace is a trick.
Peace comes with a price.
Peace is far from free and without effort, or without daily maintenance and personal growth, peace can lose its roots to the weeds of our surrounding life.
Peace takes work.
Sometimes, the work is far from peaceful.

But remember — nothing comes without risk or sacrifice.
Nothing happens without an offering, or without the act of giving, regardless of what comes back in return—or even if nothing returns, nothing happens without the acts of hope, self-care, and an honest introspection.
Bad things happen.
We will all do bad things. We will all make horrible mistakes.
This is all part of an unavoidable path called life.
Nothing happens without truth from the heart and from the hand—and no, this is far from easy.
Life cannot be lived in a vacuum.
No one said vulnerability is comfortable.

No one ever came along and said risks are safe.
No one will tell you this. Not even once.
No one ever expected the world to fall out from under them and no one expects breakups, or life to drift apart. No one counts on the heartaches, pain, loss, or the daily mishaps and betrayals.
And let’s be clear about this.
Even those who say they never did anything wrong or anything to contribute, I would ask, did you ask, did you listen, and were you told that hey, I’m not doing well and something isn’t right here?

I hold myself accountable for all of my wrongs and mistakes, both the major and the minor ones.
I am no guru or better.
I am just as crazy as the next person.
I talk to myself, by the way.
I have long conversations too.
I’ve fought with myself and yes, I’ve lost some of those arguments as well.
So, am I really crazy?
Or am I just human?
(Or an asshole, depending upon the point of view.)

Let’s be honest together.
No one among us is so great or so perfect that they have not committed the sins of all the above.
No one can say that their agenda never got in the way and overlooked someone’s thoughts, wants or dreams, or feelings and emotions.
No one can say they haven’t had their share of wrongs or in the case of our mutual or interpersonal lives, no one can say that it doesn’t take two people to make things work, or at least at minimum, it takes mutually working parts to keep a machine going. In the case of life, it takes two—especially when it comes to the subject of love.

Even unconditional love comes with conditions. I know this is true because like any living, breathing thing, love needs our basic care to live and breathe—hence, without breath, love can choke, or lose to an internal form of strangulation; hence, even unconditional love can die from strangulation — that is, if we are not careful.

It is funny to me how we are all grown, at least mostly.
No one is a child anymore. At least not here between us.
We are childlike, maybe.
I am immature. Yes, and I mean this wholeheartedly.
But not all immature things are so terrible.

Are they?
Like, take my childish sense of humor, for example, or the kid-like need for simple mischief, as if to do something so silly in public, like let out a high-pitched bark in a crowd and act like it wasn’t me, just because, or just to be a kid again and to see who jumps.
Yes, this is me.
Is that so bad?

It is funny to me how we have all grown. We all know what we want out of life. We all understand the challenges that happen with everyday living. By now, we have learned a few tricks to avoid or to alleviate the stress or the pressures around us.
At the same time, I have no idea why people who love each other fight as much as they do.
I have no idea why love falls apart.
Well, at least, not really.

I understand this from an intellectual perspective. I understand this from an adult’s point of view; however, there is another level of me. This is the kid within me.
The kid inside of me is confused or hurt or like a child who found out they’re not going outside to play, or they lost their best friend or got bullied at school for being different.
There is a kid in me who looks at loss as if it is so horrible, like a fishing trip that never happened when it was supposed to or to me, the loss is as if I broke my one-and-only favorite toy.
These are the dilemmas from the emotional brain.
There is the emotional and childish side of me which does not understand nor condone or accept the fact that life changes. Things break. People hurt themselves as well as each other.
At the same time, no one wants this.
But still life happens.

Let’s go back to God for a second . . .
I was told that there is a loving God. I was told to “find Him now” and that if I do not find The Father, or The Son, or The Holy Spirit, then I would find myself in the pits of hell suffering for all of eternity.

Everyone has a need to be right. Everyone has their belief system and to question or to hear an outside belief would almost condemn or disprove someone’s beliefs; as if their God was only a lie.
No one wants that.
So, we fight the same as we fight over presidential candidates.
My party has to be right; therefore, your party has to be wrong.
(Am I right?)
As for God or the punishments of God —
I am sorry.
If God is The Father, then . . .
I’m not so sure that as a parent, if my child disobeyed me or went astray, or walked away and found their own life or their own beliefs that defied me; I don’t think that I would punish them by burning them in lakes of fire for all eternity.
At least, not if I am a loving father.
In comparison, I fail in comparison to a Loving God, so,
I don’t go to the punishment side anymore.
I see this as a manmade idea of how to keep people in line.
Tell them God doesn’t like it, and maybe they’ll stop.
But if this is just a trick, with all the wars and bullshit fighting, I don’t think that trick worked so well.

I have heard people tell me about their God or religion and their truths and practices. I don’t mind this. I think truth comes from every direction.
By the way, as far as politics, I think a bird needs two wings to fly.
However, as far as my country is concerned, it might appear as if both the right wing and the left are broken for now.
I have listened to people tell me about the reasons why I might not be accepted into The Kingdom of Heaven.
I always say the same thing.
“I wasn’t aware that you were gonna be at the gates accepting tickets.”
I have heard people tell me about my politics too and how I am wrong.
But, am I?

However, just like love, just like peace, and just like relationships and how we all want love and peace to last as long as possible; we somehow fail to get along or we move to judgment, or we fail to see our part in why something did or didn’t work.
I don’t think anyone has a handle on love, life, God or any of these tricks.
But, I am open to hearing from all sides.
I might not agree.
But I am willing to learn.

Yes, this is life.

I swear, all one can do is try to find their trick.
All anyone can do is look to improve their crafts and skills. Talk more. Love more. Try harder. Stop fighting. Start understanding the failures within.
Don’t argue beliefs.
Accept that others believe differently.
Practice tolerance and acceptance.
But I get it, this is a process.

Start realizing that pushing people away can (and will) only train them to learn how to live without you—and like I said, even unconditional love has conditions to survive.
Yelling can kill the spirit of people and so can mean spirited words or passive/aggressive tactics.
These are the weeds that kill the blossoms of beautiful things.
This doesn’t mean that love dies, at least not unconditional love.
It just changes.
This doesn’t mean burning in lakes of fire.
Not at all.
More often, however, this only means that to survive, love becomes distant and to keep our sanity, or to keep from being hurt again—love will always love you, but sometimes, love can only love you best when love is loving you from a distance.

Understand?

I am not so great nor am I anywhere near perfect.
I am flawed. I have secrets and sins and personal humiliations.
Yes, I do.
I am just as messed up as anyone else in this world. However, I am well aware that I am not fit to accept tickets at the Gates of Heaven.
Then again, I am not trying to sell anyone on an easier way to find redemption.
I’m not selling tickets to find salvation.
I’m not selling anything, to be honest.
Not even me.
(At least, not anymore.)

I do not act better or pretend to be sin-free or above anyone else.
No, maybe I am below most.
At the same time, I want peace too.
Simply put, maybe there are challenges.
Maybe there are people who don’t like me. Of course, there are.
By the way, there are people who don’t like you as well.
So?
Maybe there are those who pray to a higher or lesser god, and maybe there are people who live with different political views. But, so what?

There is no law which states we have to agree. There are no laws that say love will always conquer all or last forever—but, if love can last forever or outlast everything and withstand all it takes; I have learned more about myself to know that love can only live when love is cared for like a living, breathing thing.
This cannot live in a vacuum either.

No one needs to blame anyone anymore or point fingers and attach fault or think about why things go the way they do.
I do believe in the ability of faith.
I understand the necessity of an honest and constructive conclusion at the end of the day.

Sometimes, you have to beat your chest and say, “ya know what? This one was on me!”
And then you keep going.

I do believe that some flowers blossom later and last longer and some bloom quickly and fade before the sun goes down.
Maybe there is a method to the madness or maybe there is no rhyme nor reason.

Either way, I come here to set up my trick for the day.
This is my secret.
Then again, you already knew that.
Or as far as I’m concerned, you know everything about me by now.

Is that good?
Is this safe?
Am I setting myself up?
I don’t know the answer to this.
But—
I do know that if I never try or if I never dare or take a risk, I’ll never find myself at the threshold of my dream, happy, and exactly where I have always wanted to be.

God or not, I can’t do any of this without effort.