Perhaps the best advice I’ve ever been given is the same advice that I fail to listen to.
I suppose this is how it goes with good advice.
“Stay out of your own way.”
I swear this is great advice.
Stop digging the hole deeper.
Sure, we all know what to do. We know about the right things and we know when we should stop or change our direction.
Of course, we know this.
We’re not stupid.
We’re emotional.
Most times, we find ourselves digging a hole, and the deeper we go, the harder the dig to get out.
But to what avail? We are counter-productive.
As much as we want something, we find ourselves spinning in a different direction.
I swear there are times when I am stuck, like being on a bad ride at some crazy theme park.
There’s no way out and the ride has just begun.
All I can do is buckle up and wait for the ride to come to a complete stop. Then it’s too late.
The damage is done. The aftermath is all around and seemingly destroyed, so I assume there is no way to repair or to recover. Then, the hole gets even deeper.
It never occurs to us to stop digging.
Stop making matters worse.
Or like it was suggested, “Stay out of your own way!”
Of course, this is great advice.
Don’t make matters worse.
Let sleeping dogs lie. We don’t have to talk about everything nor do we have to keep talking to rehash or reopen wounds. Of course, I know all about this.
We all do, at least we know about this from an intellectual standpoint.
I am aware of myself.
I can say this on good days. This is when my mindfulness is at its best. I am aware of myself and aware of my surroundings. I can listen clearly and accept what I am told. I am not hurt by information or taking everything personally.
However, the mind is a crazy place. Thoughts can mislead or deceive us into believing made-up scenarios or worst-case fears.
Our thinking can cause us to believe things which are not true, except in our minds. Therefore, the worry machine starts to unravel and, again, we start to misfire or lose control.
Let me keep this on me.
These are my flaws and my imperfections. Therefore, let me expose this from my perspective. However, and obviously, you are welcome to relate.
My thoughts can be my worst enemy. My thoughts can lead me to wars that do not exist, or need to.
I know this because I do this often.
I can say that I have talked my way out of amazing opportunities. I have psyched myself out of the game, so-to-speak. And I have done this more than once.
I have talked my way into panic. I have created anxious ideas of anticipation, and assisted with my worst fears becoming true. I have built the walls of my worst anticipations, brick by brick, and to the point where the exhaustion caused me to believe that my thoughts were true and that the worst already happened, even if it didn’t.
I have talked about this when I journaled about being “Inside the Thought Machine.”
This is something for me to consider.
I understand why things happen or why things went wrong. I understand that there is more than one side of the equation, especially when it comes to us as people.
I understand and fully support the notion that there are three sides to every story.
My side. Your side.
And then there’s the truth.
I understand that the truth is not synonymous with opinion or perception.
I understand that we see things differently, and that we have different sides and different concerns. We have different fears, and perhaps we have similar ones.
In the case of “us” or when it comes to the way people connect with each other — I understand that there will always be an outside perspective and a side that has no attachment to outcome or emotion.
I get this.
Perhaps this might be why we hate hearing the outside options or when people say things like “Just let it go.”
Really?
You mean, it’s that simple?
Maybe it is that simple to “just” let it go. However, items of the heart and resentments, hurt, pain, or when it comes to rejection, or the ideas of rejection, or when it comes to us and our emotion, there will always be a need to understand or find accountability for our discomfort.
Sometimes the answer is on us.
Sometimes we are the source of our own sadness.
And sometimes we have to learn to stay out of our own way.
I understand there will be opinions and suggestions, and I also understand there will always be someone who looks to say, “You have to let that go.”
I believe that this is a choice. However, this is not always an easy choice to make.
What if we don’t want to quit?
What if we don’t want to let go?
What if we are facing a disappointment that is worthy and worthwhile enough for us to come up with a plan to hold tight, and never give up?
I understand that this will entail pain and endurance and a need to find a means to overcome the hard times. But what if this is really worth it?
(This is what I tell myself, which is why I’m holding on!)
What if a piece of us is missing and we don’t want to feel empty anymore?
Do we let that go?
What if a piece of us is missing and we do not want to allow the other half to go missing, or unmet?
What if we want to create our life and make this happy?
I can’t say let it go anymore.
But I can say that there needs to be a clear plan and, above all, I can say that we have to stay out of our own way if we want this to work, or for us to be successful.
“You have to stop beating yourself up,” is another suggestion that comes often. Or there will always be someone with a suggestion when, meanwhile, they have no emotional attachment. They don’t feel what you feel and, at best, their offer minimizes the pain or the struggle that you live with or go through.
Rather than let it go or rather than don’t beat yourself up, what would it look like if f we came up with a plan to create a better process.
Everyone knows that we shouldn’t beat ourselves up.
But we do . . .
However, I am fully aware that people love to give advice. However, they fail to follow their own advice, and when reminded the answer is something like, “Yeah, but this is different.”
No, it’s not so different.
The only difference is the pain is theirs and not yours, which is when they open up to realize that advice is easier said than done.
It is true that no one has ever calmed down by being told to calm down.
It is also true that an outsider can come along with an outsider’s perspective, and at the same time, feelings are feelings, thoughts are thoughts, and emotions are emotions.
If you don’t know . . . you don’t know.
So don’t act like you do.
I say this, but I make the same mistake.
I am passionate. I am far too sensitive.
I am afraid.
I have been trying to pull a trick and act like I am tough when, in fairness, I am not tough.
Not at all.
I have panic attacks.
I live with social and general anxiety disorders. I have lived with medicated resistant depression for as long as I can remember. I have tried mood stabilizers, and different medications, which only served to make things worse.
I had learning disabilities that went untreated and as a result, I am someone who had to learn on my own. I had to find ways to relate to information so that I could retain what I learned.
I have social and emotional intimidations that are crippling to me.
For example, the same as I had to find ways to stop stuttering when I would read out loud, or the same as I had to learn how to push myself to get up in the morning, no matter what or how bad or depressed I might feel, and no matter what was going on around me, the same as I had to train myself to get out of bed when I couldn’t stand on my own two feet, I had to train myself on how to live.
This doesn’t mean that I had to train myself properly nor does this mean that I was a fit teacher, but in the case of Me vs Myself, I had to find a semblance of sanity, or a way to get out of bed in the morning.
No, this is not the answer on how to find happiness nor is this the basis of my trick.
I get in my way all the time.
I think too much. I allow myself to go down the unfortunate spiral of bad ideas and I worry too much.
I worry that I am not enough or that I am not worthy, or that I am going to be left out, or abandoned, unchosen, or hurt and, of course, my ultimate worry is that I will always be rejected and essentially homeless, regardless of where I live.
I know what I see. Then again, I understand that vision can be blurred by emotional thinking.
I understand that perception is not truth.
At the same time, the trick is to learn how to be mindful of this. The trick is to learn how to accept social or personal cues or to learn how to quit while you’re ahead.
In other words, stay out of your own way.
The trick is to not allow thoughts or assumptions to become reality.
So, rather than feed the self-fulfilled prophecies, the trick is to stop our thinking in their tracks and to redirect them or change them into something useful or beneficial.
I don’t want to think myself out of happiness nor does anyone else.
But we do it.
I don’t want to think my way into failure either nor does anyone else.
At this point, I have made the decision that I want to be happy.
I want to enjoy life. I want to live and love and laugh and learn.
I want to see things. I want to go places.
I want to enjoy what comes, and as for the unenjoyable items that come with everyday life, I want to be mindful enough to realize that fears and worries do not have to be true.
And sure . . .
I admit that this is one hell of a trick.
But that’s why I come here.
And that’s what this journal is about.
- To stay out of my own way
- To overcome what took me down
- To be happy
- To live a good life
- To get through the troubled waters
and to be together
(forever)
with you ~
The Written Addiction 