I like to feel good.
Don’t you?
I like the idea of something strong enough to come along and stop the anxiety or quiet the stress in my head.
I like the idea of something that can counteract or reverse the tides, and when things are to heavy, we can take a dose, and just like that, the world can become easy. We can become right again.
Of course, I like this idea.
Who wouldn’t?
There are typical ways that people can do this. And sure, there are the obvious routes which are common and known by all. There are the tonics and marketed cures with names like Southern Comfort.
You can have a drink. You can take a pill. And the list can go on.
I have been searching for something helpful. My options and intentions are far different from someone looking to catch a fix or take a dose for a quick high.
I have been looking for something that is intoxicating and euphoric. However, as we all know, everything comes with a price.
My aims to find something euphoric are different from my younger years. I am not looking to lose myself in some embryonic or emotional cocoon. I am not looking to euthanize myself, one brain cell at a time and certainly, I am not looking to compromise myself. I do not want to contradict myself either, but my search is not the same as when I was on the hunt for a chemical that came with unfortunate ends.
No.
I do not support the notion that there is only one kind of euphoria. I have seen proof that we can find euphoria without some name-brand cure or a chemical intervention.
I do believe there are highs and lows. Further, I own the idea that I am responsible for feeling better when I am down or at my worst.
There is a way out.
There has to be.
Otherwise, what’s the point?
I do not give in to the justified reasons or the excuses which, of course, I have plenty of them and so do you. I do not permit the ideas that “it’s okay” to go down the dark roads or the hopeless ones.
I do not support that drugs are the only remedy nor do I support that drugs and all chemicals are the only way to feel high.
No.
I do believe in the rush of accomplishment. I believe in the benefit of action. At the same time, I believe that doubt and the fear that everything is ruined or that everything will be worse can lead us to the brink of personal self-destruction.
I believe that no one can drive us crazy like we can.
In that case, we tend to look for an answer or something to make us feel better.
I think food can be a drug.
I think work can be a drug.
I think gambling, sex, and spending money can hit the pleasure receptors. In fact, I know this particularly well. Need proof?
Ask anyone about their online shopping accounts.
Think about the quick highs and the instant means of gratification that comes when we buy something.
While the highs can be temporary and sometimes equally degrading and useless, I believe that people can be a drug as well—in which case, sometimes, the high runs out or the effect is not the same.
People lose their affect or we fear that we might not be “as needed”, or as wanted and essentially, we worry that the high or the validation can run out.
I do believe it is possible to be addicted to someone. Or as I think of it, we can become addicted to anything.
I believe that we can become stolen and lost, and we can be held captive, or become a prisoner to a person, place, or thing.
I believe that love can be addicting, even if love is not love at all, and in the end, all we do is chase the high or the fantasy and the feeling (or the idea) of something that we believed would make us happy or make us whole again.
I can see this.
I can understand what it’s like to be in the presence of someone, or feel high around them. I can understand the idea which leads us to believe that we are the only people in the world.
Nothing and no one else exists.
Nothing else is important.
I can relate to being in the moment and forgetting life around me or the responsibilities at hand. As for the crash, the crash is the loneliness. The crash is the fear and worry that perhaps I am alone with how I feel, and the other side is not mutual or equal. Then what?
One would argue that the rational mind would take over and lift us from this depth of despair. But rational thinking and emotional thinking are not the same.
Intellectually, we understand that our thoughts can run away from us.
Emotionally, we are afraid that people will run away from us, or leave us alone, or reject us. Hence, in the end, we will be refused and left out.
I can relate to the fear of not being enough, or living in the worry that one day, I will be seen, and on that day, I will be rejected or refused, or seen as undesirable.
This is the challenge of emotional thinking.
However, I can see how this applies to life both in and outside of the bedroom. I can see how people who have leadership roles decide to grace us with their presence and, for the moment, there is an idea that we are “in” or accepted. We are part of the club now . . .
I compare this with the equivalence of paying for sex, or to have the quick rush of attention that was paid for and caused us to compromise our integrity. As soon as the dance is over, or the meeting in this case is through, I can see how people take on the foolish ideas about how they sold themselves out, just for a moment of attention.
It has always amazed me how people can be addicted to bad relationships. It amazes me how people can stay somewhere, even if their heart is somewhere else. Yes, I can understand that life changes and so do feelings. I can admit to my own bouts of indecision or the confusion of what to do next.
I have been caught up in bouts of what to say or how to make a change.
Of course, I can understand this.
I’m sure we all can.
There are times when we live with doubt and times when we find that something is missing.
Our needs are not met. We do not appear to be valued or wanted.
We want to fill that void, but we don’t know how.
We want to be noticed and celebrated, but at the same time, the life we have is less than celebratory. Thus, we find ourselves in lonely occasions and wishing for something more.
I want to be wanted and loved and needed.
Of course, I do.
I want to believe that I am enough.
I want to believe that I am good despite my faults.
I want to be acknowledged. I want to be validated.
I want to be swept away and yes, I want to rid myself of the anxieties that plague my thinking.
Who doesn’t want a cure like this?
More than the need to find relief or feel better is the need to understand the trauma and the bonds which hold us back. These are the ideas, thoughts, feelings and the biased assumptions that lead us astray. This is how we do ourselves wrong.
I understand the need to find balance the same as I understand that life can be thrown off-kilter. We can find ourselves down and out. We can feel lonely in crowds. We can be like a stranger around familiar faces and yes, there are times when it seems as if we are an alien on our home ground.
This is not about anyone else. This has nothing to do with other people. At the same time, I relate to the confusion, but I see this clearly now.
I can see how our belief system needs to change. I can see why putting our happiness in someone else’s hands can be codependent and, at best, I can see how this can come back unrewarding.
If I am to be free then I am the one who has to free myself.
Therefore, I am free to define me in any way I choose.
I can go and come back. I can change my mind.
I can find my freedom in any way I choose; but more, I can choose to replace my thoughts with actions.
I can do something. I can go.
I can allow myself to work.
I can celebrate myself and let this be enough to validate me.
I can look within to find balance instead of using an external source.
I can decide to rewrite the hijacked narrative of my miswired and inaccurate thinking.
I can make a switch.
I can do things of value to add value to my self-esteem. While I grant this is tough in the beginning, I can say the results are worth it.
There are times when I don’t want to get out of bed. And there are times when I don’t want to exercise or go to the gym.
But I push myself.
I wish I could eat anything I want — and sometimes I do.
But no matter what, if I am down then I have to do something to feel up again.
I can’t live in depression or allow myself to succumb to my anxious thinking.
I can’t live with the doubtful narrative and wait for the next thing to go wrong. Even if something does go wrong, I have to perfect my art of continuing to get up, no matter what.
I will never tell anyone that I am a saint.
I am no angel, and I am definitely not a boy scout.
I am imperfect, and I am currently working on finding my high through the process of improvement.
No one is going to save your life for you.
No one can do this for me either.
We both get this by now.
(At least I hope so.)
I do not blame anyone for wanting to feel high.
I want to feel high too.
I just want to find the highs that are less degrading. So, in my search for a life-long euphoria, I want to find the high that rewards me most by staying with me the longest, especially when I am high the least.
There are many ways to feel good.
And not all of them are so bad.
Some of them are lifesaving.
I know this for sure.
People, places, and things
The right ones can do great things.
As it is, we already know about the wrong ones.
Right?
The Written Addiction 