I suppose I have always wanted to be this way. As in, the way I am now or the way I am here, when I am alone or here with you. I never wanted to be tough or to be so brave or brazen or as if to walk or be without shame.
Besides, who is brave? Or what is bravery anyway?
I never wanted to walk as if I were a force to be reckoned with or as if I had to walk with a lean or slant to show that I am trigger capable and battle proven.
Yes, I have scars. Some are visible and some are invisible or undetectable to others or unseeable to the blind eye.
Monthly Archives: November 2024
Finding My Euphoria – A Little History
Who wants to be common? Who wants to be plain? Or who wants to be ordinary with nothing about you to stand out or to be bright or noticeable?
Who wants to be boring or humdrum? Who wants to be unwanted to the point where your life is about as interesting as a mandatory continuing education class at work.
Or who wants to be as much fun as an insurance seminar?
I can say this because I have been witness to both. So I can say this with authority—no one wants to be plain or tasteless. Nobody wants to be bland. We all want to have something. We want to have our own spice or flavor. I know I do.
We want to be noticed and wanted and more than just included, we want to be valued and desired. Or again, at least I do.
Finding My Euphoria – In The Beginning . . .
Ah, youth. Or should I say rebellious youth?
Or maybe I should call this my crazy youth or the wild times, or wild as ever, at least they were to me, or so they seemed.
I was young once. This might have been a long time ago or another lifetime. Or maybe this was another person or, to me, I sometimes view my youth as if it were a movie that played in a strange movie house. I was like a patron to the theater and living in a neighborhood that seemed as if it were in a storybook somewhere.
Finding My Euphoria – Introduction
I have been searching for something for so long. This is an answer and a solution. But also, I have been searching for a remedy. I have been looking for a response to an otherwise sense of being.
I want something “more.”
I want something better.
I want to feel . . .
This is more than a great escape, by the way. This is more than a feeling of momentary bliss or an answer to an unbalanced life or imperfect chemistry.
I mention both the imbalance and imperfection of our chemistry with a great purpose. However, as a person who identifies with different challenges that range from depression to anxiety, I realize that I am no different nor am I as challenged as certain diagnosis or professional labels have led me to believe.
Pulling a Trick – The Final Entry
I have been thinking of a word that escapes me. However, there are times when this word comforts me, depending upon moments in my life. I am thinking about the word euphoria or how this exists in the mind and the body.
I have felt this way.
I can swear to this.
I think this is more than just physical. I think this means to be orgasmic or to be intoxicated, as if to be flooded by a brand of something so joyful and gentle, or rapturous and delightful that all pain is numbed and everything heavy has been reversed by gravity. Thus, we are weightless as ever, like a feather drifting in the sky.
I want to explore what it means to feel this overwhelmed, deep within, or what it means to be high, as in euphoric, which is not limited to the synthetic or the chemical phenomenon that pushes through the veins. No, this is more than something cooked in a lab and stronger than something that causes a habit which blinds us to the surrounding world.
Continue readingPulling a Trick – Entry Thirty Four
I have decided to switch the format, at least for today.
I am not here to talk about tricks of the trade or secrets or anything of the sort. No, I think now is a good time for revelation and to openly share my sentients from the heart.
I am a fan of this world. I am a fan of life. However, there are times when life is either lifeless or tough or too much to consider.
There are times when faith is tested and our endurance is on trial. Our hope and faith are tough to maintain.
Yet, somehow, there is still light.
There is still the sunrise. There will always be the case of moonlight, which comes through my curtains after midnight and turns my room into a shade of electric blue.
Pulling a Trick – Entry Thirty Three
Perhaps the best advice I’ve ever been given is the same advice that I fail to listen to.
I suppose this is how it goes with good advice.
“Stay out of your own way.”
I swear this is great advice.
Stop digging the hole deeper.
Sure, we all know what to do. We know about the right things and we know when we should stop or change our direction.
Of course, we know this.
We’re not stupid.
We’re emotional.
Pulling a Trick – Entry Thirty Two
Find what you love. Find your purpose.
Or find your reason. Find whatever makes sense to you and let this be the wind in your sails.
Let this take you around the world and back again.
Find your love. Find your hate.
Find everything in-between and let this mean something to you.
Make no excuses but don’t be afraid to learn or make mistakes.
Don’t be afraid of the bumps and bruises.
Don’t worry about the falls and the mishaps or unexpected hurdles.
Pulling a Trick – Entry Thirty One
You have to let go, or so they tell us.
Stop holding the things that weigh you down or drive you crazy.
I know this sounds easy. It sounds simple.
Right?
But the human mind is simple in a different way.
Maybe I’m smart or maybe I’m not so smart.
Or maybe I’m too smart for my own good and it would be easier if I knew less, or should I say, if I remember less . . .
Let go.
Pulling a Trick – Entry Thirty
There has to be a way for us to get around this. Not just life. Not just the past or what’s taken place. Not just the people, places, or things that could drive someone crazy enough to lose their mind.
No, I mean this in more ways than one.
Besides, I lose my mind all the time, at least once a day. And sometimes more.
But who says losing your mind is a bad thing?
The Written Addiction 