There has to be something.
You know?
There has to be a way, or an exit, or some kind of porthole that leads us to a brief station in time where all is fine and tension disappears.
Maybe there’s a way to extend this. Or maybe we can find out how to recreate life to become something more than what it is (or what it was) and maybe this is the high of all highs.
There has to be something more than just momentary, or something poetic, or something that can take us away, as if to be set adrift in the gentle tides of something weightless or pleasurable to the point where the body is at ease and the mind can find peace. This is what I want.
I want to find that great place or that center, or find balance so that all that was wrong can be nonexistent or at least gone for a while.
There has to be a way.
I need this. I need to find a course, or learn how to navigate my way to a place of peace. I want to find my heaven on earth and create a version of something so pure, to calm the riots within, to broker a truce between me and my enemies, both foreign and domestic. With all of my heart, I want to recreate my life and choose a plan that satisfies the angst, like putting a child to sleep, and resting the baby after a life of unrest.
I need a beacon, a light, or a sign to show me the away. I want to find this way of living and brand this for myself.
I want to find the match and the ingredients it would take to find bliss without the tax or tariffs that become too costly in the long run.
I want more than just a short blast of adrenaline. I want more than the quick fixes that otherwise dig the hole of despair or desperation deeper.
I am familiar with these quick fixes. All too well.
They only work in short spurts of time, which only help until the half life begins to crumble or turn inward. Then, all you can do is get high to the point where you’re not euphoric anymore.
The infinite highs become more than just finite, and, at best, all you can do is try to climb from the hole. You try and you run, and you look or you hide, but there is no way to hide from yourself, or your truth and all you can do is negotiate a quick fix that lasts enough so that you’re not down in the hole as much. All you can do is try hard enough to keep from sinking or drowning in the thin air of your own hopeless life.
These highs are all too easily found and too easy to lose or become lost in the found hourglass that wastes the sands of time.
We all need something.
Everyone needs something to blow off the steam from an unwanted day.
Or at least, I do.
We all need an act, or a method, or something that can either stop the madness or allow us to be mad enough to scream or go crazy.
I know there are quick ways to make this happen. I know this can come in pill form, or this can be found in a drink, or in different ways that lead to the ultimate rush.
But I want more.
I want something more than just a momentary brand of freedom. I want something more than a brief glimpse of something heavenly.
I want something that comes without headaches or hangovers, and yes, maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe I’m crazy.
Maybe I am. And maybe there are professional minds who will agree.
Well?
Then so be it.
Let me be crazy.
I’m fine to be out of my mind or to be too much of a dreamer. Either way, I understand that reality is always around the corner.
I know this all too well.
Maybe I should keep this brief or say nothing at all because perhaps I am preaching to deaf ears. Or perhaps I can say the truth of the matter is nobody cares.
No one wants to listen or hear about the outpour from someone like me, or maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe there is a way.
Maybe there’s always been a way, and I was too doubtful or shortsighted to see this.
Maybe all of this has been right in front of my face this whole time and I was too blind to see.
Perhaps there is such a thing as a natural high, which can be unbeatable and relived.
I want to find a way to recreate the perfect emotion, so high and lofty and perfect that it can be reused, like the gift of an ongoing memory.
If thinking can make us anxious, then why can’t our thinking give us the feeling of being up high on a rooftop? Why can’t our thoughts take us far from the typical places we see? If this can be so, then perhaps our thinking and memories can recreate a high that comes from a perfect recollection of a boat trip, or a plan to make a date better than the last.
I have been told about the value of people, places, and things. I have been told that misery loves company. But then again, so does happiness.
Perhaps I should choose wisely then.
Perhaps we should see that the ownness is on us.
It is true.
I can live in the casualties of war or live in the tragic memories and get my fill of doubts and the fears in my head. I can create more of them too.
I can let myself slip into the deception of my perception or lose myself to the imbalance of cognitive biases.
Or maybe I can build new memories.
Maybe I can recreate my life and start right now.
I can create new hopes. I can rebuild. I can restart my day at any given moment.
I can change my mind. I can change my direction.
I can realize that while yesterday is gone and my fond memories can never be recreated exactly the same, I can find new ways to make new memories.
I can make new plans and stick to them.
I can fish the Atlantic and find myself in the depth of the ocean.
I can allow myself the right to look around and notice the sky, the sea, and the world around me, which is far bigger than I realize.
I can go to new places. I can let myself move forward instead or circling back to reopen my old wounds that never seemed to heal.
I was recently asked, “What are you looking for?”
My answer is simple.
At this point in my life, I realize that I have spun around the sun for more than 52 years.
I have decided that I want to be happy.
I have seen great things and, unfortunately, I have seen enough things to break this old man’s heart.
Or maybe I’m not an old man at all.
Maybe I’m only beginning.
Maybe I’m just a kid.
Maybe this is all relative.
Or maybe there is a way to create a sense of euphoria by living to the best of my ability.
Perhaps it is time to step away from the different safety nets that held me back and allowed me to settle for the simple brands of mediocrity.
What do I want?
I want to see things.
I want to let go.
I want to feel that sensation of sitting at a table outside of a restaurant and sharing a meal with someone I love more than anything in the world.
I want to do something that I never did before. I want to be unafraid to try something new. I want to dance and not care about missing a beat or how I look.
I want to sing. I want a moonlit stroll by the palm trees when the sky is clear of any obstructions and the stars are kind enough to twinkle in your eyes.
I want to take a long drive.
I want to make this road trip better and make this better than my dreams, and more, I want to make the next one after it even better than the one before.
I want to live this way.
I want to look back and see how I worked to surpass myself.
I want to be free from the limited ideas that kept me stuck, or otherwise believed that happiness is only short lived, or fleeting at best.
I want to see this in myself and recalibrate my thinking to adapt to a new way of life.
I realize that some people will never live their best life because they never dared to step away from their worst life.
And me, right about now . . .
I’m ready to dare it all
from now until the hour of my death.
(Amen)
The Written Addiction 