I admit to being one of those people who are up late at night and scrolling through the social media feeds. I am often awake and looking at some of the more positive quotes too, and some of them come at the right time.
More to the point, I will use last night as a perfect example. And sure, I swear the social media gods have their ears open because their timing is impeccable.
I read the words, “be brave enough to suck at something new.”
I love this quote.
I love the realization and freedom behind this idea.
I am reminded that we are all beginners, at least at some point. We are all faced with new tasks and technologies. Or maybe we have to prepare for a new journey, or we have to adjust our sights at work, or in the events when life changes, especially work life, and when we face a new position with new responsibilities and new tasks, challenges, and all that comes with starting over, we have to allow ourselves the opportunity to understand that no one walks in with perfection.
As it used to say on a billboard above the Queen’s side entrance to the ramp of the 59th Street, Queensboro Bridge, “Perfection is not an accident.”
No. Perfection is worked and cultivated and practiced, drilled, and even more, perfection is a level of duty which details all of the work, the effort, the failures, the growth and the successes we make along the way.
I understand the discomfort of awkwardness. I can relate to the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to flow or to move as fluid-like as someone who has been at the same game for years.
I can say that no professional walked in at their highest level.
No, we all fell and we all broke and bled, we hurt, and the difference between a person who worked at their skill sets as opposed to the person who chose to perfect them is their dedication to their training.
I have made a choice to enter into new realms of work, sport, life, and to become a better practitioner and to allow for a physical transformation, and as an act to build a better spiritual place for myself, I have chosen to enter into the disciplines of martial arts and self-defense.
I appreciate the honesty and physical awareness that this represents. However, I am mindfully aware of my challenges, or my physical limitations, which is not to say that these challenges and limitations are permanent. But more, I see how my limitations become goals that allow me to approach, achieve and surpass myself. I enjoy this craft because I can learn these lessons in ways that I might not experience in other forms of physical expression.
There is a special honesty that accompanies us when we start to see ourselves, as we are. And there is a special dedication it takes to endure, continue, and to stick to it, as if this were the only way to live, or as if without this—or in my case, I have to recognize where I was in the beginning as opposed to where I am now.
I have to grant myself the freedom that I am not a black belt. Everyone has to start from somewhere.
I never trained before. I was never on the wrestling team and, up until a short time ago, I never had a true exercise routine. I was never strong. I never moved well. I was clumsy and awkward—or at least, this is what I believed about myself.
I remember being told the only difference between a white belt as a person and a black belt in martial arts is that someone with a black belt is a white belt who never gave up.
There are times when I practice new moves and my body is confused on how to bend, stand, crouch, or move without leaving too much space to be swept or reversed into a weaker position.
My hips do not move as well as some of the younger contenders nor do I perform as well as some of the older contenders which is funny to me because I am one of the older people in the classes.
I have to start somewhere. I have to allow myself to be brave enough to suck at something new.
I have to allow myself the path to learn or in my case, I have to keep coming to class, and I have to continue to practice until my awkwardness turns into fluid motion. Once I move slowly to improve and find a better pathway of memory and understanding, then I can retain the information that I have been taught.
And of course, this is how we advance.
This is how we fail, or we fall, or in my case, this is how I learn and where I start to grow.
This is the course which I am choosing to take. Once more, I can be fine with the idea that I am simply a beginner.
There is always someone who knows more and in the world of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, there is always going to be someone with a better game and a better plan, or like my coach, master, mentor and friend Carlos teaches me, this is a game of physical chess.
This is no different from life, whereas there will always be an opponent. There will always be a move or a challenge we have to face, and no opponent or rival, adversary or contender is going to allow you to advance upon them.
It is our job to remove space when we look to impose ourselves or to create distance when someone looks to advance upon us.
This is life too.
This lesson goes far beyond the mats in my Brazilian jiu-Jitsu classes. Life is life, which means life is not always going to be easy, kind, or fair. Neither are the opponents we face.
Our job is to be mindful and move and to find whatever gifts we can, albeit small, or even if the room for advancement is a small window of inches; either way, our job is to exploit this entry until we can wiggle through and create enough space to advance our threat. Thus, we can make our presence known.
My job today is to advance. My job is to learn something new without the expectation that I will walk in as a master of my class. No, I have the right to fail or make mistakes because once I have this right, I learn that I have the ability to learn and to adjust. But moreover, I can realize that I have the ability to improve.
I take special classes on Sundays.
These are one-on-one classes which allow me the right to suck and improve and to see where I need to grow and advance
I am not where I want to be yet, but I am far from where I was in the beginning.
I have chosen to leave my ego out of this because my ego is the challenge. Therefore, I am the challenge. My body does not move as fluidly as others. I am older. I have difficulty remembering each stage, or the different steps to every move, and remember, no valid opponents is simply going to lay back and let me advance my game upon them or give me a do-over.
This is life too.
There will always be an asshole. There will always be something or someone who looks to be hurtful. There will always be bullies and intimidations, and there will always be plenty of realizations, excuses, and justification to quit.
But this is life.
Not just Jiu-Jitsu.
This is a learning curve and the study of awareness, to which I can take my physical lessons and translate this into a spiritual and emotional level of awareness.
I will admit that new lessons can be humbling. I admit that my body does not bend or move as well as other people. But I am on course and enroute. Whether I ever get the chance to achieve the ranks of black belt or beyond, I know that I will have done so because I chose to endure.
I chose to continue, and whether I am hurt, sick, emotionally bruised or heartbroken, I see this transfer of information as a waystation, or as a porthole that allows me to grow and switch from one existence to the another.
To my Master, Coach, Mentor and above all to you, my friend Carlos –
I have endured a year to be noted. I have gone up and down and through it all, you have taught me the lesson of balance.
I used to get high to achieve balance.
But the high messed up my scales, in which case, my crash from the drugs is what threw me off.
However, you have offered me something different.
I have learned that if I can find or maintain a strong stance, or if I need to, I can establish frames to keep my opponent from folding in on me, and to protect myself, I can find the inches to make my escape.
I can pull off a sweep.
This is not going to come easy. No one is going to easily or willingly give me the gifts I need to improve or advance my position.
My job is to see my opposition, understand my whereabouts, and take notice of my opportunities. Like you said to me, there will only be a small window of opportunity before my opponent anticipates my next move—and in this case, the game becomes who made the first mistake and who will capitalize on this?
Who will advance? Me, or them?
More to the point of this entry, this opens to the question of when we face adversity.
Who will choose to endure by any means?
Who will quit and who will advance?
Or in the moment of justice and at the crossroads of combat, we are forced to recognize one obvious and true fact:
In the heat of competition, who will give up their backs and quit because their ego couldn’t take their losses, or who will maintain their composure and look to advance by any means necessary?
This is life. Not jiu-jitsu.
So who will I be today?
Will I submit and give way, or will I look for the gifts I’ve been given and advance to the best of my ability?
Thank you, Sir.
Your lessons are more lifesaving than you realize.
And I say this humbly as I bow, and say, “Oss!”
May God repay you.
The Written Addiction 