I never thought this would be me or that I would find myself here, trying to redefine my life or that I would come to this point where I am trying to sum my life or, of course, I never thought that I would look to change my life again, or change or change who I am.
I never thought that I would have to come to this place again, and realize the need to change my ways or change the way I think or feel.
I realize that first, I have to remove myself from ego or from the egotistical ways of thinking.
This is not about ego or egotism.
This is not about my lost or hopeless search, nor is this a moment, like when comes before The Creator, humbled or sad, nor is this about the way we look back with regret and wish I could change or redo the elements of time.
However, the way we are or the way we think and talk to ourselves are more impactful than we realize. In fact, the words we use will have an impact on us, which is why I support the motto, which says, “you never talk to anyone more than you talk to yourself. So, be kind.”
I have to understand something:
The mindset of a quitter is a trained idea. This is something that comes from inaccurate notions, assumptions, biases and beliefs.
Therefore, if I am to change my life than I will have to change my thinking. If I am to change my thinking then I will have to change my actions. Thus, I have to change my behavior as well.
I have to change my reactions too because life is habitual, which means if we always do the same thing, then we need to prepare for more of the same.
But I don’t want the same.
I want something different.
We are the sum of our assumptions. At times, we are the equations of an inaccurate math, and since I am told that the mind does not know the difference between reality or the assumptions we believe, then I have to learn to improve my belief system.
I have to address this before I can improve anything else.
I go back to the saying, “Man is as he thinketh.”
Then what does that make me?
A coward?
A hypocrite?
Am I better than my assumptions?
Am I more capable than my beliefs lead me to be?
Or am I the worst of the worst or the lowest of the low?
How do I see myself?
I have to ask because the answer is crucial.
Like I said, I never assumed that this would be me.
I never assumed the trips and falls, nor did I expect the changes that came “out of nowhere,” and without warning, and with no expectation, I saw my life from an unprepared view.
I saw myself, who I am, who I’ve been, or who I am perceived as.
I want this to improve.
However, life decides to show up without warning, and without a word, life arrives without advice or a way to understand what happens.
It is Christmas, down here on Project Earth.
People will gather and families will meet. For some, this is a special time of year.
But for others, this holiday is less magical.
Today is less of a miracle and to some; today is a memory or a moment of misfortune.
Still, the lights remain. The cheer is all around, and little kids awaken with hopes of presents under their Christmas tree.
It is a new morning on this side of Purgatory. I am in the middle of something, unsure about my unknown future, and unsure about which way to go from here.
Who should I listen to? Who should I avoid?
How should I proceed? What can I do to keep from hitting the panic button?
There are new faces and new things, new ideas, and new streets, new offices, and new places to see.
I am here, as usual, of course.
I show up, no matter what, no matter how I feel or whether I am ready or not because either way, here it comes. Life is on the way.
Nothing can stop this machine from moving. No one can stop the hands of time, and nobody can stop the gears from turning.
It is a strange thing that I do now. However, it is the only thing that I can do to find my moment of clarity.
It is morning. I am tired, of course.
My mind has been awake for longer than my body — then again, maybe this is all relative – being awake, I mean.
I want to close this book. I want to get to the point.
I want to recognize my demons and put them aside, for now.
I want to trace my history back to the roots and, once more, I want to go back to where I began.
I want to know what made me tick back then. Consequently, I want to know what makes me tick now.
I want to know if I am still responding to old voices.
Can you relate to this?
I want to understand and see if I am operating in accordance with old, or an outdated logic that needs to be updated or changed.
I will no longer support my old assumptions or entertain the irrational arguments that take place in my head. I refuse to stand or be still and let my life pass me by. Therefore, and effective immediately, I withdraw myself from consideration. I withdraw myself from the social plenums and political debates. I withdraw myself from the status whores and the corporate bullies, the lackies, the humps, or the “heave-ho,” lifestyle that comes with an unrewarding job or an unrewarding life.
I withdraw from the unrewarding thoughts that do nothing else but lead me to an unrewarding life.
I am no different from you or anyone else.
I am simply a passenger. I am a spectator. Or as mentioned in the past, I am a cog in the wheel, and part of a machine which we call the human race.
And as for the race; I wonder something –
Who wins?
Is it the nice guy who finishes last?
Is it the one who dies with the most toys?
I have all the right in the world to be where I am.
I have earned my seat and yes, I can see how I have traded myself or traded my place for something less than worthy. And why?
This is all because of an inaccurate belief system.
But what am I to believe?
How does someone go forward?
Perhaps this is nothing more than another moment of awareness.
This is no different from the time when I wrote to you, on the very first day.
This is like the time when I wrote that my redemption has nothing to do with your response.
This is like the time when I took to my knees with arms extended, bearing my chest and my soul with the purpose of offering my heart and my life.
I am here, again, coming to a supplication where I can mend or heal, or re-stake my claim to find this thing I call my life.
We are not as unfortunate as we believe.
In fact, we are more capable than we know.
We have the ability to change.
We can recover and redeem ourselves. Despite who is with us or against us, no one can take away our right to change and improve.
No one can stop us from learning or growing, and on days like this, no one can change our hearts, or change our minds, except for us.
And so, I’d like to change.
I’d like to update my thinking.
I’d like to address the items which I have denied. Whether I am brave or not, I would like to dig deep and find that I am far more than I realize. And to you, I want to believe that I am loved and wanted.
I need to believe that I am desired by you and needed by you; but more, I want to be complimented by you, as if to be in the perfect company of the one person who compliments my imperfections, and otherwise, this is what makes me perfect.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, Santa Claus, and Merry Christmas to our figment of imagination.
Merry Christmas, dear past. And Merry Christmas to you, my future self.
Merry Christmas to you, my secrets that have kept me sick and kept me company. And Merry Christmas to the families of so many who go missing, who sink into sadness, and Merry Christmas to the commercialism of joy, which seem to act as a theft of service.
Merry Christmas, Love.
Stay with me please. The day is only starting, and the nights are too lonely without you.
I never thought that this would be me, which is not to say that this is bad or that I am a bad person.
No.
I never thought that life would change the way it does, unexpectedly, and without warning.
Merry Christmas to the demons who whisper too loudly.
Merry Christmas to the crooked angels who fall, upside down and backwards, and like the Kamikaze pilots who died or gave their sacrificial lives, Merry Christmas to the crooked angels who gave away their wings so the guilty can have another chance.
Merry Christmas to the workers in the doubt machine, who lives and breathe, and never closes shop, not once, not for a minute, and not even for a second (so we can breathe).
Merry Christmas to the new morning sun.
Merry Christmas, hope.
Merry Christmas, destiny.
Thank you for building a path to your door.
Merry Christmas to my friends who have passed, and to my loved ones, to my hated ones, and to one and all; Merry Christmas to everyone, even the “no ones.”
It’s almost time to close this journal. But not yet.
I have a few days left. I have more to tell you and yes, I have more to share.
Merry Christmas to you too.
I have no idea what my life would have been like, or where I would be
(without you).
The Written Addiction 