It wasn’t so long ago, at least I don’t think it was.
Youth, I mean. And ah, to be young.
(Again)
There are certain people
who we encounter
we keep us young
or who make us age.
I was young once. I was wild.
I was able to get back up if I fell
or I was able to heal quicker
or bounce back faster.
But then,
age stepped in.
Life was faster then,
but oddly enough,
time moves quicker now,
as in,
a lot quicker.
It seems as if days go by and next,
it’s weeks, then months,
and then the year changes.
The year will change,
and what have I done?
What have we done
or what have we seen?
Anything?
It is not beyond me to think
that something is missing. Then again,
of course, something is missing,
and if this were not so,
would I ask you about this?
Would we still be here
waiting for the ships to come in
and then finally, at last,
it is our turn,
and finally, our ship has come in,
which is a figure of speech, of course.
This means to hit the big time
or to find wealth
or success.
But wait.
I want more.
I want more than money
because I want something
that money cannot buy.
Money cannot buy this
nor could this come in a pill form
or mixed in a drink.
The stores do not sell this
nor can this be found online
or anywhere else.
This is different.
This is life.
Better yet, this is my life.
This is a life without loss
or should I say without the fear of loss,
or the fear of chance, and more
this is life set from an erectable stage.
This is where dreams come from
and where life is rebuilt and remade.
What I want is something more
than just a dream
and more than an idea
or a notion of a life extended
beyond my wildest fetish.
And sure, I said fetish.
Sure, I talk about love
or the need to feel love
or to feel loved to the point
where I have no fear
and no worries
because no matter what happens,
no matter where I am or where I go,
no matter if I fall or if I get back up;
there is nothing as euphoric
as love in the heart.
There is no high, no sensation,
nor is there anything as beautiful
as the physical eruption
that comes from love’s kiss.
Never stop kissing me.
Ever.
But in all fairness,
I ran from this
for most of my life. I never dared
and I never tried to show my true self
nor did I humble myself
to be vulnerable enough
to be completely true
or open,
or transparent.
I have had my share of success.
I have had moments when I was doing well,
and the bank was happy with me.
I have lived in both humble places
and large homes.
I don’t care much about that anymore.
I don’t need the biggest house on the block
or the yacht or the nicest car.
I don’t need to keep up with the Joneses
and I don’t need to live a life of comparison.
No.
What I want cannot be had this way.
What I want is more than surface level
and more than something decorative.
I don’t want to think about the daily competition
or the so-called rat race, which is life too.
I don’t want to become miserable
or joyless and more than anything,
I don’t want to be old.
I don’t care about my age.
That’s not what I mean.
I want to be young at heart.
I want to be just as wild and crazy
and uncaring about the consequences.
With all of my heart,
I want to be like I was
when I was young enough to recover quickly
and heal faster
or be stronger than the powers
against me.
I don’t need to go fast.
I don’t need to speed through.
No, time is moving fast enough.
I want something different.
I want the endearing gestures of young love,
and I want to feel the invincibility of young love;
all the while, I don’t want to change who I am
or skip a beat.
I want to recreate my life
and toss my old inhibitions away.
I want to dare the world and dare the system.
I want to dare the odds and be victorious,
like the underdog,
and with all of my heart,
I want the world
and, of course,
I want it now.
But I have to be clear about this –
I have work to do first.
And that’s fine.
I have some changes to make.
I have adjustments ahead,
and I have an uphill climb in front of me,
which can be tough
(sometimes).
But so be it.
Let me get it.
Or let me work for it . . .
If I fail or if I miss,
at least I can face myself.
At least I can look in the mirror
at the end of the day
and come to a constructive conclusion.
Some people can never face themselves
or dare to see their own reflection
because their truth is hard to see.
Some never come to a constructive conclusion.
Some hide.
Some run.
Some face the wall.
And some charge the hill.
And me?
I’d rather charge the hill.
I would rather take what comes
and dare the risk.
Even if I miss or fall,
It’ll be worth it,
at least it will be worth it
to me –
The Written Addiction 