I remember back when I was a kid and I did something wrong or found myself in trouble. Either my parents, or a teacher, or maybe it was one of the assistant principals, or even the principal or a guidance counselor would ask me the same question.
Why did you do that?
I don’t know . . .
This was my standard answer. “I don’t know.”
Then again, there were standard answers and there were answers which, depending on my mood or mindset — to which I have the need to point out that I was not always clean or sober, and in my need for constant defense, or in defense of my own secret rebellion, I would often looked to defy the world or justify what I said or did, I would look to absolve myself or at minimum, I would look to rationalize my behavior because I was either angry, frustrated, discontent, or maybe I was at the end of my rope, or maybe I was tired of being unhappy. Since I lacked the language or the ability to explain myself both honestly and humbly, I acted out in ways that were not loyal to my best interest.
There is a reason behind every action. There is a prime motivator, like a steam engine that bursts with pressure and needs to move, or else,we explode.
I was introduced to the words, “taking an honest inventory” through a 12-step program that was not only helpful, but instrumental in saving my life, as well as ridding me from certain demons who are always willing to loan me something.
Inventory, as in, what’s behind the movement?
What led me to respond the way I did?
What causes fear and what distracts us from being our best possible self?
How many times have I spoken out of fear or insecurity, just to make myself ‘seem” right?
There are physical insecurities and emotional insecurities. There are educational insecurities and spiritual, interpersonal, and romantic insecurities.
Remember, all the mind wants is peace.
We all want to be at ease, and to do so, our mind is always calculating and always adding, subtracting, or multiplying; in which case, we often find ourselves divided by the inaccurate “missing” numbers known as assumption.
While basing our answers on biased thinking, we tend to make the value of “X,” so-to-speak, far more worthy than it really is.
We are going to start talking about the people, places, and things that hold us back.
We are going to discuss the internal narrative and the thoughts which lead us to inaccurate or unfortunate conclusions.
But more, we are going to look at our inventory.
People, places, and things.
I will offer an example of my insecurity to help outline the questions that we can ask in our action plan.
I was never a great student. I am uncomfortable in classrooms for reasons that are no longer relevant.
No one is ever going to bully me again.
I have surpassed my educational limitations. I am not stupid. However, I have memories and scars and classroom recollections that degrade my truth.
I was labeled when I was young.
I was told that on top of being educationally delayed, or delinquent, and learning disabled, I was told that I was also emotionally disturbed.
Why would anyone tell this to a 12-year-old?
I was told that there was something “wrong” with me.
I was put on medication that only served to make me worse.
I recall teachers telling me that, at best, I would only be good for something in the manual labor field which, and for the record; I am a union employee and equally for the record, manual labor might sound like hard or menial work and maybe this is true,
However, I have learned about the difference between a laborer and a teacher’s salary, to which I would like to suggest that we trade tax statements at the end of the year and see who smiles.
Either way, I have lived with different versions of educational insecurity.
I allowed myself to be intimidated by titles.
I allowed myself to give in to a belief system of better-than or less-than, above, below, and yes, I am guilty of subscribing to the social division of status, or the praise of titles, money and success.
I have found myself in rooms where I am less educated and as such, I saw my belief system take a turn.
I started to find myself in the fit of old insecurities.
I believed as if I was unworthy, like that kid I used to be who stuttered when reading in front of the class; or I found myself, as if my opinion was less-valued or that I was that “special kid,” to which I started having ideas that led me to draw conclusions of people, places and things.
Ever say something and the last words that leave your mouth seem to echo in your mind?
You say something and immediately regret your last words, as if they were so stupid or idiotic, and then you try to say something to correct yourself, and you keep talking to dig yourself out of the hole?
Do you understand?
The only problem is the words you use to correct yourself only serve to dig the hole deeper. Next, you find that you’re playing defense in a game of wits that no one else is playing.
Taking inventory:
What affected me most?
What were my intimidations?
Were they even real, or was this just “in my head?”
Even if my concerns were real, how important are they?
When defending myself, would it have been better for me to stop talking or to switch the subject?
How would you direct me to boost my confidence instead of boosting my worst fears?
If you were to help me, what would you suggest I do to redirect my thinking and how could someone in this position regain their composure without losing faith in themselves?
Everything we do or say is to honor an idea, a thought, a feeling and, of course, as we look to improve our emotional chemistry, how can someone like me rewire my thinking to avoid the emotional or mental pitfalls that take place when we think we are less than or of a lower value?
We are going to move forward with this but for now, I would like you to think about a person and their insecurity. How can a person be helpful to someone who thinks like the person in the paragraph above without exposing discomfort and fear, or without moving in too fast or too deep?
How can we retrain someone’s thinking when their thinking is habitual? To be clear, habitual thinking leads us to our historical responses.
Therefore, to change our thinking and our emotional mindset, we have to realize that we cannot recreate our past.
What can we do to strengthen ourselves now to keep us from looking at our weakness? Therefore, how can we strengthen our position so that tomorrow’s worry is not about yesterday’s failure? And instead, how can we improve our emotional posture so that we can look back at today with a feeling of success?
Back to when I was a kid, or when any of us were asked, “Why did you do that,” and when we responded with the standard answer, “I don’t know.”
The truth is we always knew.
We might not have the words to explain ourselves or the courage to say them, but we know why we do what we do.
We might need help identifying this. We might need someone to help or encourage us to put our thoughts or feelings into words –
But deep down . . .
we know ourselves far better than we think.
The Written Addiction 