There is something that is often overlooked.
However, in the case of wanting to help people or to be helpful to someone we love, or if we are looking at this as more of a professional journey, sometimes the perfect thing to say is nothing.
That’s right. Nothing.
The perfect thing to say is not to say anything.
In fact, the perfect thing to say is an action.
Not a statement.
Sometimes it is best not to talk about “the thing” no matter what the thing may be. It is often overlooked and seldom said but more often than not, the most helpful thing is unspoken.
Actions speak louder than words.
Just being present means more than people realize.
I go back to one of my eulogies when I offered the idea that words, although heartfelt and meaningful, and no matter how deep the intentions may be, still, there are no right words to say.
Nothing can cancel the loss that took place.
Offering ideas that suggest, “she sees you,” and telling someone who lost their parent, or their loved one, or saying this to anyone who lost a person with a meaningful title, or telling a child who lost their Mom, “Your Mother is so proud of you,” can be a painful thing to hear.
Saying that, he, she, them or they are in a better place can be hurtful because the best place for the person who just died would be at home with their family.
But no, life had other plans.
No one wants the reminder that their loved one suffered or they were sick. Although there is a belief system that suggests paradise happens when we pass away, or believing that we will all be together again someday, might not be as helpful as we think.
Not everyone shares this belief system.
Not everyone believes in God.
To some people, this offer can be insulting and, too, this is a reminder to them that they will never see their loved one again.
Then, of course, the question is what do you say at a time like this, right?
What’s the right thing to say or do?
How about, “I’m here.”
How about just showing up without looking or searching to find the right words.
The funny thing about that eulogy I mentioned is the way I offered these ideas to a roomful of people. I offered this and each of them nodded their heads in agreement, and all of them acknowledging that there are no right words to say.
Yet, at the end of the ceremony, people lined up to offer their condolences to the family.
Nearly every person literally said something that was mentioned as being one of the things NOT to say.
The family regarded this to me after the funeral was over, and they almost laughed.
“Literally everything we told you that we didn’t want to hear people say, was said.”
They knew that this didn’t come from a bad place. They knew the intentions were good. However, people want to be helpful, even at the risk of being unhelpful.
As a son who gave a similar eulogy at my Mother’s funeral, I can attest that people nodded and agreed that there are no right words at a time like this, and sure enough, only one person heard me and said to me, “I love you and I’m here if you need me.”
He said this with an understanding nod and a helpful smile.
Everybody else told me how proud Mom would have been or how she still sees me and she is still with me, which are all great things to say. At the same time, my grief is my grief.
Yours is yours. And we all grieve differently.
I learned about this lesson from coaching a parent’s group of Moms and Dads who lost their child to an overdose.
I learned about listening over talking while gaining experience in a field that I had always dreamed about.
So, now I choose to listen and listen more.
It was always a dream of mine to find myself somewhere in the mental health field. At the same time, I never realized that it was a dream of mine to be a teacher or to help guide people in their career paths.
I learned one thing for sure, which is that me and my ego have no place here.
Pride has no place in helping others.
I offer this, too, because I was never a popular person. However, there was a period when I was working as a specialist and I started to find success.
Also, I was noted and reported and pictured on the front page of the newspaper.
I was on the news, and in the face of the spotlight and popularity, I allowed this to cloud my vision.
The spotlight does not work for me. Hence, I found myself humbled but educated, and I also learned from this.
I learned and I grew. More than anything, I recognize that being human is very real.
We all have needs and wants and we all have opinions, and we all have the need to be heard and the need to be right.
I realized that I was no different from some of the counselors or the therapists and the clinicians that I chose to fight against.
I saw myself doing similar things and forgetting the golden rule of helping others.
It is not about me . . .
it’s about the person.
Charity is no longer charitable when we start to advertise how much we give.
I still have hopes and dreams and I still want to build something that has been a long-time dream for me.
Will I ever build the farm?
Will I ever build my treatment facility?
Maybe . . .
Will I ever make the switch and follow my heart and get back into the mental health field?
I hope so.
We are nearing the end of this journal.
However, there is more to say and more to work on.
But that’s another entry –
and that’s what tomorrow is for.
Am I right?
The Written Addiction 