Nothing lasts without maintenance which means we have to earn what we want in life. But more, we have to learn to keep what we have. Otherwise, we can lose everything we’ve worked for.
believe me. I know.
Everything needs to be kept and updated and cleaned and used, like an engine with moving parts, which need to be oiled and used accordingly.
I have seen things in my life. I have noticed friendships and people and loved ones. I have seen what happens when people wither away or become distant and gone.
I have allowed myself to lose too many things. At my worst in life, I have allowed myself to lose people, places, and more, I have allowed myself to lose things that I worked for all because I failed to take care of them or myself.
It has been told to me that life is not meant to be lived with regrets.
However, while I agree that regret can be painful, I acknowledge that regret is often unavoidable, like an unwanted aftermath or an awakening after a loss.
Regret happens when we speak out of anger or say things that we wish we never said.
But in the moment, or in the heat of emotional battles, or when heartbroken, or hurt, or when disappointment becomes paramount and deep down, we are responding harshly because we are not getting our way — there are times when we hit below the belt or say things that we know aren’t fair or true. In response to our own dilemmas, we hit below the belt.
I have done this too often.
I am sorry.
We speak out of emotion and hence, we find ourselves in the mass destruction that comes to to face the light of truth, like a quiet dawn after an angry war on the battlefield.
This is what happens when we do not take care of ourselves. This is what happens when we fail to learn better ways to communicate, or in my case (or cases), this is what happens to me when I start responding out of fear and insecurity.
I have outlined myself and offered a personal example of me, or the way I was, the way I am, or the way my inventory of anger or selfishness can overload. Next, I find myself in places that I don’t want to be—or more namely, I find myself alone.
The idea of finding help, or helping others, or helping myself came to me when I was being educated as a recovery specialist.
I learned what a Wellness Recovery Action Plan is, or a W.R.A.P. is what we have been calling it.
I needed to see this in front of me.
I needed to see how this was laid our on paper and how the questions worked in a prioritized order.
I do not say there is only one way to write this. No, I suppose this can be written in countless ways for countless reasons and for people who find themselves in countless situations.
We are addressing the who, the what, the why, the where and, of course, most importantly, the when.
I wanted to be helpful to others the same way this was helpful to me.
I wanted to be there to witness when the light comes on in someone’s head.
I wanted to be part of the process to see people come from the depths of their worst and aspire to become more and escape their darkness to reach their light.
I wanted to be helpful to others the way people were helpful to me — and to be clear, I was not all too deserving in my life when asking for help.
Yet, someone was still there to help me.
I was not a good person and, in all honesty, there are times when I am capable of angry or terrible things. There are times and moments when I look back and see what I have done. I look at the wake of my aftermath and I shake my head because I hurt someone who I love, or I rejected someone who deserves better.
Life without care can only go uncared for, at best.
Nothing can fix the broken puzzles that happened after yesterday’s emotional backfires.
I know this all too well.
At this point, I can say I have gone pro when it comes to putting my foot in my mouth, so-to-speak, or sabotaging myself. I have certainly perfected my sickness, or my anxious fears and I know how to entertain my depressive thinking.
I know all of this and I know all of this, all too well.
I have visions and memories and times when I was doing what my dreams wanted me to do. I was a better, loving person. I had feelings of success. I had my dreams in the palms of my hands; however, I was too afraid to commit and was on the fence for too long.
I lost a lot by living this way. I see how dishonesty destroyed me. I see how ambivalence can be deadly, both figuratively and literally—just ask the flattened squirrel in the middle of the road who couldn’t make up its mind, right or left, and instead—splat, the car made the decision instead.
Life will come with ups and downs.
Home teams will change.
Life will change and so will we.
I want to help people.
I want to help people who are like me, lost and who get stuck in their own mind. I want to help remove the pain and the doubt, and I want to remove the reasons why people mistake themselves as ugly so that I can reveal the truth, which is really beautiful.
I have a list of people who have inspired me for countless reasons. I have met people who I will use as role models, and there are people who have motivated me, and there are people who have taught me how “not” to be . . .
It would be inaccurate to say that I am sad or that I live a sad life. But like Maya Angelou who wrote, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings, or like Charles Bukowski, as crazy or as drunk as he may have been, I can understand his poem about the Bluebird, because he has a bluebird in his heart, which he doesn’t let out because he is too tough for him (the bird).
I have a child in my heart but I had failed him.
I have love in my heart but I was too afraid to share this or show this, in fear that I would be rejected or unwanted in return.
I have a child in my heart who I was born to protect, but I failed to protect myself, which failed to protect the child, which is me.
I have doubts and fears and worries and this idea that I will only be alone and, at best, I will have memories by my side at the moment when I pass—but no.
I want more.
I need help too.
Everyone does.
Never put anyone else above you.
Never put anyone beneath you.
Be you. This is who you do best.
Be mindful of your expectations of people.
We are all human and we are all capable or crazy things. And love? Yes, love is the craziest of all things.
Love is the bravest action in the world.
Love is the best thing anyone can feel, have, touch, or see.
My plans and bouts with mental health and wellness are all surrounded by these things—and yes, there is a child in my heart, but he is afraid and he sits behind a curtain sometimes, peeking out, like a shy boy who only reveals himself halfway. I see him, and I know what he wants.
He wants to play without worry that he will be laughed at or picked on, and he wants to show you everything.
There is a child in my heart who is enough, but in fear that I am not, he sees me weeping sometimes. He asks me “what’s wrong?”
I tell him not to worry.
I tell him that I am okay and that even adults cry too.
The little child looks confused, as if to wonder why someone who might appear as tough as me would cry so loud or so openly—and I tell him, I’m not so tough.
I say, I’m not as tough as you.
I’m not as beautiful, to which he responds, “but I don’t understand, I thought I am you?”
You are me.
I have dropped the ball. I have lost my way.
I have lost money. I have lost friends and I have lost loved ones.
I just don’t ever want to lose you . . .
There is a child in my heart, but he is only a boy.
I tell him that he doesn’t understand.
And he asks if I understand.
I tell him, “No,”
at least not always.
But you and I, we have a life to live and a vision to create,
“Can we find some more time to play,” asks the child within me?
You bet, son.
“Good,” he tells me, “Because I think part of the problem with growing up is we forget to have fun, and we forget the most important things in life.”
I ask, what are they?
It’s the people who remind you of the best things in life . . .
Like Saturday morning cartoons, or how to be silly, no matter how old we are.
And to laugh.
Nothing is more important.
Help someone learn to laugh again
and you helped them save their own life.
Trust me.
The Written Addiction 