12)
It’s been hard, lately
to think clearly without distraction
or to act without wondering
about the “what if” scenarios
that take place when hindsight
is in the forefront
and yesterday hangs on to me
like a child, pleading for me
to change my mind.
I go through phases, much like anyone else,
whereas, my time, my space, my life,
and my choices are the footsteps
that led me to where I am now
here, with you,
of course.
I have always been interested
in thoughts about old pieces
of driftwood
that wash upon the shore,
and you find them sometimes
randomly,
or perhaps even sadly
because at one point
this was once part of something.
I suppose my fascination
is due to the awareness
that this piece
was whole –
at least it used to be.
I can look back
and think about the things
I used to be part of.
I can think about the times
when I was whole,
or so it seemed.
I was part of movements
and riots, or battles,
or fights that used to be worthwhile to me,
and now,
somehow, I have grown
and I have come to the understanding
that some things are worth fighting for,
and some –
Well?
Not so much.
I can think of the times
or bouts when I was tangled
in something less than worthwhile;
and, at the same time,
I was too afraid to let go
or walk away
or move on
in fear that I am not worth the travel
or that I will never be warmed
or welcomed again
And more, I was afraid
that I allowed myself
to be defined by my surroundings
for so long,
that I had become
the sum of my fears.
Or worse,
I believed that I had become
the sum of someone’s predictions
and hence, I had become
the person someone else
had claimed me to be.
“Who would you be without me?”
said the spider to the fly.
“How about alive and happy,”
said the hostage to themselves . . .
I will never settle
for second best
again –
There,
I said it.
Now let this be my new mantra
and yes,
let me do what I have to
to make it so.
13)
“Never be the beast
that someone says you are
or claims you to be.”
Always dress above the part
or look like you’re working
to be at the role above.
Do not give in.
Do not stop.
Do not quit
or allow yourself the conversation
in your head that says
“you can’t do it,”
or
“Why bother?”
Do not entertain the values
of someone else, and make them your own
unless, of course,
you value them yourself.
But then again,
this is what I mean
when I say dress up,
or act like you’re working
to find yourself
at the role above.
Do not allow anyone
the right to burden your heart
and do not invest in anyone
unless, of course, your investment
is there for the better,
and then, in that case;
if this is love,
then let this be love,
or if this is admiration
then admire with all of your heart,
and if this is for the better
then let yourself be better,
as in
do it now.
And, as for this?
As for the skin you’re in
and the life you live –
this is only a suit
which you can change
or update at any time.
Never believe in limitations.
Never stop looking for who you are
or where you want to be
and more than this
or more than anything,
never settle
— not even once –
because this becomes a habit
and the results . . .
are unthinkable
14)
I know about the lies we say
or the games we play to pretend
or how we try to act “as if,”
and I know all about the excuses
or the way we rationalize
the lies we believe
because deep down,
we know they’re not true,
but hey,
a guy can hope . . .
Can’t he?
I think about the banks
and how they were giving loans
to people
who could never repay them
and as a result
those people were buying homes
they could never afford
and living a life they could never live
at least not realistically,
or long-term.
I remember people raging over
the banks, or how this killed
our economy,
or more importantly,
this killed our country.
At the same time,
I thought about the people
who knew in their heart
they could never make this work,
and still, they lived above their means
because hey, why not?
The bank approved it,
so?
It must be okay,
right?
I guess they were wrong . . .
Just because something
can be touched
or something is accessible,
doesn’t mean that this
is sustainable – or right
yet,
we like to believe in dreams
or lies, and even if the lies
come from within.
Sometimes, we play the role
just to believe this was meant to be,
because we wanted this “to be”
or in other words,
and in other walks of life,
or with love, or with anything
that comes with a red flag;
just because something is out there,
this doesn’t mean
the dream was meant for me.
. . . at least
not like this.
But, no matter what,
I know my heart is out there
working
and waiting
for me to be
where I am supposed to be.
15)
I sit on a train before the sun comes up.
I ride this way
to earn my daily bread;
however, I struggle to forgive
my daily trespassers
and I struggle to forgive those
who trespass against me.
Just give me my daily bread
You know?
I pay my taxes . . .
I have been coming to work
for decades now,
and looking back,
where have I been,
or thinking about what have I done,
and what am I going to do
I am aware that now that I know
I want to do something different –
I realize,
I have to do everything
differently.
I have seen people
settle and live in their
common existence
or tell me about their past
and say, “you know,
I could have been something else, once.”
Me too.
I am up late, most nights
and awake early
every morning.
I have dreams.
I have a role that I want to dress for
and a part that I want to play.
Mom used to tell me,
you’re never too old
to reach for your dreams . . .
I am not too old,
and I’m not too weak.
I’m afraid.
I’m worried
and I’m frightened that I might be too rusty
or out of shape.
But I’m not dead.
Not yet.
So?
I suppose I’ll have to
dress up . . .
Work like I’m working
for the role above.
I have to remember “the Four L’s”
Live. Love.
Laugh. And learn.
And yes, those last four things
trust me,
they are more meaningful
than you think.
The Written Addiction 