39)
You never know who you are
until you find out,
and oftentimes,
even when we find out,
I am amazed when I see
how little we see,
or how seldom we notice
that we are far more
than who we think we are.
And fear,
yes, you . . .
fear.
You and I
have gone back and forth
for decades, in fact
we have gone back and forth
for so long
that I let you call you me.
Fear . . .
Fear of what?
The unknown?
I understand the fears of failure
because I apply this to the ideas of shame.
However, I do not support,
nor do I believe in the fear of success.
I am not afraid to succeed . . .
I’m afraid of the work it takes to keep it.
But more, or should I say, “instead,”
I fully believe and so,
I heartily understand
the fears of loss, as if to say,
yeah, I made something
or yeah, I pulled off one of my tricks,
but now what?
What do I do when my gold star
loses its shine,
if I found a way to catch a star,
what do I do
when the star ceases to shine
and everything returns to as it was
“before,” and all that glitters
is no longer gold —
what then?
See what I mean?
I do not support the fears of success;
however, I understand the fears of loss,
which is enough to make us say
“why bother” or “why even try?”
because like a smile,
or like laughter,
or like the joy from the crowd,
what happens when the crowd fades?
What then?
And what about when the victory fades too?
Does this become
like a story from an old man
about the days when he was in his prime?
I understand the fears of loss because
what happens when the “high”
crashes,
and you find yourself
back in the land of normalcy
where mediocrity is king
and the mundane queen
does nothing else
but point out
your flaws,
or remind you of your old promises
about who you were,
and who you wanted to be . . .
Fear –
It’s more than emotion
and more than a thought;
this is a doubt, a worry,
or maybe fear is just like an anxious pilot
who is too afraid to fly
in fear their flight will crash
because he second-guesses himself too much
and thus,
this is life, unfinished
uninspiring, unwilling to take the chance,
and unsure why everything
goes wrong.
Fear –
What a bitch, right?
Fear of unknown features
or fear of life,
or fear of the unlived and unloved,
which is not proven,
but in theory,
this is nothing more than judgment,
and this is the worry
or the internal concern
that keeps us grounded,
and dependent upon items
like, say,
people, places, and things
who we use to validate ourselves
because we are unable
to validate ourselves.
40)
How does one overcome?
I mean,
how does one learn to wipe away
their phobias
or how does someone
avoid the haunting ideas
that creep in
and keep us stuck?
How does one face
their brutal
and social intimidations
or how does one accept their humility
and how does one modestly admit
to their truths
and how does one ask for help
when their ego is too afraid
to be seen as weak
or vulnerable?
And why?
Why is this so?
Why is it such a crime
to say, “I don’t know?”
Why is it so wrong
to not understand
or to be human
and admit to yourself
or to the world around you
that you need help
because you don’t understand?
Why are we so afraid to
“suck at something new?”
I remember being a child
sitting in a classroom
and being afraid
because I couldn’t understand the material
or the math
or I can remember when I would read,
or try to, and how I would stutter
and no matter what,
no matter how hard I tried,
I could never remember
or retain the information
that I had just read
or tried to learn.
I felt as if I was the fool,
as in, I was the village idiot.
As in the one who needed
the special needs class,
and why?
Why did I have to be stupid?
Why did I have to stutter?
Why did I have to live
or feel shame
or why did I think
that I had to be ashamed of myself
and why,
why in the name
of all who are supposedly holy;
why was I made the way
I was?
Do you see?
Do you see the damage that comes
when we see little value
or live in a poor assumption
and adopt a poor representation
of our so-called “self”
and now do you understand?
Do you see
why we take such a stand,
or why we work so hard
to defend ourselves,
or why we fight
or why we argue
to keep from believing
we are stupid?
It is amazing to me,
how a person can accomplish so much
and still
believe so little about themselves –
like when I look at you
or tell you how
I believe that you are so beautiful
and yet, you never see it . . .
and then, of course, you tell me
“Well, what about what I tell you?”
as if to say, this is the pot calling the kettle
black.
Although different,
our similarities
are what causes useless arguments
that lead us to fight about problems
that do not exist.
41)
So, then?
What are you afraid of?
Who, me?
Okay, then –
I am afraid that I am not enough
or that something about me
is only temporary
and that my shine will lose
its flashy appearance
and inevitably,
or eventually,
I will be boring to you
or the attraction will fade
or the love
will be distant
or that I will be “wrong”
and that I will be a regret
when, in fact, I look at you
and what I see is more;
and therefore, when I look at you
I see someone who deserves more,
which is great,
but what do I do,
if I can’t pull this off?
How do I fix myself
and try to give you what you deserve
and how can I show you the world
when I can hardly afford
an extra token on the subway?
Would you ride with me
for a picnic like this?
42)
Just as a note to “self”
I have to say:
Fuck you, fear . . .
How about that?
How about you
take a one-way ticket to hell
and leave me alone
or “go shit!”
I see you now.
You, or should I say “ me”
as in my own reflection;
and I know who you are.
I know that you are in there.
And I know what you want
and that you want to come out
and play,
and I know about the things
you missed
and I know about the parties
we never attended.
I know about the prom.
I know about the lack thereof
and the ideas
that come when we think
shit . . .
I missed out on.
No one else knows or sees
but just know
that I do . . .
As for the prom, or the slow dance,
and as for the plan
to have the night of our life –
She is all yours now.
Just ask her to dance.
Ask her to go.
What’s the worst thing
that could happen?
She is not going to say no . . .
“Do you want to know what I am afraid of?”
Sure . . .
tell me.
“I am afraid because
I have been dreaming about this
(and her) for so long,
what do I do,
if I’m not any fun,
or even if I am,
what do I have,
if I don’t have this fantasy anymore?”
Don’t worry, son.
The great news is no matter what happens
we are alive enough to still dream
and to come up with a new fantasy
and make it happen.
“Do you really think that she will say yes?”
I know so.
“Will she dance with me?”
More than you know . . .
“How do you know?”
Because just like you have been waiting for her,
she has been waiting for you, for years, or no,
she has been waiting for decades.
Just like you . . .
Know how I know?
“How?”
Because she never forgot about you
and she tells you so
all the time.
And you need to see that this means –
she knows that you are worthwhile
and that you
are worth more than
you’ll ever know
to her.
So now,
show her
what she is worth
to you.
Trust me . . .
The Written Addiction 