43)
I have chosen not to step away
nor resign
nor quit in this dream
which is the same dream
that I have had with me
all this time,
and as this pertains to me, specifically,
I have come to the decision
that I cannot and will not
step back, or give way,
and surrender another step.
I remember being told
never be the monster
that someone else
claims you to be.
I am not who someone says I am,
nor am I who they tell me
simply because they say so.
There is no reason
to prove someone right about me,
unless, of course,
my aim is to prove something positive
or empowering.
I do not have to submit
nor be submerged in the predictions
that do not position me
in a better light,
nor do I have to suppose
that I am what someone says I am,
or that I am that monster,
even if I have done
monstrous things,
which I have
admittedly.
No one is ever innocent
on all sides.
No one can cast the first stone,
so-to-speak . . .
It does take two
to make things work
and whether I am a good fit
or if I am a good person,
or whether I have mistakes
and a list of faults
that run at least a mile long,
if not more;
none of this makes me less perfect
or deserving
and none of this
makes someone else more precious
or better, and in the end,
I swear, we all have our faults and flaws
and we all have our “things”
and everyone has their own agenda,
and everyone has a skeleton or two
which is kept and hidden away
and thus;
this is what take us away from our best potential.
Ah, the stains of the heart
or the secrets
and the lies we’ve concealed
or told
or tried to get away with.
I am no saint.
I am not perfect nor am I someone
who has the right to stand taller
as if I am better, or right,
or more deserving of a higher,
moral ground.
I am a sinner,
I am selfish and, yes,
I do have the narcissist in me
to which I admit to this as
“my problem”
and to which
at least I can say that I am a man
in need of change
or improvement.
At least I am not here
claiming to be better
or like someone who lies
just as easily
only, their excuses are enough
to pardon their sins
to let them feel
absolved.
I am no better
and neither are you.
We are nothing more
than two humans
in this world
for better or worse;
and so,
this is nothing more than a learning curve
and a lesson which has shown proof
that no person should ever settle
for a life less-desired.
And this . . .
this is why people are angry.
This is not about me
or my imperfections.
But more, when we settle,
we tend to loom at what we settled for
and wonder what we never earned our worth
or received what we deserve.
Never quit trying
Never stop working
Always remember
never surrender
and more than anything,
never settle for a life
that is second best.
44)
I am not too far from the beach, right now,
and no, this is not said in a literal sense
and figuratively speaking,
what I mean is
I am not too far from the place
which I call my own, as in
my own Mecca
or like Joseph of Arimathea
was told
who said well to The Son of Man,
who said to him,
“You are not far from The Kingdom of God,”
I know that I am closer to something
and that I am not far now
from an answer.
I am not so far from the freedom
of my self-inflicted bondage
and while I may be poor in some regards,
even the little drummer boy
who had little wealth
gave his heart
and played his drum
for The Son
so that He could hear him
and know what was in his heart.
45)
I am not the shepherd nor the flock
nor am I one of the wise men
nor am I fit to place myself
in anywhere,
but here.
Behold,
the enemies at the gates
or the sneers from my adversaries.
There is no rule
that says I have to play along.
I do not have to bend or hurt
or even respond because I am capable of
the best living.
I just need to be away, and so,
no, of course not.
I am not surprised when my enemies growl
or say unpleasant things.
This is their job,
as in,
this is what they do
But, if we ever find the occasion
when an enemy smiles
or if our enemy says a kind word,
it’s safe to know that something’s coming
as in, you just know that something
is in the mail . . .
And even when it comes,
or when the bomb goes off
or when the sabotage takes place
and the traps cut my heels;
there is no law that says
I have to respond—
This is only a job for my pride and ego
and, fortunately,
I’ve learned enough about my pride
and my ego
to know that nothing good
comes from them,
at least
not when they’re put together.
Behold,
I send you out as sheep amongst the wolves . . .
but still,
always be mindful of the fox in the henhouse
and stay away from those
who piss down your back
and tell you
it’s raining.
46)
I am ready now.
Do with me what you will
I won’t make a fuss
and I promise to put in the work.
Show me what you want me to do
and help me say the words from my heart.
Keep me from myself
and let me stand above my limitations
so that I can defy the predictions
which say
that I am no better than the animal
that someone else
claims me to be.
Sleep well,
Father Mike.
I think I finally understand
what you were trying to say
to me
The Written Addiction 