72)
Notes to self –
So, how did we do?
Us, you mean?
Yes, us
Did we make it out alive?
First, I think it is important to remember
that this is life, and when it comes to life,
nobody makes it out alive.
So, for now,
I’d say that we are doing well
And yes, we did okay.
We made it out with a few bumps
and bruises, and we have a few scars,
some that can be seen in plain sight
and some are more like
the invisible kind.
We made it this far,
to which, they say
that we should say something
like, I didn’t come this far,
just to come this far,
which means we have more to do
and more to go.
And yes,
I know you’re tired.
I know you want to catch a break,
and I know the worry machine goes off
and so does the war machine,
and I know how the gears turn
and I know how the fear factories
are at work before dawn,
which is why we never sleep,
if I’m not mistaken.
But just know that I am here
with you, and that you are not alone
nor will you be alone
ever again.
73)
Note to self –
Where is everybody?
The people, you mean?
Yes. Where did everybody go?
Okay, then
let me break this down
because remember, again,
this is life
and life can be this way sometimes.
People come
and people go.
Some people grow apart
and some people only come
for a short period, and then they move on
but yes, in that short while
some people can leave an impression
that will last a lifetime.
Some people are built just for us
and they are the ones who come around
on instinct
because they know we need them.
But this is life and sometimes,
life changes and so do we,
so do the people we knew as friends
who eventually became strangers
and the same can be said about the strangers
who eventually became friends.
Why do people go away?
I don’t always know,
but just like we have our journey,
other people have their journey too.
Is that a good thing?
Sometimes, yes.
Sometimes, no.
Sometimes, we learn from this
and sometimes
we close our eyes to look away
but no matter what,
no matter who comes
or who goes –
I am here with you.
The kid inside of me asks:
Are we safe now?
Yes.
Those things that happened,
and those memories you have
are all in the past.
Yes, I get it
sometimes the past comes up
and sometimes you worry
that the past will happen again—
But, same as you and I
will never be in the second grade again,
you and I will never be beaten
or hurt or touched (like that) again.
And it’s not the method of pain,
it’s the pain that scares us –
I mean who cares about the delivery
when the package is the problem . . .
and this is something
that I do not think other people can grasp
unless they are thinking about themselves;
it’s not the bullies
or the beatings
or the unwanted moments,
or the intrusions;
it’s the realization of betrayal
or the humiliation
or the degradation of the aftermath
or that I, or we,
are worth so little
that someone we loved
would come along
like a predator
and put us through so much.
I get it.
I understand.
I know
but all I can tell you is
I’m here.
And with all that I have
and with all of my heart,
no one will ever hurt you like “that”
again.
Now, I know this might not be much
but how does that make you feel?
Better, I hope.
74)
Note to self –
The kid within asks
Can I ask you a question?
Of course you can . . .
And if I ask you,
can you answer the question
instead of telling me
you’ll understand when you get older –
Go ahead . . .
What is love?
Is it real?
Is this only for certain people?
Or does everybody have a chance
to feel loved.
I only ask because otherwise
it gets kind of cold around here.
I wish the answer was simple.
I can say that there are different
kinds of love, like, say,
when a song comes on
and you’re driving down
an empty parkway,
and the sun is making colors
in the sky
at the end of the day.
The New York winter
sends a reminder
that spring is on its way,
and something beautiful
is about to return.
That’s love.
Or, then, there are people
who we call friends
and while these people are only a special few
they are the people who are with us
no matter what.
Then, there’s the love we feel
from Mom
or The Old Man, and yes,
there is the unfortunate truth
that age happens and life happens –
and guess what?
Arguments happen and sometimes
bad things happen,
but do you know what I mean
when I say about that feeling
in your chest, or that idea in your head?
You know that ideas that comes
that remember Mom or The Old Man
and no matter how long it’s been
we still miss them?
That’s love too.
Does that help?
The kid within says
Yes,
but what about the other kind of love?
You mean true love?
Is that what you meant?
Yes . . .
I can tell you that
there is a feeling inside
when someone opens the door
and you see them
and you see their face
and they smile
and then something inside of you
clicks into position
as if everything you’ve been waiting for
just showed up.
Will she be beautiful?
I can tell you this
without any uncertainty
she is more than beautiful.
Her shadows in the sunlight
are brighter than the moonlight
and the glow
from her expressions
are more than even heaven has created.
I can say that she has eyes
that move me, that make me weep at times
and she has a touch, or a feel
and she has a way of being in the room
and all else is just gone
or forgotten about.
I can say that she can be childlike
just like us
and she can laugh
and she can dance,
and she can sing,
and she can change fear
into bravery
because she has this
cosmic connection
or more than anything,
it seems as if she the only creation
intended for us
which to me
I would die fighting for her
for the rest of my life
or even longer.
I swear..
The kid within asks,
Does she like dogs?
More than she likes people . . .
Would she like to see the hill and the tree
in that field we talk about upstate?
I think she would like to see anything
we show her.
The kid asks
Do you think she gets afraid too?
Everyone in this world
is afraid. And that’s okay.
This is why we look to find the right one
to be safe with,
to share with them
and to show them everything
because no one else in the world
is like her . . .
No one.
Our job is to show her this
so she knows
that she is safe too
and anything else
that goes on outside the walls
of our castle
is just
none of our concern.
Does that make you feel better?
Yes,
I like dogs more than I like people too.
Me too, son.
Me too.
75)
Note to self –
I have never won an award
or been honored on a stage
and I have never been regarded
or noted, at least not
openly.
I have learned and I have built
and I have fallen.
I have misspoken
and said undefendable things.
At the same time,
I didn’t come this far
just to come this far.
I’m not here for the food and friends.
I’m not here to be pat on the back, at least
not by anyone
other than me.
I am here to be part of the plan
which I have set for myself.
Will I ever get these poems out?
Will I ever make it to the center of the stage?
Will I ever build a place to hang my hat on
and say, yes, I did that?
I don’t know.
I know that I’m tired.
I know that I find myself weak at times.
My body aches,
and so does my heart and my will
is weak
sometimes.
But I am here
until the final hour
and no matter what –
You will never be alone
again,
at least not on my watch.
The Written Addiction 