Back to Where the Bullets Hit the Sky

91)

And we go back
to where the bullets hit the sky
and back to where the violence comes
from the sum of our ignorance,
multiplied by fear
and subtracting us
from the one thing
that means the most to us.
We go back too far
and we go back to before the things we bargained for
had worth
or made sense.

And I am here, now

I am back to the angst
of anxiety
and back to where the taste on my tongue
is coated with contempt
to which, I know
I have to be careful
before I act without caution
and I carelessly react
to the actions of a falsified God
also known to me as the inaccurate resentment
that somehow redefines
the shape of our minds
and mediates that madness
from one form
to the next.

There is no discussion now
not when the mind is like this
the bunker
is locked down,
before the expected explosion,
caused by post traumatic notions
that there is no such thing
as love
and all is fair in the fallout
of emotional warfare.

And next,
I ask myself
but am I mad?
Well, am I?
Or am I mad about the fact
that I did not get my way
or that I made a trade, or I agreed
to something that was
subject to change
and hence
since I did not read the fine print
beneath the dotted line,
and so
when haste made waste,
and I signed anyway
am I mad about this?
Or am I mad at myself
because deep down,
I knew this ride wasn’t free
and now that I have to pay,
I realize that this ride
was not worth the price
of admission,
nor was the juice worth the squeeze
and so
it’s me
the sucker.

And lo and behold
one is born every minute
and some
are reborn
even quicker.

Stop playing the same games
and hence
maybe
you will find yourself
in different outcomes.

Understand?

92)

I am back in the post mortem
of a depression that
defines my losses
and looking back,
I see this all too clearly
and now I see
my desire was fine
and so was my dream.

I had the right intention
I had the right idea and the right plan
just the wrong execution
that was never thought out
because whether I like to agree
or not
nothing is real
if something is based on a lie —
and yes, even the slightest lies
lead us to bigger dishonesties
and as the math behind this mutates
and multiplies
or grows bigger,
the lies need more reason
to justify our actions
and so,
we come up with excuses
to validate our deception,
even if the only person deceived
is me,
or us.

I mean
after all, someone has to breathe out
so one of us
can breathe in.

93)

You have no one to be mad at
and you have no one to blame,
in fact, mount up
and ride this out
because the life you have
is the result of the lies you lived
and, well?

If this is what you wanted
then, good.
Good for you.
You win . . .

But, if this is not what you wanted
and you wonder
why you don’t have
what you bargained for . . .
look in the mirror
and let the truth
stare at you
for a minute.

See?

You have no one to blame
and there is no one who
can own your guilt
when it was you
who chose the way to go
and now?

You’re caught between
your lies and the honesty
that all the fingers you point
should be turned around
because no one in this deal
who owns the blame
more than you.

I can see you now,
reflection in the faceless mirror
telling tales

“I have to own my side.”
I know this.

People do what they do
to justify the lies
they tell
to make it okay.

No place to go
and nowhere to hide
because this ride is just like any other
and thus
this leads me to the bottom line,
which is something I have to say, once more
yet, again,
no matter where you go
there you are.

So, here I am.

You can hide from the truth
but you can’t get away

So, pull the trigger
and let the bullets hit the sky

A lie is a lie
A day is a day
And a lifetime
is a long time to live
without facing the truth
that this one
is on you.

So mount up
and ride this out
no one can kill you forever
except for you.

So make it right
and play it straight.
Either that
or ante up
because the game gets tricky
from here . . .