94)
I believe in the benefit
of what I call
an honest assessment
so that at the end of the day
I can come to a constructive conclusion
like it
or not . . .
In fairness,
I am not sure about
the exceptions to the rule
nor am I sure about
the fool who claims to be king.
Then again,
in the land of the blind,
he with one eye
is king
or so they say.
Or is it she
and is she queen?
I know that I see
nothing more than you
yet I know
that what we see differs
between us
or in other words
life between us differs
by interpretation.
I know
that I understand what I understand.
I see what I see
and think what I think
and I understand
that my version is skewed
or perhaps twisted
or distorted by my biased assumptions
and therefore,
the two who look at the same picture
come up with two different conclusions.
I suppose
this is just life
Which leaves me to wonder
where are we now
or how are we now that we realized
we saw things
differently
or from two different perspectives
Or, maybe this is another thing
which I call a character flaw
and my listening skills
were muted
by a trigger in my personal
concern.
By the way,
no one assumes
they’re being selfish,
but when honesty prevails
we see the truth
like it
or not.
95)
People have told me
you have to give time
the time it needs
to make the magic work.
Change is not instant
and neither is improvement
and sometimes
change can be a lifelong process,
especially when we fail to learn
the first (second, or third)
time around.
I know that I have been told
that awareness takes time
and so does maturity
and so does improvement
and thus,
our awareness of the need to improve
is going to take time
and yes, time needs time
to make the magic work.
But,
why now be honest?
Why not say what’s on our minds, at times,
because waiting is a bitch.
Or, maybe it’s me.
Maybe I am the sum
or I have become
either the common,
or the least common denominator
and therefore, maybe it’s me
or maybe I don’t fit
or maybe I forgot to take it slow
and so, in my haste
to make something happen,
I am impatient
and impatience leads me to frustration
and frustration leads to resentment
and resentment leads me
to rage, to which
the fallout comes on those
who never signed up for this
or never asked for it
and certainly
the fallout comes on those
who never deserved it.
Do you know what I call this
form of selfish, self-centeredness?
I call it honest.
I call me human
and I call this out
to reduce the weight
and to reach upwards
to improve myself
one day
at a time.
I could look to find blame
or I could point fingers
or accuse
but in the end,
what purpose does this serve
and
to what avail?
I could be angry
or I could say that
life is unfair.
I could react and I could
wage war.
Or, I could breathe
and I could reestablish my foothold
and give my shot at sanity
one more try
before I lose my shit
one more time
and hurt someone else
or me . . .
96)
I do not blame
because blame has no benefit
and in the end,
what happened
is what happened,
and therefore, pointing fingers
or assigning fault
or accusing someone else
for something within
is both inaccurate
and emotionally
irresponsible.
Either way,
finding out who to blame
does not change the fallout
or change the situation.
No, this is just a need to find
accountability even when accountability
is inaccurate because sometimes,
life falls apart
and so do we.
And, so,
in response to the recent fallouts
or in response to life
as it appears,
I can do one
of two things.
I can blame and bitch
or I can complain
and talk about how life
is unfair,
or, I can pull my pants up
one leg at a time,
and be a big boy for a change
(instead of being a bitch)
I can accept my part,
and take the time I need
to learn to improve.
I can do the following:
Remove pride
remove ego
remove the need to be right
or at least, “not wrong,”
and next, I have to reconcile with “self”
before stepping forward.
Forgive me, but . . . .
I am only a man.
Nothing better
nothing worse
nothing ventured
nothing gained.
Nothing changes
if nothing changes
and hence
this is why
I believe in an honest assessment
to come to a constructive conclusion,
to coincide with the side of me
who wants to believe
and who wants to improve.
There is no blame
nor a need to point fingers because
the important fingers
need to point inwards first
before we learn to improve.
The Written Addiction 