110)
I see them differently, and perhaps
this is what makes a difference
when we speak.
Either way,
I do not look up nor down,
nor am I better,
or worse.
I am only me,
a man, a searcher,
a traveler, and a person,
and so,
I am as imperfect as anyone else,
yet, I am hired to speak
or to somehow inspire or motivate
a classroom of mental health hopefuls
and help them see their journey
from a new
or different perspective.
Or at minimum,
this is my goal.
This is what I am for,
to make the idea of not being normal
as normal as anyone else could be.
In all fairness,
I do not know what normal is
to you nor am I sure
what normal is to anyone else.
I don’t know what Sunday dinner
looks like in someone else’s house
or if there are Sunday dinners
and if there is,
is this loud?
Is the banter sarcastic
and is sarcasm their first language
or is sarcasm to someone else,
simple, of just mild to me,
and thus, would I find their tabletop arguments
mild or quiet?.
I do not know what culture
looks like through someone else’s eyes
nor do I know
or understand what it feels like
to live in someone else’s skin.
But still,
if there is help out there,
and if someone in this class
wants to be helpful to others,
then, how do we become
culturally cohesive
instead of culturally biased?
How do we open ourselves up
to listen to someone
and hear what they say
instead of listening to someone
so we know how to respond?
111)
I have never been a woman,
and with the exception of one time,
and aside from a one time attempt
to wear a costume on Halloween,
and dress like a woman –
I do not know what it means
to dress like a woman,
nor can I say that I have succumb
to the pressures of being a woman,
nor can I say that I know which make-up
to buy
or wear, and aside from hearing
“you’re not supposed to wear white
after Labor day,” to which
I am told this has been changed, somehow;
even still, I do not know about the trends
or the fashions challenges that women face
nor do I know what to do
or what to wear, to both accentuate
and positively display the better parts
of the woman’s body—however, I do remember
reading that low-rise jeans
are good for women with big hips,
to which I say,
I am a body positive fan,
which means I believe
the body is intended to have curves
and for me, I like this.
I like curves
and
I love hips so . . .
I must say
that my love has curves, and to me, my love
is picture perfect, but then again
my view is up to me, and as for my love,
I cannot say that I know
what she sees
when she sees herself in the mirror.
All I know
is how the saying goes
which is men are from Mars
and women are from Venus, or
at least, supposedly,
we are told that we are all so different
which we are; however,
perhaps we are far less different
than our situations may imply . . .
112)
I am not sure
what to wear nor
am I sure
what looks good
or how to look cool
or at least in my eyes, — perhaps,
I should share with you
a moment before leaving
when I have to dress up,
or wear something appropriately
and dress in a way
that fits an occasion.
I hate these things.
For example,
I might have an outfit in mind,
and maybe I can see myself in this
and maybe I might look good
or as good as I can look
But—
when the moment comes,
I put on the outfit,
and I see myself in the mirror
which is not as good as I had hoped,
and so . . .
I try on a different outfit,
which begins a downward spiral
to where, I try something else on,
and then I see myself,
and I immediately change
because that outfit doesn’t work for me
and then I try on another
and another
and another, and . . .
after an hour or maybe more
of trying on different outfits,
I find myself back in the original outfit
and looking in the mirror,
still, with something amiss.
I have shared this
in some of my classroom presentations
to a sea of nodding heads
and there is often a glaze or a semi-smile
on the faces of the nodding heads
because finally
someone out there
said something that no one else says
or has the balls
or the bravery to admit
or discuss.
I don’t know
what it’s like to be you
or to be anyone else . . .
and I don’t know how draining it is
to live in your world
or to feel insecurity through
your senses.
I only know
what it’s like to be me,
which is fine,
because somewhere
in the uncommon
commonalities of people,
there is a core and relatable aspect
to which we all want to be,
think and feel valid
or, at minimum,
we all want to be validated.
At least I know
that I do
and I assume
that you do too,
no?
113)
No one ever believes me
when I tell them
that I am afraid of people
or how I am always afraid
of being hurt
or blindsided and “found out”
or exposed and humiliated,
to the point that if anyone in the world
who knew me, or if someone ever came along
to the younger me in my past
and told me, “someday,
you are going to do public speaking,”
I would probably throw up
just by the thought of this.
At the same time,
if you were to find the younger version
of me, and if you would tell me
that one day, I would expose these truths
or openly tell the world
how I live with different forms of social anxiety
or that I would openly talk
about medicated resistant depression
or if someone would tell me
that I would be a keynote speaker
or stand and be called a toastmaster,
or that I would be considered
inspirational, or that I would be
a motivational speaker,
I’d have introduced myself to you
and said “hi, have we met?”
And then,
I would immediately
go into a sad tailspin
because deep within my heart,
I always knew that I wanted to be helpful
or that I always wanted to show people
that, yes, you can disprove the lies
that you taught yourself
and
you can be
better than you ever believed
you could ever possibly be.
114)
I love these two words
to “normalize”
and “humanize”
the fact that we are all recovering
from something, and to know
or to change the atmosphere
from the need to protect ourselves
from feeling vulnerable
to making it okay
to just be you—
This is heroic
in my opinion.
I suppose there is a kid out there
who, like me, or who like I was
or like I used to be,
or there is someone out there now
who has the same struggle
when trying to “look good”
when putting an outfit together –
male or female, human, or otherwise,
it’s good to know that we are not so crazy
and no matter what out circumstances imply,
we are all unique, but we are all similar
in the sense
that we all have needs, wants,
dreams and aspirations,
and for the record
my dreams are mine
yours are yours
and neither of them
need to be the same
for us to understand
one another . . .
It’s okay to be different.
And to me,
I would call this refreshing . . .
We don’t have to be the same
but if we want to help,
then we have to learn
how to listen—as it is
we already live around too many people
who listen to respond
and act like “they know”
instead of listening to hear
the truth from someone’s heart.
I don’t need to have the answers,
but if I want to be helpful
I have to know how to listen
and follow the boundaries
that people set up.
This is my goal
in a presentation
coming soon.
The Written Addiction 