120)
For all it’s worth,
I have always wanted to be
something colorful –
you know?
I have always wanted to be
someone beautiful
but not deceiving
or deceptive to the eye
whereas,
I have always wanted to be good,
or someone to know,
as in,
I have always wanted to be
someone to be proud of
or someone to love
or, if I may,
I have always wanted to be
good
or just better . . .
It is not beyond me to sin
or to have secrets
nor is it beyond me
to be delicate
or even fragile
when, in fact,
as I’ve always been,
I will always be, and thus;
if I will always be,
then please,
allow me to be someone better
or colorful.
Let me be like the sky
when first light hits
and for the moment
at the break of dawn
we are all young again
and we are all like kids,
once more,
shooting marbles
while little girls play jacks
and dreamers dream,
and me?
I am colorful, just like the dawn
and I am just like
when the sky changes its face
like the way the horizon looks
over the beach at Point Lookout
or behind the building
at 100 Lincoln Road,
Miami Beach.
I have roots there . . .
remember?
121)
It would be dishonest
or should I say,
it would be remiss
or inaccurate of me to say
that I am sane
or that I am incapable
of losing my mind
ad it would be a lie
to say that no,
I’m not crazy
Because . . .
I am.
I am crazy
Absolutely.
It is funny to laugh
but it is equally true
to think about the tears
that we hide with smiles
to keep from the truth
and to throw the scent from the dogs
so that we can stay alive
one more night
and live through the chaos
and the madness
in our minds.
I am that one.
I am that lost child.
I am him,
the scape goat,
and yes, I am the beaten one, afraid as ever
and I am the active ingredient
of my own toxic truth, to which
I am the sum of my fears
and the compilation of outcomes,
events, moments, and I am the aftermath
of memories
and more, I am the aftermath of trauma
and I am me, scars and all,
both visible and true,
unseen and valid;
but either way,
I am him, the weathered
and the misplaced,
the misguided
and, of course,
I am the misunderstood commotion of madness,
and lastly
I am the misperception
of self-sabotaged moments to where,
I am the one who screams in silence
and acts out in volumes, loud as can be,
and I am the obvious one,
shouting from my voiceless moments
so loud that even the heavens
can hear my discontentment.
122)
I know that I can be good,
and I know that I can be better.
I know that I am the difference
between good and evil,
and thus,
I know because
I am the evil that exists
and I am the hope;
I am the despair,
and I am distance
between the world
and me
or should I say that, yes,
I know that I am the distance between
you and I,
and that yes, I know
that I am the milk and honey
and that I am the tyranny,
the travesty, and I am the truth,
the light
and the way.
I am the loveless and the lost
and I am the lover of all
the hopefully, soulful
and soon
I aim to be sewn
like the seeds
from the ground;
and next, I will be the growth,
the life
and the fruit from the vine.
I am all of this
and more, yet
with all that I am
I am missing
one thing above all:
you
Colorful
beautiful
or not, I am nothing
without you — or, if anything,
I am only muted
and colorless,
because the truth is
I am only beautiful
around you.
Princessa ~
The Written Addiction 