127)
I often find myself
thinking about the summertime in fall
or the winter in spring
or how the seasons somehow
overlap and leave behind a mood
or a feeling, which leaves
behind memories of times
that came around once
but there will never be
again.
Take the summer
for example, or think about
the last day before the season closes.
Mother Earth sends hints
to tell us that the wind is about to change
and that soon enough
the weather will change too, and next
the sands at the beach
will be empty of its travelers and, somehow,
the Northeastern shores will
become like a ghost town.
Seasonal friendships will vacate
and leave the beach
with only hints of life
or remnants of activity that are left in the sand,
like tiny broken shovels left behind by little kids
who tried to build sandcastles
up to the sky.
I often drive to the beach in winter.
I suppose I do this
for several reasons.
And first, I suppose I go because
I love it this way
when the beach is empty,
and I can let go
or tell my secrets to the sky
or see the footless prints in the sand
which is like God telling me,
“it’s okay, son. We are alone.”
and, “You can talk now.”
I can say what I need to
or hear what I need
if I can listen,
that is.
Maybe I go because
I know how it feels to be forgotten
or how it feels to be momentarily important
and hence, I understand
what it feels like to be forgotten
when the benefits run out;
whereas, the summertime visits
are great and the sands
are filled with bodies
and families, and the waves
are perfect enough to swim
or ride and body surf into the shallows.
Everyone is around
when the sun is out.
You find out who your true friends are
when it rains
or storms,
or when your seasonal benefits
become fleeting, and next
the fun just isn’t the same.
I know how this feels
to be left behind
or to be seen as seasonal
or only momentary.
Maybe I go to the beach in winter
because there is a connection
that I am unwilling to let go of
and maybe this is even more
than something typical
or something annual to me.
Maybe this is my place of peace
or my place
where I go
when I need to heal,
even if the wounds are unending,
somehow, the waves know what to do.
I like to make sure that I go to the beach
when no one is around, or when the seasons
are less than beneficial.
I go here
just to let the tides know, don’t worry
I will never forget you
or what you’ve done
or how you’ve always welcomed me
or how you’ve always made me feel
(at home)
and to me, true love is never fleeting
nor can true love be damaged
or destroyed.
If it is damaged
or destroyed,
then it was never true love at all,
and, somewhere, the dishonesty
finally made its way to the top
. . .and left a mark.
128)
Of course change can come
at any second, or at any minute,
or at any hour or at any day.
And no one knows what to expect
and even when we do,
life comes along
to teach us to expect the unexpected.
Everything comes with its good and bad
and nothing good
ever comes without risk,
and no one gets through life
without heartbreak.
I say we all need someplace to go
or a place of peace, or like a sanctuary
or place of worship, or as it is to me here,
in this place in my mind
which it has taken me decades to build,
yet, I have torn this place down
at least a thousand times,
but to my defense,
there is still something inside of me
or more,
there is still a spark or a piece of light
which beams within me,
which means, of course,
that no darkness can ever prevail.
I will never go down
because somehow and despite the times
or the moments when life changed
too drastically or I was hit too hard
and the pain took over; still,
I have you in my heart
and in my dreams, in my soul,
my spirit, and regardless of the season,
I know that your warmth is always here
with me.
The tides rise and fall,
which, if you recall,
I’ve always said that this appears
to be the chest of Mother Earth
as she breathes.
Or think of the rise and fall
in the chest of a child,
sleeping and dreaming,
and when the breath goes in
the chest goes up,
and when the breath goes out,
the chest goes down.
I see life can be this way too,
or just like when the tides come in
and the waves are high and happy;
I see this as a momentary gain
or something to remember,
or something to keep our spirits up
when the tides go flat
and the waves crash.
I see this as important to realize
because this is the cycle of life
which reminds us that it’s okay,
it’s just a momentary glitch
and not to worry
because despite the rains
or the waves that seem tired,
the sun is still above
and the tides, like us,
are cyclical.
See?
No one says
we have to be miserable forever.
This is why we make memories
or why we do things together
so that no matter what,
we know that yes,
“We had a time!”
and nothing can change
this part of our past,
— not even the future
or the unfortunate absence
thereof.
129)
There is more in store,
and soon enough
the seasons will change
and the warmer winds
will find their way to New York City.
I am poorer now
yet I have more now
than ever before,
because despite the disappointment
and the hurt
or painful understandings that life changes
and the waves can crash;
at least I know the truth
(now).
At least I know that I took my chances
good or bad, right or wrong,
the benefit of movement
teaches us that we
cannot stay in the same spot
or live our life with a stagnant regard
and be stuck
or a prisoner.
I remember being told,
if you don’t know what to do
then don’t do anything.
Just hold on . . . .
An opening will come
and so will a realization
and whether the news is good or bad,
or if something becomes unfortunate,
or if the changes become pleasant, either way,
someone once told me
that everything is temporary,
and,
to be honest,
the truth hurts.
But fate knows about these things
and so does destiny,
which is why
I come here, each morning
to speak with you, my most special person,
my life, my heart, my love
and my best friend.
No one can kill me forever
and no one can hurt me forever
and in the end,
I know there will be rain
and I know there will be trips
to the beach, alone, or sad
or gray, like it is
beneath a lugubrious sky,
just before the big rainfall
which is Mother Earth weeping,
which is sad because Mother knows
she can’t always help.
I suppose
this is why I love the beach when it’s empty.
I can speak with the ever-loving Mother
and I can allow my thoughts to escape
or to reach out to my Father
who I envision is out there, somewhere
at sea.
I can say hello to my dreams
and reflect on my memories
and I can smile
because, yes,
I had a time.
I had a place
and in my heart, no matter where we go
I will always have love in my heart
for you, and while I can’t promise
the sun, I can promise you this –
No one has the piece of me
that you do.
I can’t offer much
but
I can guarantee you that.
“I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over.”
The Written Addiction 