133)
It is crazy to say
or to think about
or to realize
and at the same time,
no one knows who they
are to someone else.
I have no idea
what the concept of touch feels like
from your hand
and, at the same time,
I cannot see color
from your perspective
or know the comfort of sound
to your ears,
or the taste of food
on your tongue.
I am me
and you are you
and we are not the same
even if we are similar,
or what we believe is identical,
I am me,
you are you
and I have no way of knowing
what you see,
think, feel
or believe.
I know what I am told
and I know what I have been taught
and, as well, I know about
my own perceptions, which
I also know that perception is not truth;
therefore, my perception
is only true to me.
I know what I think
and I know that we all have our own
hang-ups and delusions of self.
I know that we all have insecurities
and there are things about me
which I assume you see
such as my invisible scars
or the crookedness of my grin,
the different shape of my eyes,
or my ears, and while you might not see this,
my assumption is that everyone sees’
the imperfections
which I have always tried to hide.
I am told we are one of four versions.
I am told that
we are who we are
and we are who we think we are
and then we are who
we assume others believe we are
and then
we are who others say we are.
I want to be none of this.
And for years now,
I have been searching
and digging
and learning
to find out
about the best version of me.
I have lived in the assumption
or predictions
that put me down
or, I have lived in accordance
with the insults
or the hurt feelings
and inaccurate ideas
that dictate and determine who I am
simply because, out of anger,
someone told me
this is who you are
(you loser!)
I need to retrain myself
or to rerun
and remember what Sean Stephenson said:
Never believe a prediction
that doesn’t empower you . . .
134)
I was listening to a meeting
at work and while
admittedly
i wasn’t listening all too closely,
I was listening to people
discuss about “our potential,”
which can improve
as long as we improve
and thus,
we can grow, we can evolve
and change, adapt, and remove
the limitations or the ceilings above our head;,
or if we remove the cognitive distortions
or if we wipe away
the thinking errors
and remove the inaccurate perception
of ourselves,
we can go, be, do,
and we can move far beyond the limits
or our sorry expectations.
135)
I do believe that timing has a way
of finding us
when we need it most.
I believe that people
come in our life,
just when we needed them to
or that someone can come along
out of nowhere,
and, out of nowhere
we receive a sign, or a word
or a message itself
which tells us,
hey, you matter far more
than you believe you do.
“Come, let me show you something,”
And just like that
we find proof
that we are better than who
we assumed we are.
I see us investing too deeply
in people, places, and things
and thus,
or at least as I see it,
I saw there are three investments
that can either save us,
or rip us apart.
In either direction
the three investments
are the same –
People, places, and things.
We have to know
when to walk away
and we have to understand
when to lean forward
or hold on
and never let go.
We have to understand
our interaction between others;
and, we have to own our side of the street;
we have to regard a life
and an understanding
of interpersonal loyalty.
And, no, not everyone is honest
or loyal
even when we assume someone
is the most honest
a person can be,
even that person can be dishonest
or lie to your face
without so much as a flinch.
I have seen what dishonesty does,
and while
I have no right to claim
that I am always honest
or fair,
I have also felt the fires
from being burned
by someone else,
and while burned by their lies
or burned by the humiliation
that who I thought I was to them
was inaccurate to me
or while coming to the realization
that I am not as important as I thought,
at least not to them,
I have to come to the understanding
that who I am
has nothing to do with anyone else.
Their lies are their life
and my lies are mine.
All of this can stop
at any minute
as soon as I choose to be honest
about myself
or what I’ve done.
Therefore, and I say this again,
I make mistakes
mistakes do not make me.
Not everyone who smiles
is a friend
and not everyone who promises
their love is wholesome
or true,
and sadly, and sometimes fortunately,
everyone has their own agenda
and everyone has their own needs
and their own wants to be satisfied,
and, just because someone tells you
this is who I am,
it is important to remember
that this doesn’t mean
this is who they really are.
People, places, and things.
Do you see?
Do you understand more about your
investments now?
I have lived with lies
for way too long
and I have been dishonest
disloyal
and in the end,
and due to a selfish agenda
or need to somewhat survive
(or so I thought),
I have hurt others
and I have hurt myself.
And for the record
do you know what this makes me?
The answer: Human.
At least I am honest about my dishonesty
At least I claim my mistakes
At least I can say, yes,
this was me then
and at least I can come here
and I can improve
so that one day
I can say that was me then
but this is me now.
Some people will never dare
to climb this hill,
But that’s on them
Not me
136)
Somewhere beneath the lies
and the bullshit
is a source of misinformation.
This is where the lies come from.
This is where the cognitive distortions
and the thinking errors come from
and yes, this is where our
inaccurate assumptions of ourselves
come from a source
or from an experience,
and this is where we can either heal
or improve from our foundation
and get better from the ground up – or
we can remain the same,
or live with a poor, or false perception of self
and we can believe the worst about us
instead of the best.
And please,
be advised,
there will always be someone
in your life
waiting for you to breathe out
so that they can breathe in.
There will always be someone in your life
who wants you to believe that everything is your fault
so they can live
guilt free.
There is always someone
who looks for the voluntary hostage
and there is always someone
out there eager to be the hostage
themselves — to which,
this is the land of codependence
and this is the way the world turns
collaboratively.
This is where the caretaker
seeks the bird with the broken wing
and where the one with the broken soul
comes to find the resources
or someone who gives away their life
even if it leads them
to an emotional death
and yes, this is how we can keep
each other sick.
And so,
I have been the bird with the broken wing
and I have been the broken soul
who stole like a parasite,
and I have been the caretake
who had been taken advantage of,
and I have been someone
who gave his life
up, until the hour of an emotional death.
I never want to be dying alive
again.
I have lost enough
and I have lied enough
and yes, I have been lied to enough
and, at this point,
if I may,
I want to meet my real life
on a fair and equal ground,
because life does not happen accidentally
and I am not where I am
by accident.
No.
I am here because of where I was
and where I was is not where I want to be
anymore.
I want to be better
I want to be pure.
I want to give love, share love,
and wipe away the errors of my thinking
so that at some point,
I can be me
and never worry about who I am
or if anyone out there
is going to accept me as I am
or hurt me,
or look to advance
and take away
all that I’ve worked for.
I have to tell you
Life in the mind of an overthinker . . .
it’s a bitch to be here
But this is why I’m here
so,
I can get out
The Written Addiction 