And so, yeah, I did “a thing,” or something happened, or I have some things that have some value. “A thing” is like a figure of speech to me, or maybe this is more like a New York City thing.
I don’t know.
However, I do believe that we are a society and a world defined by the things we say or do. I believe that we are socially defined by the things we have or don’t.
Or we are people who have been changed and our lives are forever altered by the things that happen to us or for us. We are moved by the things around us. Also, we are inspired and motivated by the people around us.
I am not so sure that I believe in happenstance or that life is compiled of random, meaningless events. I am a believer that everything happens for a reason, or even better, there is a reason why everything happens.
I believe in the word consequence, which is neither positive or negative, but like energy or electricity, consequences are like electric surges or charges in life. Next, consequences are the end result of an action, a word, or the refusal to do or say anything.
Electricity is agnostic and does not care which god we pray to, nor does electricity care if we pray at all. Sometimes, you get shocked. Life goes this way.
That’s all.
Consequences are the same, in a sense. Some are deserved. Some consequences might be undeserved or extreme. All we can do is fend for ourselves, as best as we can, live as best as we can, and reject the damages that come with everyday life, as best as we can.
Sometimes all we can do is take cover, protect what needs protecting, and thus, we need to remember that nothing can kill us forever (unless we let them).
I want to go back to that idea that I was told about searching for beautiful things. I want to go back to thinking about the five most beautiful things that we see each day, or the list can be higher, if you want.
I want to put this thought into action and spend more time looking for beautiful things.
I want to let this grow and evolve, the same as we grow and evolve.
I realize that beauty changes and evolves, but true beauty never fades. In fact, real beauty defies the degradation of age or weight because real beauty could never be ugly.
And neither could you.
Understand?
It is far too easy to bitch or complain, or when looking back at the details of our life, or when thinking that our life has fallen short, or if we get lost in that idea that we have missed our chance, it becomes all too normal or commonplace to give up. We can become unenthused or lack the zest or the appeal to live, love, laugh and learn to our best potential.
I can say that yes, as a man, I know what beauty looks like, and I know what the absence of beauty “feels” like, or to wake up, alone, dreaming previously but awakening currently to the absence of a body or to a cold emptiness in an otherwise warm and welcoming bed.
At the same time, I can relate to living in the wrong life, which was long ago, or more like another lifetime. I can relate to the coldness or the distance between two bodies who share the same bed, in name only, yet, the personal Siberia in the middle of the bed, or the per chance moment when two legs accidentally touch in the middle of the night, and retract and nearly shrivel after the contact. Furthermore, I can relate to sleeping in a bed like this with the wrong person, and the energy between us was like two dissimilar magnets that repulse or reject each other, constantly, yet we stayed because we made a choice to settle for something neither of us wanted.
(Each other)
I can stand in front of you, willingly, wholeheartedly, and openly, and tell you without uncertainty that love, and life is far more valuable than we realize.
I can say that there are beautiful things around us, everywhere, and despite the ugliness of the loudmouth creatures or despite the lowlifes who push the papers through the gossip mills at the rumor factories, and despite the bullies who come in all different shapes and sizes, or regardless of the sadness, the sicknesses, the untimely deaths, or the pain we feel; I have to say that this world is a beautiful and endless realm of beautiful possibilities.
I need to see it this way.
I just have to.
Even if I am alone
I say this because the alternative can lead me to the unthinkable stress of outrage and anger.
I can tell you that I have seen the most beautiful smile in the world. I have seen the most beautiful girl in the world. I have lived and loved and laughed, and yes, I have learned about life with the most beautiful girl in the universe.
Yes, I have.
I can tell you that I have seen the different shades of beauty and as I have grown, I realize that beauty is a living and breathing thing. This means beauty grows and beauty changes, but nothing beautiful can ever be ugly, at least not if it’s true.
Now, about that thing. . .
I was born to a normal, everyday, and regular dysfunctional family. I was raised with love and like anyone else, I came into this world with people who were taught how to be or live, and had it not been for growth or changes in my life; as I grew, I had to come to a point where maturity took over.
I had to realize that many of the lessons I was taught were either taught poorly or they are simply inaccurate. This is something that needs to be noticed and noted and more than anything, this way of thinking needs to be addressed or updated and changed.
We have to come to a constructive conclusion and realize that not every teaching from our parents or not every lesson we learned is accurate or appropriate.
There comes a time when we have to realize that it’s okay to question or reject the mottos or the lessons we’ve been taught. More than anything, there comes a time when we have to unlearn what we have learned so that we can learn about being better than we were.
I never believed in myself. I never thought that someone like me could be beautiful, nor did I ever believe that I had value, that I was worthy, or that I, as I am, could be or would be desirable enough that someone would choose me out of the billions of others who seemed far more appealing.
And, if someone did, my fear was they settled because they were never able to find their true prince, and so, me, or I, I’d just be that person who was good enough . . . for now.
I do what I do, to get what I can get. This is the way I lived.
However, and previously, I’ve done what I did, and hence, the consequences and the repercussions of my actions have followed my bias and proved how inaccurate thinking can become true.
I have done great things, which is how I hoped to be remembered. However, I have done bad things as well. I have done unthinkable and unspeakable things, and I say this with a bowed head, humble, as if to stand before The Father, Himself, seeking redemption and hoping for salvation.
Yet I understand that not every apology solves the past nor does every forgiveness lead us to become reborn to each other.
More than anyone, no one can punish me forever, except for myself.
No one can put me down unless I allow myself to invest in their insults, and whether a bear shits in the woods, or even if a frog’s ass is watertight, no one can limit me more than I limit myself.
Today is the day after I received life changing news. Someone I knew died by his own hand—and he and I
“just” spoke recently, as if to me, this was the foreshadowed goodbye, without saying goodbye.
Today is another day that I realize that there is truth to the ugliness, but there is more glory and value in the inspiration of the beauty we see around us.
Even better, there is more value in the beauty we can share with each other.
There’s a song called Dogwood Blossom and the lyric that sticks out to me in this song is, “There’ll be hell to pay in Heaven.”
To me, this means I have to start living because the hour is always later than we think.
This means I have to stop running away or being afraid, and this means I have to do me and try more. Even more, this means I need to shed my previous skin so that I can shine and be more beautiful than I thought possible.
And if I’m being honest, I don’t have to be beautiful to everybody.
I just want to be beautiful to you.
That is, of course, if you’ll have me.
The Written Addiction 