And Oh, About That Thing

Today needs to be brief.
I think there needs to be a way to break the tension. We have to move away from the frustration. Otherwise, we’ll all go nuts!
And then what?
I think there needs to be a way to break free from the angst or the disappointment. I think there needs to be a clear line in the sand, as if to say “that’s it.”
That’s all, and no more.
I’m not going to stand by and let this one go.

I say this in full awareness and with an open heart. I say this as someone who wants more than the humdrum of an average or everyday life.

There is more than one path to choose from. My friend chose one path, but this path is not the way for me. No, I want more.
At the same time, my wants and needs are not extravagant.
I want the dream. Plain and simple.
This takes work and honesty.
This means humbleness, and this will take some bumps and bruises, ups and downs and I will find myself going through peaks and valleys. But what can I say?
I want what I want.
Better yet, the heart wants what the heart wants.
Understand?

This means I want the idea.
I want the life, and the love, the names and places and all the beautiful details that coincide with the pictures and dreams that I have built in my heart.
I want to be who I’ve always wanted to be, without a disguise or fear that someone might see me, and use my truths as ammunition to destroy me.

I want to sit at an outside restaurant after a midday stroll and feel the sun come down from the sky. I want to point my chin up just to let the warmth touch upon my face.
But more, I want to have this happen with the confidence of my company, meaning you, my true love, which is more meaningful to me than anything else in this world.

I can say that I have seen too much. I can say that I have seen enough to make a man turn bad, or crazy and weak.
I can say that I have tried to keep myself a secret, which means I never dared this much, and I never dared to open my heart or expose my chest. But this was my before.
And now, I am here to find my after.
This is now, which is after the way things have been and after the sad and tragic news of people dying.
I have to ask myself, what am I going to do about now?
I realize that I am living on borrowed time.
In fact, we are all living on borrowed time.

Nothing is promised and tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Nothing is guaranteed. All we know is there is a beginning, a middle, and an end to everything.

Happiness does not come with a guarantee.
Neither does life and neither do I.
But, I’m here.
And this is worth something.

No, I don’t come with a guarantee. As humbly as I can record this to you, I want to enjoy life. I want to live, love. laugh and learn. I want to go places and do things.
I can’t say that I won’t mess up.
I can’t say that I won’t make a mistake or make the same mistake again.

Chances are, I have a few good “fuck-ups” left in me.
But who doesn’t?
I want to see the world in a different way.
I want to take a boat ride and go fishing and show the true love of my life anything and everything she wants to see; and more, I want to let my life flow, back and forth, without worrying about how the day will end, or if she will still love me the day after next.

I have lived the wrong way for too long. I have held my fears and my old memories that served no purpose. I was too afraid to take a chance or show myself, and more, I was too afraid to experience life.
I have always said that no one ever showed me how to have fun or how to laugh without worry.
I was afraid of this because, in the end, I was afraid to smile and let go.
Moreover, I was afraid of what happens when the smile goes away. Hence, so would love, and then what? How do you go on about your life after you have seen and touched, or smelled, tasted, or experienced the best in this world, and then just go on, as if it’s gone and say, well, at least I tried, or at least it’s in my heart.
No.
That’s not enough for me.
I want more.

I started this new journal because my friend decided to take his own life.
I know what this means. I understand this from a different perspective.
Better yet, I understand this from my own perspective, which is childlike and frightened, like a timid little boy, too bullied to come out and play, too picked on to share his real thoughts or feelings, and way too hurt to let go of the pain, and finally, I was dying alive in fear that the bullies would come back and laugh at me again.

Time moves and the hour is later than we think.
I have heard this said a million times before.
But I have to say this now.
I have to live before I die.

Now is the time to make my move.
I need to get ready for the tail end of what needs to become the greatest American comeback of all times.

I’m ready for this.
Alone or not.
It’s time to make a change . . .
and find where I belong.