I suppose there is a lot that goes overlooked. And maybe this is me. Or maybe this is something common. Maybe I can say this is relatable and that others can understand where I am coming from with this.
For example, I know that we all have moments, achievements, memories and victories. we all have good things that go overlooked. We have resources and favors that are often taken for granted.
Safe to say that I often fail to see the glass is half-full. I fail to see the good or the benefits that come from simple things. Then again, perhaps I am not alone when it comes to this.
Am I?
Safe to say that I fail to recognize the basic miracles, which is that I am still alive and well, and that somehow. I fail to note down that my body still works, for the most part.
My heart beats, my lungs work, and despite the aches and pains, or the wear and tear, and the milage on my body, I am in good shape.
I have some things to be proud of when it comes to this.
I have been able to keep my body at a healthy weight, which is not to say that I have not used medication or supplements; however, it is me who gets up at around 3:30 in the morning, to start my day, or to come here and let my voice go, so that my soul can be free.
I think there is something to be said about this.
I am far from where I want to be in this life. There are some toys that I would like to acquire and a few more things that I would like to accomplish.
I have a few goals in mind, and there is a purpose for me.
I’m sure of this.
I know that I am not going to have the life I thought I would have. And I might not be where I thought I would be or doing what I wanted to be doing at this point.
At the same time, I have a list of items that I need to be thankful for. I have accomplishments that go unaddressed or unthought of, and I have daily achievements that go unnoticed.
I am someone with flaws and defects of character. And sure, I have shortcomings. I have a long list of them too. Or if you choose, there are some people in my past who would love to give an endless list of what’s wrong with me, and I am sure this is not unwarranted or without reason. At the same time, none of this means that they are right about me.
Then again, none of this means they are wrong either.
But so what.
The pot calls the kettle black. People in glass houses throw stones.
We all have our problems.
And so, with me needing a new direction and looking to find a new project, I can say that I am nearly at the end of this journal.
I can say that while mourning someone, or while mourning the loss of a person, a life, a love, or a place, and while the abyss of real life on real terms can be endless, I can also say that I need to adjust my sights.
I need to change my thinking. I need to change the way I act, which is not to say that everything about me is flawed or wrong.
No.
I think I’m doing okay . . .
However, growth, improvement and awareness are time sensitive. Now is a good time for me to update my thinking.
I have to adjust to the way I live my life. To improve, I have to understand that failures do not make me a failure.
I have to remember that I make mistakes.
Mistakes do not make me.
Therefore, no.
Nothing is perfect.
No one has it all figured out.
Life is life. Death is death, and should we want to live up to our best possible potential, we have to find a way to live without being killed by the common assassins around us.
We have to find out how to endure and how to conserve our energy for the fights that are more important.
I don’t want to argue about who said what, or who is at fault, who’s to blame, and if we live in the fight, then life will be nothing more than a constant battle, and so . . .
I’m one with this.
Therefore, and effective immediately, I resign and surrender my ranks in this so-called emotional warfare.
I surrender. I give up.
I don’t want to fight anymore.
I don’t want to argue.
I want to enjoy things like, how simple life can be when taking a walk where the air is clean, and the winds are calm.
I want to enjoy a black and white movie, perhaps something with Spencer Tracy, like The Old Man of The Sea. Or maybe I could watch the Bells of St Mary’s with Bing Crosby. Or maybe I could watch Angels with Dirty Faces, with James Cagney as Rocky Sullivan and how he meets The Dead-End Kids and shows them that there’s more to life than the heroism of being a reputable gangster.
I want to see purity at heart. I want to smell the inside of the chapel at Chimayo. I want to find that place, somewhere in the middle of the country where the waitress calls me honey and serves me the best peach cobbler I’ve ever had in my life.
I want to put the weapons away. I want to open the doors to the people who understand the feeling of being virtually and emotionally homeless, or otherwise vacant and empty.
I want to find my path and my place.
I want to be able to share this with my one true love, and I wan to do this with no reason to ask for another do-over, and with no regrets, no reservations, and I want to live this way, from now on. With all of my heart and with all of my soul, I want to separate from the anticipation and the impending doom. I want to walk away from common or basic anxieties and let go of my irrational fears and concerns.
I want to remove myself from the social binds which I see or the daily gripes. Most certainly, if I am coasting towards the final quarter of my life, I hereby realize that I am past the age of 52, and should this be the way I head towards my retirement and my final years, then please, God, place me where I am going to be at my best.
Let me die as a good person.
Let me change my steps and my ways.
And let me go with a full heart instead of a questioned soul.
Let me let go without the worries that something is unfit or there’s something wrong with me. Or if I’m asking, let me go without thinking or worrying if I am enough or not.
Perhaps I should see that the people who say I am not good enough for them are simply not good enough for me. Let me change my view. Let me move away from the tables that I need to remove myself from.
I can slide my chair out, stand up, and I can slide my chair back in and just turn around and walk away. I can do this without warning and without the need for the last word.
Yes, I can do this.
I think I’ll call this “my freedom”.
Sure, people lie.
So have I.
People have their own agenda.
So do I.
Let me go, and let me walk, and let me look at the sunrise and see a better purpose for myself.
Let me realize that I am not the enemy nor am I the public enemy.
I am just me.
I don’t know what a list of my accomplishments would look like. But I think this needs to be a task for the next journal.
I still have more to say. But as I said to you in the paragraphs above, I am coming to the end of this journal.
Not yet,
but I’m close.
Okay?
The Written Addiction 