I hit the blue button on my coffee machine twice already . . .
I am told that life always puts us exactly where we are supposed to be. I am told that there is a lesson in everything, every mistake, every turn, and every breath.
I have also had the faithful people tell me, not to worry, because God only gives us what we can handle.
I hate when people tell me this.
I have also heard the rebuttal from the faithless who say this is nonsense. I have heard from those who have faith, yet they struggle to believe. More often, I have heard from the tired, the poor, and the weak who respond, “oh yeah? Well, I wish God didn’t have so much faith in me!”
I get that too.
No one ever asks for a losing hand at the poker game of life. No one asks to be weak. No one asks to have life challenge them. No one asks for heartache or heartbreak, nor has anybody ever asked to have their life turned upside down.
No one wants this, but yet, no one is exempt from change or turmoil. No one gets out of here alive, which means we all have different fights and different points, different views, and different obstacles.
No one is above the laws of fate.
Life happens and thus, the cards we get are the cards we get.
Or, at least so I am told.
In fairness, I have realized something that is comical and unfortunately true.
We are nothing more than trained creatures. We ran when we heard the bells ring.
We assume, based on our biases and our trained assumptions, and sure, we suppose all things are the same — but no two things are exactly alike.
There will never be another day like yesterday and there will never be another shot at today.
Then again, we all know this, at least we should.
I’m breathing now. Then again, of course, I am.
I am standing at the threshold of a brand-new life and facing my existence with a new level of awareness.
However, I am also aware that consequences are consequences and that for every action, there is a reaction.
Everyone has to pay the price of admission. At the same time, it is also fair to point out that there is always someone who will pay your way, with interest of course. In the end, the house always gets paid.
I understand this.
I think we all do.
No good deed goes unpunished. Or so, people have told me. However, I am not one to claim virtue, nor am I so virtuous to say that I am as clean as an undisturbed lake. I am not clear to the bottom.
I am murky and muddy, at times.
I have items to deal with and situations, issues,, crimes and sins, and problems. I am no better or worse and more to the point, I am no different from anyone else in this world.
Life happens, and rain will fall.
The only thing I can do is be prepared.
I am not here to gripe or complain. I have no time for an official grievance or to make an appeal for my sentence, which is my life as it is.
I have no place in my heart for the old riots, at least not anymore.
I find myself moving to the later stations of my life, and so, it would appear to me now that my riots have lost their genius. My arguments have lost their point and my spears have lost their tips.
The fights and anger, along with the rebellions, revenge, and my resentments have done nothing but position me away from the life I have always wanted to live.
I agree that we are free to think or feel in any way we choose. However, as I navigate through the aftermath of changes and disappointment, I realize that there is something to be said about our contributory negligence.
This is the best way to see life. Not everything is “my” fault.
But accountability is essential to improve, to learn, and to live a better life.
And so—
rather than go back to war or fight and argue, I have to forfeit my position. More accurately, I have to separate myself from my ego and fears and humbly, I have to get off my high horse and walk for a while — if you know what I mean.
I remember when someone told me how you can’t save your ass and your face at the same time.
This is true
I was told that yes, you can save your face, but this is a short-term fix.
This is vanity at its simplest, or its best depending upon the sin or the mistake.
I was told that saving my ass can be humbling, which means modestly, which means honesty and the absence of pride. This is why most people chose to save their face because vanity is vain, and so am I (sometimes) and saving your ass means you have to come clean and be honest about your own bullshit.
Do you want honesty?
Okay, then here we go.
Life has a way of teaching us lessons. Only, sometimes we fail to learn. We forget to listen or we think we can sneak by. And so, like any teacher, the lessons become louder or more intense.
This is risky.
The teacher can grow frustrated and next, the lessons can be brutal—and since life is the biggest teacher of all, life can be brutal too, which means I have to pay attention.
I have to learn from my past. I have to learn my lesson.
Otherwise, I might be punished or have to stay after class again, or worse, I might fail and be left back—and then I’ll have to take this lesson all over again, until I get it right.
I have never gone at life on my own. What I mean is, I have always had someone there, or someone with me, or someone to help.
Life is different for me now.
There is nothing wrong with help by the way. It is good to ask for help. However, no one can save me but me, and yes, it’s like we always say to each other: You have to save your own life, every day, because everyone else is too busy saving their own.
I have to say though . . .
I love this time of year. The weather is changing, and the sky awakens early enough for me to watch the sunrise before I leave for work.
The winds are warmer now.
The summer will be here before we know it, which is fine with me.
I have my share of unanswered questions. I have my bouts with poor decisions. And I have some challenges to work through.
At the same time, I have been here before.
Alone.
I have been down too,
more than once.
I have been knocked back a few steps and I’ve been through the ringer.
This is true.
Life puts us exactly where we are supposed to be.
I am where I am, here, and on my own.
I extend my apologies to where they belong.
But I can’t live me life and be sorry forever, nor can I allow myself to be punished forever.
I have ideas and hopes and dreams.
I have aspirations, inspirations, and coming shortly, I have the motivation of a new sunrise to meet with me, with hopes that I will meet my fate and upcoming future in better shape and in better standing.
I am not opposed to trying or re-trying something again.
I might not have learned my lesson very well,
but that doesn’t mean I’m not willing to learn.
No, this just means I learn at a different level.
Here it comes . . .
the warmth of summer.
I’m looking forward to walking the beach soon.
I want to do this, like when the sun comes up, and before the crowds come around.
I’m tired. I hardly slept.
But the sunrise is about to show itself and, well . . .
Friday decided to make an appearance, so—
I might as well step up and rise to the occasion
and who knows, anything could happen today.
Right?
The Written Addiction 