There are times, like now, when all I can do is let go of the tasks and the thoughts. All I can do is unwind or surrender; and more to the point, sometimes, I can redefine my sanity by unleashing my thoughts in a form of streaming consciousness.
Then again, sometimes, we have to go crazy, just to realize that we are not crazy at all.
We are simply part of something bigger, like fate, which has both a purpose and ends that justify the means. Or, so I hope.
Yes, it is true.
I am further than I thought, yet I am closer to something bigger than myself. Yes, I believe in the benefits of destiny, same as I believe in the gravity of fate.
Something has to weigh me down and keep me grounded.
Something has to teach me. Otherwise, how will I learn about the truth when the lies seem so beautiful?
It is not too far or beyond me to reach for something bigger, nor is it out of the question for me to aspire for more, as in, request something as lifechanging as the greatness of someone else, or the feeling of another palm to match inside the palm of my hand.
As for now, I can sit here as a witness and qualify from my heart that I will never deny another sign or moment of public affection. Let the world see me. And let me see this too.
Let me let go of the thoughts and let me set myself free, by freeing heart, with no holds barred, and no regrets, no apologies, and selflessly, let me let myself be vulnerable, as in free enough to say this is me, like it or not, without fear or worry that maybe something about me is not right or awkward.
It is not wrong of me to realize that reality is always going to play a role in this game. Not to mention, it is not inaccurate to recognize the difference between rational and emotional thinking.
Whereas, I understand life from an intellectual standpoint. I understand that emotion seeks instant gratification, like a child seeking warmth. There is the need for validation, and acceptance, peace and, of course, there is a normal and ongoing concern that disappointment is all too frequent. Oftentimes, disappointments are to be expected.
But, so?
Perhaps this can be true.
Maybe there are times when we find ourselves in the midst of rejection. Or maybe we are caught in the persuasion that comes from the rejective beliefs that something about us is otherwise imperfect. Perhaps there are the ideas of inadequacy and, of course, there will always be the self-absorbed thoughts of insecurity.
But ah, I swear, this is why the world needs an escape.
Or is this only subjective to me and thus, should I say that it is I, as in me, and if this is on me, wouldn’t it be fair of me to say that I need this?
I need an outlet. I need an escape or a place to breathe or cry, scream, or shout at the top of my lungs. I need to let go and say goodbye to the old riots of mine, which lost more than their genius.
My riots lost their meanings long ago.
I just never knew how to relinquish my armor.
This is why there has to be somewhere that the soul can breathe and, yes, there needs to be a place of refuge. There needs to be a place or a sanctuary for the heart.
As for me, I have built this place.
I have built this place, here, to be with the blessings of solitude. Equally, I come here to be with you, and here in my head and in my heart, alone, as usual, I am more than the person I have become.
I am more than the sum of my fears or the calculations of my concerns. I am more than the unfortunate predictions that come from others who would otherwise secure me as weak.
I am more than my own projections, and more than the mistakes, and misdirected anger—and here, at this time and place, I am alive and well in my personal sanctuary.
And I will tell you why.
Do you see this?
This here is my cathedral. And this?
This is my place of peace.
This my time away from the world and this is where I can come to be bulletproof of the critics and safe from the accusations. I come here because I am free from the allegations and protected from judgment. I come here because I believe in the ability or the freedom which comes from the absolving of “self” or that yes, I can be restored like Lazarus and condemned like Copernicus. Therefore, I am the light, the way, and the truth—no one can come from my Father, like me.
It is early Sunday, and I am here on my side of the globe. As usual.
The warmth and the thaw from winter has begun and the breeze is fairer than the sharpness of its earlier wind in February.
It’s okay to let go of the cold.
It’s okay to find warmth.
I am here. Hopeful.
Wishful. Aspiring.
Dreaming. Unfolding.
I am here.
I am far more than my previous beliefs allowed me to be.
I am more than the moment. I am more than my words as they appear while I type this to you, and I am more than where I am in this world, more than a man, more than a person who lived, and above all, I am more than the assumptions that I can only survive if I am wealthy, or if I drive a certain car or live a certain way.
Everything comes and goes and, yes, wealth is part of this too, and so are people, so are places, and so are the things we lose. Items can be like sands through the fingers of a tight grip.
You can’t hold everything forever and sometimes, we grip so tightly that we can’t hold anything at all.
So, let go . . .
I have not come here for approval. I have not come here for fans or for anything other than a moment of reprieve.
I have not come here because I am healthy and not because I am sick. No, I have come for the truth. I am here for the light and the way.
I am here to release myself.
I am here with hope that my change is about to ignite, like a spark that starts the flame. And soon, as in shortly, fate will allow me the chance to dance beside the body of my counterpart, or my other half, and while I bow my head, humbly, as if to request this in prayer, I offer myself up to the hands of fate and destiny and so; I surrender my will up to the stars so that the universe will hear me, and soon, so will you.
Life is not meant for existing.
No, life is meant for living.
There is no more dying alive.
There are no more lies or false promises. As of now, in completion of this entry or message to the heavens, I submit my sins, my guilt, my regrets and my misgivings.
Further, to reach my next station or level of awareness, I exhale the sediments of my unwanted life. I am here to let this go, like an outgoing tide, so that I can inhale and take in the waves of hope that something different is about to happen.
Something beautiful is about to take place.
I have to say this to manifest that yes, fate and destiny have more instore for me. And yes, as always, I know there is love out there for me—even if that love is only within, then fine.
Let this be within me to heal, to hope, and to have the right to step forward without the weights from my demons or the regrets from my past.
Here comes the sun . . .
And once more, like The Son, somehow—
I have risen
. . . again.
The Written Addiction 