A Box Beneath the Bed

Thoughts have a way of becoming real.
I know this. And so do you. Or at least I think you do.

We can think ourselves into hysteria.
I know this is true because I can see this in myself.
However, if this is true, then it must be true that we an think ourselves into a better life, or think of better ways. If this is true, then we can think our way to victory.

I can see when I have thought my way into success, and on the other end, I can identify the times when my predictions were unkind and unfair.
Sure, I can see how thoughts can become habitual.
Of course, I can.

I can see how our thinking has an impact on the way that we feel and how this affects our moods. Of course I can see how this changes our emotional content, and yes, I can see how this caused me to expect failures and letdowns.
But this is me.
I can see how my thinking has affected the way I am, or the way I am with other people. In the personal depths of anticipation or sad expectations, I can see how believing in the worst can leave me in the worst of mindsets. Then suddenly, the sky is falling, everyone is against me, no one cares, no one can help, and next, I’m losing my mind, worse than ever before.
This can be habit.
So is quitting.

I can feel this as I write this to you. I can feel the discomfort as I explain about my anxiety. I can feel the dark, coldness, and the shame of being inadequate or inefficient, insufficient, or worse, I can feel the rejection of being a failure or that I will always be seen as a mental reject or loser.
Hence, the stigma behind depression and anxiety disorders, which I have both.

I can feel the stress of my anticipatory fears that something bad is about to happen—and next, everyone will see me and say “look see? I told you he was a loser.” when in fact, I’m really not so important that others think of me so often or monitor my successes or failures.
But that’s ego for you . . .
A porcelain doll or figurine, weak as ever, yet we act strong as if we are unbreakable. But no, we are all easily broken.
I suppose the real question is if you break, what are you going to do with your broken pieces?
Fit them together?
Or forever be the victim?

I understand the thoughts of anxiety.
You can’t breathe, and you can’t get the weight from your chest.
I understand what it’s like to have an anxiety attack, which is not the same as a panic attack because panic can come from nowhere—anxiety is stressor based, and anxiety has a way of allowing that stress to kill minutes, hours, days, and even lifetimes.

I have been told to expect the best and prepare for the worst.
However, I am not sure if my system can always process this correctly.
I tell you the mind is the trick. This is our problem.
This is the epicenter of our personal madness and yes, we can think our way into being sick, crazy, or sad.

Think your way into a loss
or think our way into success.
I agree. This is a choice.

I received a phone call a few months back. This call was for an interview. I remember the conversation. I remember how well the phone interview was and in my head, I decided that I am going to earn this position.

I remember thinking I am going to get this job, and I am going to make it mine, which I did.
I remember the interviews that followed, which I was told the leadership team called me impressive.

I was not afraid of their questions or their scenarios. I decided that I was going to allow myself to be me and that I was going to utilize my experience.
I made an agreement with myself.
Since their need at the time was to find someone who made up for their inexperience, I decided to share my experience, thoughts, and ways to overcome their immediate challenges.
Hire me or not, this is what I would do in your position . . .
I suppose they must have appreciated this approach.
They liked my thoughts and ideas.

Whether this was a trick or not, my plan must have worked because I have been with this team for six months now, and the best part is that I’m growing, building, and I’m doing well.

This is great, right?
Of course . . .

This is real too.
Do you know what else is real?

My ability to think my way into expecting an upcoming problem, or worse, or when it comes to fears and insecurity, or when it comes to that good, cold, common problem called “imposter syndrome” I find myself afraid and insecure that eventually, they’re going to realize that I’m only me.
I’m afraid that they’re going to wake up and realize that anyone can do my job — no, really, there’s no trick to this and there’s nothing so hard. But at the same time, I have prepared and executed jobs, saved my employers money, showed them faster more efficient ways to run their commercial properties, and I’ve made a friend or two along the way.

A good friend of mine told me that I need to stop selling myself short.
I have been told that I need to show more confidence. And yes, I agree.
I can see how I think my way into failures and how insecurity loves to annunciate our inability and worries, and eventually, a time of rejection and humiliation will come because, more than anything, beliefs can be habits and believing that everything we touch is ruined can lead us to habitual failures. This is what lead us to an idea like, hey, why bother?
Everything I touch turns to shit anyway, right?

Wrong!

Man is as he believes. Am I right?
I believed I was going to land that interview and I did.
I believed I was going to enter this position and change the commercial property, to which I was hired as the engineer to protect and improve the facility.
I did that too.

When there’s nowhere left to turn or fall, or when we find ourselves in a place or when no one else can help, no one can change what’s in front of us, and even if we’re not sure what to do—we have to keep working and maneuvering until we come up with a plan. Simply put, we have to “do something”
Even if it’s wrong or even if we make a mistake—we have to try.

Nothing is more broke than broken. If something is broken, I have to try to fix it, and if I can’t fix it, well? It was already broken to begin with. Right?
So now what?

The morning is about to come with new challenges that I will have to face. And yes, I have worries and my anxiety machine is off to the races.
I can take a stand.
I can use my skills and make the necessary repairs and if I can’t do it, oh well, — the damned thing was broken before I started.

Now, I understand change is real. I also understand that I am seen in a much different light in my new position. And that’s great.
I need to let go of what was or what “used to be” because I am not that person anymore.
No, in fact, I built a new home for myself.

I made a choice to land this job.
This means that I need to rise to the occasion
(not to my limitations).

I see people do this all the time, by the way . . . rise to their limitations.
I know that I’ve done this.
Hell yes, I have.
I’m guilty as charged.

“Show them who you are, kid!”
“It’s your turn, son.”
“Earn your place on the center stage and make it yours”

There are people who were/are in my life
and this is what they would tell me.

More than honoring them and more than loving them, today I’m going to listen to them.

The rest is out of my hands.

Okay?