I get in and start the car.
I love it like this.
No one is on the road. The sun is just about to come up and the sky is about to change. I love the way my mind shuts down for the moment, which is not to say that I am not paying attention,
of course I am.
However, early morning drives like this are perfect for me.
I somehow slip away into this semi-aware state of mind.
I know where I’m going, and I know how to speed up or slow down. I know how to signal when I change lanes, and I know when to stop or go.
I know when to exit or when to turn left or right.
At the same time, my body takes over these tasks and my thinking slips into a different gear.
Most of the people on the road at this hour have someplace to go, and I am no different because I have somewhere to go too.
I am at an age when I have to get my hours in at work. I have to secure my future. I have to make sure that my hours pad my retirement funds, and since I am in good health, or healthy enough to do what I do, then I am healthy enough to take advantage of the business opportunities that present themselves to me.
I have come back to my beginning, at least in some way.
I can say that I have been around the world and back again, or perhaps I should realize that I have come back around again, yet I have gone no place differently, as if to move in a full circle, because yes, I agree that life is a cycle.
Sometimes we turn a blind eye, an sometimes we look around and we can see.
No different from the seasons, winter, spring, summer, fall, and just like we spin around the sun, I find myself moving around the same places, only I have different intentions now.
I can let the lies and bullshit from my past be where they are.
I do not have to be bitter or resentful.
I do not have to accuse anyone or blame anything.
I am still me and still living in the same hemisphere, and facing the sun in the same direction — only, I find that as I grow and need to improve, or at the minimum, which is to at least be happy, I realize that I am the heart and soul. Above all, same as I have written to you about this before, I am always going to be the square root to my own equation.
Everything in my life, starts, begins and ends with me.
I understand the interactions of life and the transactions that take place between two people.
I get that part. But still, at the end of the day, I have to face my own reflection in the mirror and come to a constructive conclusion.
In the end, if it is up to me, then my happiness is up to me.
Whether I will be happy or sad or whether I will achieve greatness is up to me.
I can quit now and give up. I can speak about this now, or forever hold my peace, or I can move and make an adjustment. I can decide. I can plan. I can create a way for myself.
I can draw a line in the sand and say, “this is it!” and I can take a stand and claim this as my own, as if to say I will not be moved, nor will I surrender, quit, nor will I give up my dream or my ground or give in to intimidation.
I will not give in to fear or the insecurities that leave with the beliefs that either I am incapable or simply undeserving.
I have been me for my entire life.
And this is me too, looking, searching, trying and adjusting. I have been me, as in this person, searching for comfort, and working to find my place in this world, which is where I belong, which is where I want to be.
I want to be comfortable and free from personal fears, physical intimidations, worries, and emotional insecurities. Most of all, I want to be free from the bondage that keeps me stuck or too afraid to venture away from my comfortable discomforts.
I have no problem admitting that I am afraid. I have no problem admitting that I am the most insecure person that I know, to which I have often been told that I do not seem this way on the outside. Sure, this is great to hear, yet simply because something does not seem to be does not mean anything is as it seems.
I do not have a critic who is tougher on me than I am on myself. I do not have an enemy who abuses me more nor do I have anyone who puts me down more than the thoughts in my head. Yes, I am my biggest critic, and there are times when I am my own worst enemy.
This is why I openly say these things about myself.
None of what I write is self-deprecating.
No, I call this honesty.
I would rather speak my thoughts than try to compensate and bury them or pretend that they are not real.
I am afraid. I am a coward, yet it takes courage to say this. It takes courage to brave the truth and speak openly — especially in a world that is ruled by judgment and stigmas.
It takes guts and nerve to face fear and become fearless, which does not mean that my fears are not real or valid or that I am unafraid.
No, my fears are as real as the morning sky and often, my fears are only as real as the monsters under my bed.
I love my early morning drives. No one is around to create static or offer resistance. I can change lanes whenever I need to. I can look ahead and watch as the tall buildings in my City approach.
Long Island is moving farther behind me in my rearview mirror, that is, until I find myself heading over the 59th Street Bridge.
I don’t know who lied or who told the truth. I don’t know if I am loved, as in wholeheartedly, or if I am to be alone or not.
I don’t know anything.
But that’s the great thing about drives like this.
I don’t have to know anything.
All I have to do is drive, enjoy the music, and remember that I am far more valuable in this equation, which is always known as my so-called life.
It’s okay not to get what you want.
It opens the door and lets me realize that there is something more out there, waiting for me, and that the lies or the disgust or the betrayals in my rearview are as meaningless as the people who imposed them.
This is their problem and, at the moment, my only concern is what song to play next.
I’m going to save this entry and like I used to, or figuratively speaking, I’m going to place this is the box beneath my bed and re-read this when I come into my kingdom with my one, true queen.
Come to me, your Majesty.
I’m waiting . . .
The Written Addiction 