Decades later.
I never thought that I would look back and regard my life like the way I do now.
Life in hindsight. Life with the breathe of nostalgia and the need to redo or rethink and re-feel youthful.
Or as the saying goes, “ah, to be young again.”
I never thought that I would look back and rethink myself, or rethink my choices.
I never thought that this would be me. But then again, no one thinks this will be them, later in years.
I never thought I would wonder about the warning signs and red flags, which I chose to ignore with hopes they would go away.
But again, life in hindsight.
What a trip it’s been.
No?
Maybe I should have listened. Maybe I should have gone right instead of left. If I had, where would I be now?
More accurately, who would I be?
Either way, life unfolds.
I am sitting here, before you.
I am humbly typing away in preparation to confess my sins as well as my admiration for youth.
Either way, time moves.
And so do we.
The truth comes out . . .
all the lies or the impurities will rise to the top like wasted froth of a beer I never drank.
This is not me. I am not him and I am not you. I am neither of these things, yet the mind and the steely hooks of ego-filled battles sink into the flesh of the heart.
I go though a sad but beautiful appreciation for this time of year. It is nearly summer, and the next generation is moving from the assembly line. They are growing now and about to take flight into a new atmosphere which is called real life.
I never had a graduation. I never danced at a prom. I never went to a graduation party, and I never walked with my friends to the end of my senior year to see my first car in the driveway.
No, my experience was different.
Hence, this is why I have a sad but beautiful appreciation for this time of year.
I was elsewhere and living a different life. I suppose this is why I see the terms of me or my personal value in a different light. Especially now because I have a special understanding of life unlived
I was never good at school. My anxieties and educational and personal insecurities made my interactions uncomfortable in the classrooms.
I have heard people regard their high school and college years as some of the greatest times of their life. Adversely, I have sat with and spoken with young people who regard these days as punishing or brutal.
I understand the divisions of popularity. I can relate to the different levels of social interaction and, of course, I can understand the societal and governmental stages of success or the different “echelons of cool.”
If I could offer anything, or if I were able to rewind, or if my hindsight has taught me anything, then I would like to offer this plea.
Be you.
Life is far more precious than you think.
And you are more beautiful than you could ever possibly imagine.
Every minute, every moment, and every memory is a collection that will reoccur to you someday. With all I have, I pray that they come with warmth for the heart.
You are going to grow.
You are going to see new things and meet new people.
Do not hold anyone or anything accountable for your past.
Let it be where it is supposed to be.
Behind you –
Or better, do not assume that one thing is like all things and with all the rage that I can muster, do not fail or give in to your biases. Stay away from your trained assumptions.
Do not believe the internal rumors of your ugliness.
Trust me, they are lies.
Walk away from the traumas and the trauma bonds that kept you held back or leashed to the comforts of an uncomfortable past.
I say comfort because there is comfort in knowing what is about to come. I say comfort because there is no fear when you know where the pain, fears, or the discomforts will come from.
You are going to feel new feelings. You are going to see and do new things.
Do them. Please.
Do them with an open heart.
Allow yourself the right and the freedom to live your best life.
Do not focus nor lose yourself to the comparison of others.
Be aware of your own beauty — even if you assume that your beauty is hardly bright or that your glimmer is too dim to notice. I swear that somewhere out there is the proof that you are alive.
I say and offer this to you with support and to encourage you not to be afraid to deviate from your path.
I say this with hopes to save you from regret. I say this with all that I can give in hope that the traumas of your youth will not intercept or impose upon our greatest abilities to accomplish and live a great life.
You are going to feel love.
You are going to meet people who will inspire you.
Enjoy this.
You are going to find times when your intuition is going to say, “go there,” yet your fears might try and deceive you.
Do not do this.
Follow your heart.
Let your spirit be the way.
If you love, then love.
If you want to try, then try.
If you want to be somewhere then work to make this happen
More importantly, if you want to be with someone, do not look left or right.
Go see the world in front of you and grab this.
Don’t turn left because there is pressure for you to do so.
Better yet, don’t go left when in your heart, you know you want (and need) to go right.
Again, life in hindsight.
This can be a great but punishing, teacher.
You are young.
You have so many chances to live and learn and go and see.
I never did that.
I never dared. I went left when I wished I went right.
Understand?
Please do not be me. . .
I know what it is like to lose or miss out.
I know the burden of the idea that comes when it seems like you are always on the outside looking in.
And understand something –
Temporary things can become permanent very easily.
The next thing you know, your acceptance of the trade has compromised the truth of your dreams. And next, you settle for something “less than” because you never believed that your dreams would come true.
Your idea to stay where you are until you figure out how to walk away or learn about what you want to do with your life becomes a complacent loss. You find yourself sewn to the threads of a life you never wanted. Yet still, this is the life you settled for because you never ventured, never dared or believed that life could be the dream you asked for.
The threat of lonesomeness or not being involved or included, loved, wanted, or cared for can allow the sights to blur. If we are not careful, we can trade ourselves away, just to be with someone, just to settle. Or we do this just to keep that sense of security, because alone, we are failures.
Or so we assume.
I see you as the most beautiful person in this world, which is meaningless now.
I know.
But that does not make this untrue.
I offer this as a hindsight message.
I have lived beyond the aftermath of my choices. Here I am, looking back at all the times when I knew there was a chance, yet I never dared to take them.
The thing about pain is we understand it.
Pain can become familiar and next, we depend on it.
The idea of trauma is we want to get away from our painful past, yet we hold on tight in fear that our past might return. Thus, we will have to hurt again.
What do we do if we let go and next, we have to suffer the blame, shame, fault, guilt or regret all over again?
Back to the dungeon –
Is that it?
Back to the settled life that we never wanted in the first place . . .
back to the emotional prison
back to the hole in the ground.
You are about to see brand new things.
Please, touch everything you can.
Do not be afraid to feel.
Do not be afraid to inspire or be inspired.
Allow yourself the motivation to go, be, and do.
Trust me, if you meet the love of your life. . .
Hold them as tight as you can.
Dance with them.
Love with them. Never let there be “the pillow wall” between you in bed.
Never lose the love of your life or your dreams.
So . . .
ante up and bet big kids
Because not doing so will lead to regret
And a regret like this . . .
. . . is unthinkable.
The Written Addiction 