I still say that you have to let your hair down. You have to loosen your shoes every one in a while.
You have to let go. Understand?
I say that everyone needs to go crazy sometimes. I say that this is a right that no one can afford to forfeit.
Believe me.
You have to let yourself experience the rage and the rush and the absolute adrenaline that comes with the freedom that comes without concern or worry about the consequences.
Just live.
Just let yourself go.
Just for the moment.
I know that life is always calling. I know there are times when our sanity is held together by a few strands.
I also know what its like when the fabric of our life seems as though everything else has ripped apart.
And here’s nothing left to hold us together.
Yet—
I say this is when we need to let go the most.
I say there are times like this when we need to go wild.
We need to replace thought with action.
This is not about avoidance.
No, this is about relief.
We need a special vacation from the norm.
We need to let go of the so-called suit that we wear as our “supposed” identity and we need to rid ourselves from the bondage of our trained and biased assumptions.
Sometimes, the mid is the worst place to be.
So we have to get out of this place.
Otherwise, we will never get out alive.
Some say meditation helps with this. And I agree.
Some have told me that the mind is a trap, and all of our memories are a trick, a lie, and that memories and thoughts are only alive when (or if) we keep them alive.
Pain can be this way too.
The same thing comes with sorrow.
I have worked on this sort of thing for as long as I can remember. I have worked on repackaging myself, so-to-speak. I have tried to redefine me or redesign myself. To add color, I have tried to reinvent myself.
However, there is no reinvention. There is no redefining or redesigning who I am.
I am me and I will always be me, from now until the hour of my death
(Amen).
I remember being told that no matter where you go, there you are.
I remember running as long and as hard and as fast as I could. But no matter how I ran or hid, my life always found me.
Sometimes, the steam needs to call out, just like the pressure from the teapot.
You need to scream.
You need to rid yourself of the toxins and more, you need to protect yourself from the absence of sanity. Trust me, I am sure you will agree that life and the world around us can be an insane place.
Perhaps not all the time,
but sometimes, life is crazy. . .
Perhaps this might not relate to everyone, but there are times when I find myself surrounded by silence and the absence of love. I find myself in the absence of people, and the absence of distraction.
I find myself in moments of silence which is so quiet that I can hear the breath coming in and out of my nose. I can hear the beating of my heart, and the ringing in my ears.
It has taken me decades to reach this point.
This has taken growth and acceptance. And more, this has taken work for me to be okay or fine with the silence.
At the same time, I don’t want to be alone.
I know what I want, but what I want is not in the cards . . . at least not today.
But today has only just begin.
I have to steal a famous line from a scary movie.
I do not claim as my own, or do I claim the same name.
However, the line still stands.
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”
My name is not Jack, and my life is not a movie called The Shining.
No.
I agree that all work and no play makes me and my life dull or otherwise undesirable.
I get that.
No really. This makes sense.
Sometimes, despite our age or despite the faults and flaws or the inaccuracies of our steps, and regardless of the misspoken words that we wish we could unsay; we have to understand that there is no way to relitigate the past.
We cannot unsay what was said or undo what was done.
We cannot hold these things which become the constricting vines, like a snake that squeezes life from its prey, and we cannot keep ourselves stuck in the webs of our unhelpful thinking.
I can say this with all certainty.
I can say that I will never regret the moments when I went famously and happily wild.
I will never regret the times when I danced in the heat or felt the sweat drip from my body as I dove into the passion of the moment.
I have been told that we are as sick as our thoughts or as limited as our belief system allows us to be.
I have seen what happens to moments that went unlived. I have seen what happens when I allow myself to stay in my head instead of living with my heart.
I have seen what happens when I allow my fears to turn my thoughts into an insane mindset. And too, I have seen what happens when my thoughts turn against me.
I wish I had the feeling in my heart, which is the same as it was when I was brave enough to dare the world.
I wish I felt in my heart the same as I felt in the romantic and lustful moments when no one else mattered and there was no thought about consequences. No . . .
I was too busy being alive and wild or in the moment.
I understand there is no way to rewind or change what happened. I understand the shortness of life or the briefness of lives that intersect with ours.
I love the ideas and the connection that make me and you and “us” or a “we.”
However, I understand the letdown when this was only to be temporary or quick and short, like an amazing flash in the pan.
Even if something was a lie, I can attest that some lies feel petty good.
And we lose to this like a beautiful poison.
I have to admit:
Pleasure is never long enough.
However, I am fortunate to understand the difference between pleasure and pain. I am blessed to know the difference between love and lovelessness. I am lucky to know what it means to be lied to and on the other side, I’m blessed to have had someone be truthful and agree to walk the beach with me.
I cannot regret the love I had or the love I lost.
I cannot live in the constant state of anxious resentment and rejective ideas.
I have to break the chains and set myself free.
I do this on Sunday.
I forget about the mess, which is otherwise known as my apartment or the details of my life.
I put on music. I cook. I eat.
I rest.
And this is crazy enough to work
(sometimes).
But sometimes, I need the healing of crazy music, loud and at full speed.
I might need to dance though.
I might need to stay awake late enough to watch the sun come up.
I might need to be on a rooftop or somewhere risky and need to fulfill a fantasy, taboo and all.
I cannot avoid what “is.”
Life is what life “is.”
But ah, I sure as hell can allow myself the right to feel, think, and let go enough to have a good time . . .
by any means necessary.
I love you
and nothing else in the world is crazier than that!
Trust me.
The Written Addiction 