A Day Called Way Back When

This is a funny thing for me to say.
Or when I say funny, I mean odd or strange but least of all comical.
I have seen the most beautiful things in this world. Some of them were Uptown. Some were up in Harlem.
Some of the most beautiful things were Upstate and some were out east on Long Island. Some of these things were on the cobblestone streets or near Tribeca or by where The Twin Towers used to be.
I have seen beautiful things.
At the same time, I have not travelled much or at least not as much as others.

I suppose I have seen everything when compared to someone who has seen nothing at all.
But to those who see nothing, they will always see nothing, until they open their eyes, of course.

I say this with my own personal conviction. Equally, I confess this with my mouth and my tongue and with all of my heart and, to you, I send this as my message of hope.
I say this as my eyes open wider and with more awareness.
Perhaps one can call this enlightenment. Or maybe one can call this the aftermath of choices and outcomes.
One can call this understanding or awareness or perhaps this is me, admitting to the faults after the fact. One could argue this puts meaning behind the saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” And certainly, as a man who has travelled little and gone so far as to see the world, so-to-speak, I understand one thing above all else.

Nothing is wasted except a wasted life. Time is always meaningful.
And yes, our time is always valuable.
Nothing is lost.

There is no one around who has the ability to walk on water. As history proves, people were not so nice to the person who could walk on water, at least this is how the story goes.
We all have faults and sins, secrets and regrets.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.
Only, I’m not in the market to buy another lie.
(Are you?)

There is nothing as ugly as an ugly heart or an ugly soul. I agree.
This is true.

Are we ever born so inherently ugly?
At the same time, there are facts and details. While I believe that no one is born guilty, I know there are some who are born with unfortunate circumstances.
There are some who are born to think with an unfortunate chemistry.
Evil is real.
I know this firsthand.
And so do you, by the way.

We are not so closed off to the real world that we do not see the hate and the fear mongering, or the misuse of information, the misuse of love or affection, and no one among us could pass our own test of innocence.

Was I born right?
I was born into this life.
I know this is true.
Was I raised wrong?
No, not by any means.
Was I born with a challenge or an unfortunate chemistry?
Perhaps.
Perhaps we all are.
Perhaps we all have our own crosses to bear and challenges to face.

Life is uphill, at times.
And so is love. So is hate.
Thus, this is the story we tell and the scars we hide.
This is us, all day, every day.

Does anybody in this game escape without a scratch?
I don’t think so.
Then again, we have to define what a scratch means because a scratch to some can be meaningless to others. There is a difference between Park Avenue and park bench problems. Hence, again, I can tell you that the world is a relative place.

See? The thing is we all have something.
We all have an emotional challenge or a physical hurdle in our lives.

Personally, I think one of my biggest setbacks is that I have taken too many things too personally. I have never learned to shed my skin and grow. I have held my past and gripped things way too tightly; in which case, I have become the sum of my past. I have allowed this to be my identity.
This is me?
Look . . .
See?

I allowed myself to become the sum of my failures, and my misgivings, and my shortcomings.
But this is life when you overthink everything. This is life when stuck in the hunt for reasons why.
This is what happens when the mind always looks to find accountability for the mismatched keys that fit into the wrong keyholes. Let’s face it. This is the key never turned.
It’s not the key or the locks fault.
The two didn’t fit (or they didn’t fit anymore).

I have not seen much or gone very far. But I have seen nice things. While I might not be able to compare my vacations and the sunrises to places like Fiji or mornings in Monte Carlo, I need to open my eyes more.
I need to notice the beauty that I have seen.
I have to recognize what I’ve seen over the things that I have missed.
I have to.
Understand?
I just have to . . .

I know what beauty is.
I know what it means to feel this in my heart. Beautiful as ever.
Alive and out loud under a big full moon.
I know what it feels like to experience and enjoy a good evening that leads to mornings, which I hoped would never end.

I know people who have travelled or gone on vacation yet, they saw everything and somehow (or lovelessly) they saw everything and had no one to share this with.
I have known people to go away and travel with their “other half” and they felt no better than the settled negotiation of a love that was based on love’s abandon, meaning, there was no love, just the idea of saying, “Well, I guess I’ll just do this now.”

I am reminded of someone who everyone loved (except for himself) and how he literally chose his own place to die, as if to say, “oh well, I guess this place is good as any.”
His real love was elsewhere.
His life, forfeited and sad.
I have seen this more than once and dammit all, I don’t ever want this to be me.

I have seen people who live empty or vapid and coreless. I see people who live without anything true or real to value or hold.
I have seen these people live wealthy and poorly at the same time.
I am guilty as charged too.
I am guilty of lots of things which is why I come here to confess or, at best, this is why I come to save myself and redeem what’s left of my time here, in the flesh.

Think about this . . .
Loveless and soulless,
spiritless and touchless,
sexless too, and with a dull warmth that barely reaches the body to climax.
I have seen a life without the heat of passion and asked myself, why would anyone want to live this way?
Why settle?
Why fake it?
Why quit?
Why not live and why not move?
Why not allow yourself to wake up in the arms of your truest heart?
Why not defy the odds or deny the settled offerings from those who do not deserve you?

And me?
I never thought much about what I saw.
I thought more about things that I have never seen.
I thought more about what I have not done instead of realizing that I have done more than most people.

Therefore, I missed out on the life that was right there in front of me.
The best in the world . . .
Right before my eyes . . .

I was reminded of a scene from a movie this morning.
This movie is a helpful description of my youth.
I was reminded about a young love that never took place and the yearn for life. And, too, I was reminded of the extinguished life of a youth that never launched.

I was reminded of The Outsiders.
I was reminded of the poem by Robert Frost: Nothing Gold Can Stay.

I was reminded when the main character Ponyboy Curtis asked Cherry Valance, “Can you see the sunset from the Southside really good?”
Cherry held back her tears because of the tension and turmoil between them.
“Yeah, real good,” she said.
“You can see it from the Northside too.”
She smiled the most beautiful smile. Sad and true and bittersweet.
This was honest because while love exists, their love did not conquer all
I can relate to this.
Cherry Valance smiled and said, “Thanks Ponyboy. You dig okay!”
“See you around,” said Ponyboy.
See you around.
I’ll talk to you later.
But sometimes, later never comes and love lingers as if to say it’s okay that we didn’t happen.

I hate goodbyes and I never want to hear I’ll talk to you later when I know that later will never come.
But I can see the sunsets from where I am.
I can see the sunrise too.
There is beauty no matter where we are. I might not have the wide streets anymore or the mountains around me. I might not have the validation of some high-priced address anymore either.
But I have a window.
I have eyes that see.
I can see the sunset from where I am too.
I have to see this.
But more, I have to know this and feel this too.

Blessed Mother, look down on me.
Show me the only eyes that soothe my soul.
Show me the only beauty I need to put ease in my heart and warmth in my touch.
And, if not, then let me look back at what I have seen.
Let me find peace with where I am.
Let me find my place and let me be at ease with the sunrise so that I will be at peace when the sun goes down.

I have never had much.
I have never been tough, and I probably never will be.
But what I have is all yours, if you’ll have me, of course.

I am done.
The fights have take their toll and the riots have lost their genius.

Blessed Mother,
care for me
wherever you are.