I remember the saying I used to hear back in grade school. This is the saying that taught us, “You are what you eat,” and therefore, we are what we consume.
I agree. We are what we eat. We are what we consume.
We are what we think and feel.
I agree with this too because how could we be anything else?
We are the sum of our assumptions. Therefore, even if our assumptions do us a disservice, same as unhealthy foods can be unkind for the body, then unhealthy thinking is unkind to the soul.
Food can be an addiction. And guess what?
We can also be addicted to our thinking.
Even if our thinking is unwanted or unkind, we can hold this and watch as we watch our fate become unfortunate.
I have done this. I have wrecked and ruin things. I have held my unhelpful ideas so close, or closer than my love and the value of my own heart.
I’ve clung to my expected downfalls and watched as my preferred life slipped away. Even more, I have watched my world lose to the abyss of disappointments, letdowns, heartaches, and downfalls.
I offer this to you with an open heart. I come here with no intention, other than a chance to share my truths, good or bad.
I offer you this idea from a wholehearted stance. I come to you unarmed and ill-equipped, as well as imperfect and perfectly flawed.
In other words, I offer this to you in my truest most human form.
I offer you this as me so that I can wash away the past and to cleanse my sins and settle the disputes between us.
I understand the suggestion to stop imagining the scenarios that hurt our own feelings. I can understand the dangers and the murky waters that exist in the swamps of our sad expectations.
I am familiar with the bouts between me and my depressive ideas. Like I said, I am human and yes, this is a part of me.
I understand the thoughts and the belief system that assumes all things fail or that everyone else has an angle.
Everyone has an agenda . . .
Everyone can and will be mean, and at some point, we all can be hurtful, dishonest, or spiteful and disloyal.
I can be all of this, if this is what I think or believe. If this is what I choose to consume, then how can I be any better?
Further, I can relate to the fears which derive from ideas that are always doubtful and skeptical of everyone and everything, and yes, always assuming that inevitably, people will fail us or tear us apart.
Therefore, relationships will fail. So in the battles of my life, take what you can get (when you can) because this is the way life is.
Nothing is free . . .
Everything comes with a price . . .
I ate this up for way too long.
I swear . . .
I used to believe that a time comes when value disappears and love vanishes. Or in the tragic expectation that all things from our past face the same repetitive nature, I always assumed the repetition of failure or disappointment. This became me.
I became the thoughts which I consumed.
(Or was it that they consumed me?)
Or wait –
Perhaps I should leave this here. Yes,
I think that would be right.
I will leave this here and call this my thoughts or my own ideas and yes, this is subjective to me.
Of course this is subjective to me.
But this does not mean that no one else understands, especially you.
If this is true then, again, let me leave this here.
Let me confess and release the burden of my rejective thinking.
No blame, and no shame, or fault, guilt or regret.
Stripped from my layers of deceit or the disguises and my embarrassment due to the untrue portions of my ego and false pride, I am here, nevertheless.
I am unarmed and weak.
I am humbled and without decoration.
I am here without my personal villain, or otherwise known as the internal narcissist, who is all to be damned. I damned him to hell because if I am to improve and be better or, at minimum, I have to divorce myself from the internal narcissist, and separate myself from this way of thinking without my usual shield for protection, then so be it.
I have no other choice. If I am to improve, then I would have to make improvements around myself and my surrounding areas.
I have to “clean house” so-to-speak.
i have to rid myself from the unwanted garbage and remove the waste from my existence.
I am here as myself and no one else. I am without my usual disguise.
I am undressed, and again, I am unarmed.
I remove myself from the insecure and the internal blamer, or the accuser who looks to protect myself as being “right,” over wrong.
I resign my position from the old fights and the old wars. Or as this would appear in the battles of my self-destruction, self-harm, and going further, I resign my position in the self-deprecating food-chain, which was all a lie.
I cannot and will not go far with my old way of thinking.
I find the loss of joy, or the reduction of long-term enjoyment is more than disheartening.
Therefore, I quit.
I am tired of the lonesomeness that concludes from my ongoing assumptions. I am exhausted from the belief that all things and all people will fail me, or us. Do you know what else?
To hell with the belief that disappointment is not only inevitable, but a guarantee. To hell with this because disappointment itself suffocates the roots of my greater good.
I have to stop my thinking.
I have to drop the ideas from my belief system. To move forward, I have to let go of the infesting weeds that suffocate the flowers of an otherwise beautiful life.
I still go back to the first time I heard the song Sweet Thing by Van Morrison.
I remember believing that this is what love must feel like.
I mean real love. Not the lies we told before or the lies we believed in.
True love must be like this; to be wild or to feel so crazy, like a kid in love and that the world around me could explode and I’d be fine to burn is ashes.
I go back to the idea that this must be what it feels like to let go, or to be free from all the bullshit camouflage. No more masks or disguises, which people use to hide and protect themselves.
To me, Sweet Thing defined what it feels like to drop the mask and not only be seen, but to be admired in to same way. Even more, I swore this must be what its like to have the feeling come back to me, as if to be returned and reciprocated equally.
I lived in the lands of hate and doubt. In fact, I lived in the trenches of anger and resentment for most of my life.
But where has this led me?
What has this done for me?
I have lived in the aftermaths of my own self-destruction and for what?
I have lived in the infected womb of self-despair, unmotherly and all.
And I have dwelled in the items of my shame and regrets.
But to what avail?
I agree that letdowns and disappointments are alive and well. I also agree that these are otherwise inevitable.
I agree that even the best in our life or the most loved can be hurtful, angry, vengeful or dishonest. And yes, even great people can be disloyal.
We all make mistakes.
However, I cannot live in this way of thinking.
I refuse to live this way. I refuse to believe that this is the constant, that all is dammed to hell.
I cannot believe that everything will result in turmoil or failure.
I have consumed this to my last and final bite,
but not anymore.
I want to believe.
I want this, not because I have to or need to.
No, I want to believe in my greater good because I choose to.
But first, I admit –
Yes.
I have lied. I have cheated.
I have been calculative, and I have been dishonest.
I have no right to deny this.
I have hurt great people and yes, I have been hurt just the same.
Absolutely.
But my wrongs are my wrongs
and that’s what I am here for.
I have allowed my internal narcissist to fight my battles for too long.
I have done what I did to be seen as right or to cast blame and free myself from the bondages of guilt or consequence.
I have done this. Therefore, I confess this as my truth.
I confess this with my pen and my mouth.
I admit my faults because if it is true that I am what I eat, and if it is accurate to say that I am what I consume; then it is also true that I am as sick as my secrets. Yes, I am sick.
Yes, I do have secrets.
I have things that I have to stop, drop, and let go of.
I want to experience the great rebirth. I want to be clear about this too.
I say rebirth; however, this is not said in the divine light of my religious salvation.
No, I say this more as a need to find my own personal and emotional salvation.
Or maybe this is my need for emotional and personal redemption.
I have been talking about this for years now.
I have pleaded with myself and with others.
I have to make this change. But how?
I have prayed and wished. I have done this when I was on my knees, desperate or pained, and with a full heart, I have asked to be free from my own chains.
I have begged to be freed from my burdens of self.
I have asked to be pardoned, forgiven, and removed from my self-propelled chaos.
But how?
I have done this in my deepest supplication between me and the Universe.
I prayed.
I have with a modest appeal to stop, drop, and “Dear God,” help me learn how to let this go.
I admit to my struggles with faith.
I admit to my doubts when it comes to the assumption of some kind of, “Good Orderly Direction.”
And yes, when speaking with The Great Mother, Herself, and The Mother of All, or when requesting an answer from God in heaven above, I have asked to be freed from overthinking and overanalyzing.
But even in the deepest prayer, I found myself stuck instead of relieved.
But why?
I am reminded of what I was told about The Book of James.
This is where Chapter Two says that by work, man is justified and not by faith alone.
This means I can believe and have faith but what is my faith if there is no effort, no body, or no work to make things so.
“Faith without works is dead!”
When it comes to the saying that “Man is as he thinketh”, then I am as I think I am. Therefore, I am what I eat and I am the thoughts which I consume.
Faith without work is dead.
So?
“How am I going to do this?”
I don’t know, kid.
Maybe we can figure this out together.
Either way,
it’s time for us to put in work.
Period. End of sentence.
End of chapter.
And put simply
Goodbye ~
The Written Addiction 