A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go

I am a man, at least this is what I have been told. I am a man of different sorts and different experiences. I am a man of whit and arm and someone with a modest version of charisma, 
or at least I hope so.

I have lived a life or should I say that, somehow, I have spun around the sun more than 52 times.
I have seen great things. I have been to great places. And I have seen sad things and been to sad places.
I have endured and survived. At times, I have lost my freedom to the battles of self. I have been beaten back or retreated and found myself amongst the rubble of my own aftermath.
I know all about the weapons of mass, self-destruction.

I come as I am.
This is me. Right here.

I come with aspirations and hopes. Above all, I am here before you, humbly as ever, and requesting your hand with hopes to achieve my dreams to be alive.
I want life.
Yes, life.
I want to be filled with life.
Of course, I do.

I want to be able to love and do this beyond par. I want to love to my best ability. As can be expected, I am a man who can say that I have loved and won. Equally, I have loved and lost.
This is the way of he world.
This is life. We have our different influences and inspirations.
We have different reasons and aspirations.
Life happens, yet we barter, and we trade. We bicker and we argue.
We overthink and overanalyze. And we waste time on a daily basis.

I am beautiful, at least I hope to be,
(Someday) 
I am ugly at times.
I am well and I am just as sick as anyone else is in this world.

I am recovering and improving the same as anyone. I say this because, in fairness to all, everyone we meet is recovering from something. Everyone has a secret or two.
Everyone has been tempted to dance with the demons and play with the devil when the devil puts on a pretty face.
Everyone has had a moment when they believed the pretty lies because the truths were too ugly.
I am growing. (At least I hope so.)
I am aging too, which is not what I asked for.
But Father Time is still Father Time.

I do not look my age nor do I act my age. And I am in good shape.
I am basically fit and healthy. Then again, age is a funny trick and none of me is the same as I was when I lived here 20 years ago.
But I am fortunate to say that I am healthy, for the most part.
I am.
However, I am also sick and tired and just as crazy as anyone else. I have my moments. I have my bouts and yes, I have my own beasts and demons who look to threaten or distract me.
I have my own lists of distractions.

I am neither better nor worse. I am a simple traveler.
I am not more or less deserving of this suit which I call the skin I’m in.
Take this.
This is my body.
This is what I have to work with.

I have my flaws and strengths.
I have attributes.
I have ways about me, and quirks, pet peeves and I have my own way of seeing things.
I close myself off and shutdown.
I see the world the way I do yet, I believe that hope is always possible. I believe that there is something beautiful about this world.
Take you, for example.
I am perceptive and if not, then at least I try to be perceptive and pay attention.

I try to keep my eyes open and notice the world around me.
This is hard for me to do when you are around, or on my mind.
How can I think about or notice anything else but you?

I like landmarks.
I like how they remind me where I came from.
As for where I came from —
I have not traveled much nor have I gone too far.
Yet, some people would say that I have been around the world when compared to their experience. 
I can understand this.
I can understand how one man’s poison is another man’s pleasure.
This is why I try to stay humble and remain modest.

I understand that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Therefore, wealth is relative and so is time.
Love is relative or perhaps love is subjective and no, I have no idea what love looks like to you.
But I do have hope
(for us).

Yes, I ate well in my life. Maybe some would say that I ate too well.
Maybe I didn’t deserve the meals or the coffee that came afterwards.
I can say this . . .
I can tell you what it feels like to spend time in the executive suite. I can attest to the comfort that comes with flying business class.
Yes, I have had the chance to sit upstairs on the balcony with wealthy people. I have met people who worked hard and came from nothing to build their own empire.
I loved every minute.
In the same way, I have seen my share of miserable millionaires. I have had run-ins with kids who ae spoiled rotten, who have done nothing for their wealth except brag to the poor and be part of a luckier gene pool.

Either way, this is life.
I know about the cheap seats. I know how it is to sit in the economy section. And yes, I know this all too well. I know the feeling of dirty places and filthy restrooms where your feet stick to the ground.
I have had my moments in tiny rooms, barred at the front, and tapped like a cage.
I was trapped like an animal. I know how it feels to be sitting in a cage like an animal and watching as guards pass by like an abusive innkeeper at the zoo.
I know how it feels to await the decision from a judge. I have been on both sides of this table, or should I say that I know what it entails to be on either side of good or evil.  

I have seen white glove treatment and gone from this to the worst kind of hospitals. I know that justice is what a person can afford and so is healthcare. Therefore, I know what it’s like to be sick with my “rubber glove” worries; and there I was, sitting in emergency rooms.
I remember sitting with a chart on my bed and waiting in places where social deviants screamed about the loss of sanity. I remembered how they declared war on their crazy hallucinations.
I have seen people yell from their hospital gurney about how the devil made them do it.
I have also seen the last and the saddest farewells where husbands or wives say their final goodbyes to the love of their life.

Life.
That’s what this is.

I have seen birth. I have seen the rebirth of souls and the recovery of those who were sworn to be condemned. I have sat and spoken with the persecuted who somehow came back to be redeemed.

I understand the meaning behind the saying “the last shall be first and the first shall be last.”
I understand the pains that come when we fall from grace. These are some of the best lessons we can ever find.
I know all about the truth when falling from up high and crashing down low.
Thank you, Lord, for teaching me humility.
again . . .

I have held the reins for too long. I have taken this trip too often and found myself in circles.
Crazy, angry and alone.
This is why I look to appeal to you.
This is why I am here. I am right here, which is nothing new to you.
I have come to you, hoping that you and I can sit and talk.
Just like this. No one else needs to interrupt.
Well, no one can interrupt or even get a word in.
No, this place is ours.
And no one else is welcome.

I am here because this is my best place. This is my chapel and my sanctuary.
This is my blood and this is my body.
This is where I start my day so that no matter what takes place, I am not looking at my life in the rearview mirror. I am not living in the past because I know that you are ahead of me.
You are the world and the sun above. You are the moon to me and your eyes are proof that angels exist and that Heaven is alive and well.

You are all of this, despite the fact that I don’t think that you believe me.
But whether you believe me or not,
this is all true.
(I swear)

There is nothing more beautiful in this world than a smile.
And yours? Well?
Yours is more than just a smile to me.

I have been looking to stop my own madness for such a long time. I am not close to where I want to be, at least not yet.
But I am not far either.
I am not far from the fact that I have to move like the wind.
I have to stop, drop, and let things go.
Otherwise, I am destined to be repetitive.
I have to flow like the waters that move downstream.
I cannot hold the reins anymore. I just can’t do it.
So, I give in when it comes to the uncontrollable.
Let them be. Let them pass.
I have lost control. But, I do have options.
Then again, I have no control over where this horse takes me.
I can steer, and I can gallop or slow down.
But the horse is an everyday thing.
So are the changing landscapes and the terrain of our everyday jungle.

I agree though.
Sometimes, you have to save your own ass because everyone else is to busy saving theirs.
But sometimes, an angel comes my way.
And that’s why I ask you — don’t leave me.
Please.

The sun just made its way on the scene.
I need to see you more than anything right now
and I don’t know when you will visit my dreams
(again).