A Way to Stop, Drop and Let Go

I was young and scared. I earned my scars the same as I earned my seat at this table.
And I earned them the hard way. I earned my badges the same as most people do.
I found myself in the wake of my aftermath, and looking back, I found myself in the worry that I might not have the wherewithal to get back up and go at it again.
I can say this about my personal life.
I can say this about my professional life and, of course, I can definitely say this about my love life.

How do we recover from the unrecoverable?
How do we find what it takes to get back up and go back at life with all we have?
Full steam and straight ahead . . .

How do you say goodbye when the pain won’t go away?

I was told to write a goodbye letter.
I was told that the letter was to say goodbye to all the unwanted things in my life.
Say goodbye to your pain.
Say goodbye to your past.
Say goodbye to the dreams that failed or never came true.

I was younger then. I was sick too. I was sick in the worst way possible because I was alive and unwell with a social and emotional virus that kills people for breakfast.
At best, I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I was living my worst life spending time in the worst place of my young adult life.
I wondered if this was going to be my forever.
There comes a time when we realize that much of our beliefs are lies. We find out that much of our thinking is the source of our own suffering.
So, we shoot the messenger
(repeatedly).

The word goodbye has different meanings to me. Some of the meanings are bittersweet. Some of my goodbyes are mournful and sad and tragically felt at the gravesite of a loved one.
If I only could say “I love you” one more time.
Worst are the mournful losses of those who still live and breathe, only they live and breathe outside of our reach. Never to come back or return again. What about the loved ones who were exposed and thus, we learned that their love was a lie. Again, we found ourselves feeling shameful or foolish.

Not all goodbyes are bad.
No, not at all.
Some of my goodbyes are victorious and beautiful. Some of my farewells are miraculous, as if to be well-earned by my efforts such as my blood, sweat, and tears.
I swear this is like crossing the “unfinishable finish line” and realizing, “Finally! I made it.”

Sometimes, you have to walk away.
You have to say goodbye.
You have to “get out” of what was so you can find what is and recover your dignity by enjoying what is meant to be.
This is easier said than done
(at times).
Of course.
I understand.

I know about the physical hand that hit the face, and I know about the words that hurt the heart.
I know this all too well.
I know about the scuffles and the battles as well as the sad submission that comes with the ideas of an internal loss.
I know about this.
Same as you do.

I used to be caught in the idea that I was diseased and that I would always be “like this,” that I would always be this way. I never assumed that I would be anything other than lost and unworthy, and irredeemable and unwanted.
I understand the bouts with rejective thinking.
I’ve had these all too often.

I understand loss.
I understand what it means to be chosen last or not to be chosen at all.
I can relate to standing alone. No one’s around.
No one cares.
So, work harder.

I never thought that someone so beautiful (like you) would look at me and somehow, the ugliness in me would vanish or be something unobjectionable.
I never dreamed I could feel this way.
But, I do.

I am emotional today. I am sad, yet I am not sad at all.
I am no longer in mourning but at last, I am entering a new level of awareness.
I see that beauty exists and that I am like you, scared and lost and hurt and like a child, I am afraid of the dark. Or if it’s not the dark, perhaps I am afraid to find out what’s in it.

I know what it means to flinch in fear. I understand how it is to fear the hand might strike again or worse, I know what it means to flinch emotionally or to wince with pain, even before the pain comes.

Sometimes, all you can do is say goodbye.
All you can do is walk away and tend to your wounds, process your reality, heal, and then make another go of it.
No one has the right to hijack, dictate or determine the benefits of our future.
No one has the right to steal our happiness
(including us).

Stop, drop, and let it go.
Pardon yourself from your past and your mistakes.
Forgive yourself without apology.
Forgive the pain.
Forgive the past.
Forgive yourself or being the victim.
Or better . . .
Forgive yourself for voluntarily becoming the victim, which is the hardest truth to endure.
I know all about the red flags that we ignored which turned around to bite us in the ass.
Say goodbye to this because as we reach awareness, we find that there are more volunteers than there are victims.
So, say goodbye.
Stop volunteering and start living.

I have seen the most beautiful face in my world.
I have felt the most beautiful touch that my life will allow.
I know this.
I have gone wrong and I have fallen and I have lost myself to insecurities.
I have lost my life to indecision and terminally, I have lost to the ideas that something about me is undeserving of someone as soft and sweet or as beautiful (as you).

I have to stop.
I have to drop the mask.
I have to drop the act, and I have to drop the past. More than anything else, I have to let go of my limitations.
I have to do whatever it takes to get rid of the ideas that do nothing more than limit my potential.
I have to realize that my best is yet to come.
I have to change my thinking because my old thoughts do nothing else but leave me to be subpar, or ordinary at best.

I don’t want to be ordinary.

I remember thinking why me?
Why would anyone choose me?
Why would anyone hire me?
How could anyone love me?
The real question is how could anyone choose me when I couldn’t even choose myself?

I remember my battles with the so-called imposter syndrome.
I am no imposter.
I am me.
I am Ben, good or bad.
Faults and all.

So . . .
Goodbye.
I have no reason to hold these things anymore. There is no reason for me to limit myself by believing that I am less-than or unworthy. I cannot walk this earth and believe that I am otherwise, “Constitutionally incapable.”
I am more than this because, in all fairness, I am far more than my outside predictions.
I am far from the insults and even further than my assumptions would lead me to believe.
Therefore, it’s time for me to stop, drop, and let things go.

Walk away.
Set yourself free.
This is the best way to stop, drop, and let it go.