I cannot say that I know much. I am not sure why life happens the way it does nor can I explain how good things happen to bad people or bad things happen to the good ones.
I wish I knew you more.
Or better, I wish I was able to share more of myself with you.
I am simple. I have worries and fears, the same as anyone else does. I can be kind and thoughtful. I can be generous. I can also be the opposite of all these things.
I chose to begin this journal to recognize that the following is true.
Sometimes, we have to stop, drop, and let go.
Sometimes you have to resign your position and surrender to win.
I have thoughts of winter now. I am thinking about the glory months or the time of the season when all is supposed to be fine.
I am thinking about the end of November and the month of December.
All are suppose to practice goodwill towards one another.
This is the season.
I am thinking about the warmth of indoors during a night with snow-covered streets.
I love nights like this. Snowflakes fall from the sky.
Red taillights flash from cars that drive down my quiet street. The streets take on a quiet and dreamy appeal with holiday lights and Christmas trees in the windows of homes in my neighborhood.
I am thinking about the times when family gathers and yes, I am thinking about the unfortunate reality that all are not well and that all are not happy or speeding time in good company.
I am thinking about the unseeable scars on the heart of souls who would rather love. But no.
There was no love in their holiday gifts.
I am thinking about the awareness of lonesome revelations or that I, myself, have faced the last few years alone and in poor standing.
But please –
I am not poor and I am not totally alone by any means. No, I am evolving.
I am learning. I am realizing and I have advanced and come to the realization that this is life.
This is what happens when we are not at your best.
This is what happens when we try to follow the wrong blueprint or use the wrong diagrams to build our own future.
No one would know that I am shy. No one would see that I am uncomfortable and afraid that I am disliked or seen as too awkward or ugly.
No one would look at me and see that I am afraid people will assume that I am stupid or that I am too dumb to understand real life.
I am a person with a past.
I am a person who has outlived my expectations and, in one case, I remember when it was predicted that I was going to be dead by a small group of men — and to the best of my knowledge, I am the only person from that conversation who is currently alive.
This has to mean something.
I do believe there are times when we have to clean house. We have to rid ourselves of our old standings. We have to rid ourselves of the people, or places and things that hurt and broke our hearts.
I believe that there is weight to our guilt and our unwanted ideas, which hold us back and keep us stuck.
For example, I have to say goodbye to my anger.
This hurts me too much.
There are times when I wonder the age-old question, “What have I done?”
I have been dishonest.
I have been disloyal.
I have been selfish.
I have been afraid and angry.
I have hurt beautiful and wonderful people.
I am self-absorbed.
I am immature, like a child who never got his way.
But this is not me.
None of these things are how I want to be.
In fact:
I know how I want to be. And I know how I want to feel.
I know that I want to be good.
I want to be better.
I want to be on the level, which means that I want to be with someone and be able to be myself and to be honest, regardless of how tough or painful the truth is.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin and more, I want to find my comfort within the right circle of influence.
I don’t want to live with my head on a swivel and notice anyone else.
I don’t want to pay attention to what other people have.
I don’t care if the grass is greener in another yard.
I want to be glad and satisfied and proud of what I have.
I never want to be two (or more) different people.
Never again.
I never want to share you or lose you in ways that can weaken or degrade me or my love for you.
I love you.
I want you to know that.
Even if you don’t love or feel the same about me.
I have never truly been involved in selfless love.
But you?
This?
I want to give this my all. I want to try.
I want to let go of what happened and be more than a compilation of my past.
I never want to live a lie or be as sick as my secrets again.
I am working now. Hard too.
I have made changes and conscious decisions.
I am sitting here, head bowing slightly in the reverence of humble and silent prayer.
I am bent at the knee in the figurative sense.
Honestly . . .
I am quietly pleading for God, or The Universe, or to the Eternal and Heavenly Mother for all to have mercy on me.
I have been alone since the time when we last spoke. I was alone in the company of others and yes, something was obvious to me. Something was wrong.
I was alone in crowds.
I was tired too.
Then the summer became fall, and fall became winter and then spring returned and here I am now.
It is August, and the summer is heading towards its final destination.
I want to stop, drop, and let the past go.
I want to regain my composure.
I want to straighten my spine and improve my posture. If at all possible, I want to meet you halfway and take the rest of this life by storm.
Make them all jealous, I say –
The past.
The people around us.
The people who we lost and the ones who lost us.
Make them all jealous, I say
Or even better . . .
Make ourselves so happy —
that we never noticed that jealousy exists.
The Written Addiction 