A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go

Before I go forward, I offer this as a disclaimer.
The following statements are true. They are not all that defines me. However, in the case of stopping or when it comes to dropping the unwanted features of my life, and in my plea to let them go, I have to be clear.
I have to be honest. I have to be thorough and unwavering to the point where my honesty might seem brutal. In the same breath, I exhale with all I that have. I breathe in again and then I exhale once more and continue because if this is what it takes, then this is what it takes.
As for the next part, well?
So be it –

If I am to rid myself of the worst, then how else can anyone rid their toxins without exposing what needs to be removed? How can one heal from a disease without locating the disease itself?

I would rather be honest about my ugliness than lie about my beauty.
Do you understand?
I am not ugly.
But I do have features that degrade me or keep me from being beautiful.

Hence, I have to let the surgery begin.
It’s time to scalpel and cut this out of me.

I would rather tell you this and be up-front, as talk like this to you, right here and now.
I have nowhere to hide. Besides, I realize that I can run and hide but no matter where I go, the truth will always follow me.

As for here, or as for this place, I come here every morning.
Perhaps I am not everyone’s cup of tea, so-to-speak.
Maybe these words will never find their true place in this world.
Maybe I am alone and no one relates.
But I beg to differ.

I am not for everyone or am I here to appeal to anyone else, except maybe to you.
Actually, I am not here for anyone else except for us.
This is absolutely true.

I see you very clearly, or perhaps I see you more clearly than before.
I am reminded of the time when I was told, you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.
This means it’s either ego or truth.
You can’t have them both.

If you remember, I started this commitment with the idea that I have to be honest.
I might not have a clean record with other people. I might not have the best credit.
But this place is different.
This place is where I come to be honest and true. Even if the rest of my day is fake or even when (or if) I am full of shit, this place of mine is built on the foundation of being true to me.

Yes, I have a past. Yes, I have made poor choices.
I know all about them.
I have made bad decisions.
Of course, I have.
We all have.
Plus, the funny thing about bad decisions is that there is always someone looking to say, “See?” I told you so!”

I have been selfish and, of course, I have been self-centered.
I have been dishonest and disloyal and deceiving.
I have been self-absorbed and egocentric. More than anything else, I can see how my character reeks from the stench of egomania.
Or like I have heard others say when they’ve qualified about their own mistruth:
I am an egomaniac with an insecurity complex.
I get that.
I really do.

There is no more wars to be fought, and the battles have left behind a wreckage that is both painful and unthinkable.
And to what avail?

Let me ask:
What are the details in your life that you wish you could get rid of?

Well, if I am being honest, then I have expose these things so that I can move on, or heal and improve, or be better than I was.
And that’s the goal.

I do believe in the soul’s right to perform a personal exorcism.
I believe in personal demons and the degradation of internal deceit.
I believe in the rot and the decay that leaves us weak.
I believe how we can betray our better interests and leave us broken. Lastly, I can see how our private demons can decay us down to the bone . . .
and leave us empty.

What is this?
What is this submission?
What is this brush with truth?
Is this real?
Or is this a new level of awareness, which uncovers our dishonest comforts and exposes our weaknesses and leaves us vulnerable?

I don’t want to be ugly.
I don’t want to dance with the devil that brought me to where I am.
I was told that the truth shall set me free.

I don’t want to hurt anyone.
I don’t want to hurt me either.

I don’t need to expose anything more than this.

I have been untrue to so many things.
And do you know what I call this?
I call this honesty.

Most people cannot pass their own test.
I know this.
I know that I can’t claim to be better or good or perfect by any means.
But –
I want to be better.
I want to improve because there might be another chance for me to make my dreams come true.
But honestly, no dreams can be achieved by lies or deceit.
No, this takes hard and honest work.
No love can be pure when lies are involved..
No life can be safe when deceit is involved.
No . . .

If I am to be free, then I have to free me first.
I have to stop, drop, and let go.
That’s what this is all about.

Right?